Orthodox

Shalhevet honours Vivian Claman

Vivian Claman was one of the founders of Shalhevet Girls High School and served on the school’s board for 14 years. (photo from Vivian Claman)

Vivian Claman was one of the founders of Shalhevet Girls High School. More than 14 years later – during which time she has served on the board of the school, including until recently as president – she is being celebrated at the school’s 2022 gala celebration May 22.

Leslie Kowarsky, president of the Shalhevet board, credits Claman with the school’s very existence.

“There is no one in our community who has not benefited from Vivian’s efforts, whether for Schara Tzedeck, for the Jewish Federation, or for many other worthy causes,” said Kowarsky. “I can say with confidence that Shalhevet would not exist without her tireless commitment.”

Shelley Rivkin, vice-president of the Jewish Federation of Greater Vancouver and the honoree at last year’s gala, echoed those words.

“Vivian has shown unswerving dedication and passion to maintaining and strengthening Orthodox education for girls in Vancouver,” Rivkin said. “She is a dynamic and energetic volunteer and she brought this commitment to her work on Federation’s allocation committee and other community organizations.”

Claman reflected back on the school’s creation. Ten parents, including Terrance Bloom, who would serve as the first board president, came together to address where their daughters would continue their education after they completed Grade 7 at Vancouver Hebrew Academy (VHA).

“My daughter was one of six girls in the Grade 7 class,” Claman said. “We had a little evening meeting to discuss the idea of doing a high school for the girls. My daughter said, I’m willing to try and convince the other girls to try, so we started the school.”

The availability of Orthodox Jewish education in Vancouver has been a recurring challenge and is among the range of issues being address by a new initiative called Torah West, which seeks to retain and attract more Orthodox Jews to live in Vancouver.

VHA now offers Orthodox education for boys up to Grade 10 and Claman said talks are underway to move the boys school and Shalhevet under a shared administrative umbrella.

“It makes the most sense, certainly for the donors,” she said. “They would prefer to have one institution so that we are not separate institutions going to the donors and asking for money.”

Whatever administrative structure is adopted, there will always be a separate boys school and girls school, adhering to Orthodox standards, she said.

Shalhevet is experiencing challenges that reflect larger trends in the community. With the departure of the Pacific Torah Institute yeshivah, some Orthodox families have left Vancouver.

“We absolutely need to have a strong Orthodox community and the only way we’ll do that is if Vancouver Hebrew Academy thrives and Shalhevet thrives,” said Claman. “Right now, though, to be honest, we’ve had a lot of attrition in the last couple of years. We are down numbers in our school. It is very upsetting, but that’s the reality of Vancouver. We kind of have waves. We have ups and we have downs. Right now, we are in that slump. That’s one of the reasons why Torah West is being created.”

In the school year now winding down, there are 10 students across five grades at Shalhevet, down from a peak of 25 or 27, she said.

While those numbers are disappointing, she said, there is a silver lining.

“Because of small numbers, we really can cater to the individual needs of each girl,” she said. “That’s really important. There are a lot of girls who have different issues and it’s really wonderful that they get that kind of attention. At a normal high school, there could be 30 kids in the classroom. The competition is pretty fierce.”

She added that single-gender education has been demonstrated to be advantageous, especially to girls.

“Studies have shown that girls do extremely well when they are on their own without feeling the competition or the pressure of being around boys,” said Claman. “It really does make a difference.”

On being recognized at this year’s gala – the first in-person gala in three years – Claman said she is “overwhelmed, to be honest.”

“I just announced my retirement plan – I had warned them I was going to be leaving the board after 14 years. I thought it was enough – so they decided to honour me. I’d really prefer not to be, but I didn’t really have a choice in the matter,” she said, laughing.

However, she acknowledged: “It’s a really nice way of the school showing appreciation for the many years of really hard work I put into the school.”

As past president, Claman still attends every board meeting and remains very active in school affairs. Nevertheless, as time permits, she plans to devote more hours to her emerging role as a painter.

“I was a fashion designer by profession for many years,” she said. “I retired because it was just too much time away from being a mother of three kids.”

Because she likes being busy and creative, Claman took up painting about seven years ago.

“I had taken a class many years ago in acrylic with a teacher here for one year but this time I decided to take it seriously and I’ve been painting ever since,” she said.

After a friend’s dog died, Claman painted a portrait of the pet and gave it to the grieving friend. That has led to a raft of pet portraits, but she is also receiving commissions for other works as well. (Her portfolio is at vivianclaman.com, though she acknowledges she has not had time to keep it up-to-date.)

Although she is concluding her time as a board member, Claman’s commitment to the school remains steadfast.

“To me, the most important thing about Shalhevet is we provide an Orthodox education for the Orthodox families here,” she said. “It’s wonderful to have a pluralistic community, but we absolutely must have the common denominator of the Orthodox community here. Orthodox families will not live here unless they know that they can send their kids, their girls and boys, to a high school that caters to their guidelines as to what an Orthodox Jewish education should be.”

For tickets to the May 22, 6:30 p.m., gala, which takes place at Schara Tzedeck Synagogue, visit shalhevet.ca.

Revitalizing community

Torah West wants to make Metro Vancouver a destination for more Orthodox newcomers. (photo by Cynthia Ramsay)

A new initiative, called Torah West, aims to grow Metro Vancouver’s Jewish population and make it more attractive to Orthodox newcomers – a goal that proponents say will strengthen every component of the community.

Torah West is focused on three Rs: retain, recruit and revitalize. It seeks to stanch the departure of Orthodox families from the region, recruit newcomers and, in the process, revitalize not only the institutions that serve specifically Orthodox families but increase demand and support for services that enhance life for all Jewish British Columbians.

“The more people who come, the more services we’re going to need to be able to sustain those people,” said Dr. Jonathon Leipsic, who co-chairs Torah West with Hodie Kahn. “More kosher restaurants, more people availing themselves of kosher food, more camps, more campers, more kids in Jewish day schools, more synagogue memberships, more Jewish community members, more people taking leadership roles in the community, more people investing in the community and on and on and on.”

Among many other community roles, Leipsic is president of Congregation Schara Tzedeck and Kahn is a past president. Together, they saw a growing challenge in the community and decided to act. They credit the Diamond Foundation for funding a 2020 study of the challenges facing the Orthodox community here, and the Jewish Federation of Greater Vancouver, especially vice-president Shelley Rivkin, for taking Torah West under their umbrella. The initiative will not see brick-and-mortar projects, but rather seeks to close gaps that make observing an Orthodox life in the city challenging.

Facilitating relocation to British Columbia might mean something as simple and comparatively affordable as helping a family with first and last months’ rent. If families want to live in Vancouver but send their kids to yeshivah in Las Vegas or Denver or elsewhere, Torah West can help fund flights home for the holidays, for example, if that tips the scales for the family’s place-of-residence decision. Other angles might include deferred membership fees to synagogues, the Jewish Community Centre of Greater Vancouver or other institutions. The community has systems in place to make Jewish summer camps accessible for all families and, if helping fund travel to the East or to the United States to access another form of camp would encourage families to relocate here, Torah West would support that.

Torah West will work with the Provincial Nominee Program, in which the federal government invites provinces to designate streams of immigrants that fill regional needs. Guiding newcomers through the immigration process, helping them get their credentials assessed and assisting in finding employment will ease some of the logistical challenges of relocation.

The initiative is loosely based on GROWWINNIPEG, a project of Manitoba’s Jewish community that has helped facilitate as many as 1,800 Jewish families migrating there, although there are distinct differences – cost of living, notably – that require unique responses.

Part of the motivation for Torah West was the loss of the Pacific Torah Institute yeshivah and limited Orthodox educational options in the city. But that is merely part of a longer trajectory. In her lifetime, Kahn said, she has witnessed waves in the community, in which there were more or fewer Orthodox families and, in turn, educators and infrastructure to serve them. The end of PTI was just part of a trend, she said, but it was a big blow.

“As they say, every crisis is an opportunity,” she said. “This crisis is that opportunity. Torah West is the response to that opportunity.”

Kahn said a notable aspect of Torah West is the buy-in from every single Orthodox group in the region.

“What’s innovative and fresh about the initiative is that it was developed collaboratively with all the Orthodox institutions and the Chabad centres across the Lower Mainland,” she said. “It’s very groundbreaking in that sense.”

That sort of collegiality is symptomatic not only of the Orthodox community but of the entire Vancouver Jewish community, Kahn said, something she sees as remarkable.

“Granted, we all have our little tiny silos of religious observance, which is reflected in the religious institutions that we choose to align ourselves with,” said Kahn. “But when it comes to the community, Orthodox rabbis play with Reform rabbis … Conservative rabbis play with Chabad. It’s a very unique kind of cultural experience that we have here and it’s reflected in the individuals who share the community and build the community. In a lot of other communities, those silos are very wide and very deep and they do not cross-pollinate or necessarily engage with one another to the extent that we do here.”

Both Kahn and Leipsic stress that a larger Orthodox community means a strengthening of every aspect of the community, to the benefit of all.

“We need to look at undergirding the Orthodox community because, at the end of the day, they provide the Jewish educators for our community, they provide the consumers for Jewish infrastructure like kosher restaurants or other services that are not just Orthodox-centric, they are Jewish-centric,” Kahn said. “That is what our vision is, to make sure that we have the proper foundation that will accrue to the benefit of the entire community at large.”

Similarly, while Torah West aims to draw new Orthodox families, the services the program provides will be available to anyone across the spectrum.

“We welcome everybody,” said Kahn. “There’s nobody who is going to, as they say, measure the length of your tzitzit. But we do have a hope and a dream and maybe some expectation that, if you become part of the Torah West initiative, you will, in turn, become part of the initiative in every respect. That means becoming a member of a synagogue, becoming a consumer of the kosher restaurant, or start another kosher restaurant, ensuring that the kosher butcher can stay in business.… We have a dream that we can create in Vancouver a nexus that combines the gloriousness of life in Vancouver with the ability to sustain a Torah lifestyle and the infrastructure that makes that possible.”

Nobody can talk about migrating to Vancouver without addressing the economic elephant in the room.

“The cost of living in Vancouver obviously has an impact,” said Leipsic, adding that the community is addressing macroeconomic issues and will continue to do so. “As far as people we want to recruit, we think that there are a number of people with capacity, who seek freedom and the opportunity to live a Torah-observant life or a traditional life in a nonjudgmental, diverse community with a lot of richness in it.”

Economic, political and social challenges in South America make that a target market of Torah West. In these cases, migration may be less an economic decision than one based on a desire for political stability.

Not coincidentally, the manager and community liaison of Torah West, Amanda Aron Chimanovitch, is herself a Brazilian-Canadian who came here via the Winnipeg project.

“Our goal is to make sure that there are economic and social and other supports for families who do want to come here,” said Kahn. “Ideally, families that are self-sustaining is a fantastic thing; it’s fantastic for all of us. But we’re not about to turn ourselves blind to the idea that, if you’re a Jewish educator, as an example, Vancouver is a very challenging place to be able to live independently without some support. I think we’re looking to help bridge that gap a little bit.”

Torah West is a three-year pilot project that Kahn and Leipsic are hopeful will prove permanent. Just putting Vancouver on the map as a possible home will be a success.

“When people are thinking about relocating, Vancouver is not even in their consciousness,” Kahn said of many Orthodox families. “Our goal is to create Vancouver as an option for them – whether it becomes the ultimate choice, we can’t control that. But we at least want to put Vancouver on the map.… You need a little bit of pioneer spirit to come here. If you’re looking for a place that’s already got all the amenities and got all the infrastructure, Vancouver is probably not your place. If you’re looking for a place of insurmountable geographical beauty and a real special feeling in the community and the landscape upon which you can plant your own trees and nurture them and make them part of the forest, this is the place for you.”

Rivkin, vice-president of planning, allocations and community affairs at the Jewish Federation, credits the Winnipeg project as a model but acknowledged differences. While Winnipeg was experiencing a declining Jewish population, that is not the case in Vancouver. This is one of North America’s fastest-growing Jewish communities.

“We don’t actually have a diminishing Jewish community, we have a diminishing community of people who are traditional or Orthodox,” said Rivkin. The reasons are straightforward. “We don’t have a yeshivah anymore, we don’t have summer camps that meet the needs of the Orthodox community, we don’t have a nice [kosher] restaurant here anymore.”

Rivkin said studies indicate that new Canadians tend to earn lower salaries than other Canadians in a similar role for up to 10 years after arrival. Helping people through the first challenging years is part of Torah West’s mission.

Kahn summed it up simply.

“There’s something very beautiful about a small community, something especially beautiful about the Vancouver Jewish community,” she said. “What we would love to see is just more opportunity for people who are seeking a halachic Torah lifestyle to be able to do that in Vancouver.”

Shalhevet annual gala

Shalhevet Girls High School will honour Shelley Rivkin at its gala on April 11. (photo from Shalhevet)

On April 11, at its annual gala, Shalhevet Girls High School will honour Shelley Rivkin as a Guardian of the Flame.

“Every year, we honour a Jewish woman who is passionate and dedicated to the Jewish community,” Vivian Claman, president of the Shalhevet board, told the Independent. “Shelley personifies the kind of woman we inspire our students to become – independent thinkers and leaders in their communities. Shelley not only works hard for the Jewish community but for the Vancouver community, as well.

Rivkin is the third woman to be so honoured by Shalhevet. Anita Silber was the first, in 2019, and Sarah Berger was recognized last year.

Rivkin is vice-president of planning, allocations and community affairs for the Jewish Federation of Greater Vancouver. She is an adjunct professor of social work at the University of British Columbia and at Langara College, and she is a member of British Columbia’s Multicultural Advisory Committee.

“My parents were a significant influence,” said Rivkin about her choice of career and her participation in community. “My mother was a social activist and early feminist who introduced me to many of the ideas that contributed to my decision to go into social work, while my father was deeply connected to Jewish values and traditions. Both believed in the value of volunteer work and had me volunteering for a variety of causes from an early age.

“My Jewish education at Schara Tzedeck and involvement in both NCSY and BBYO also provided me with a deeper understanding of Judaism and Jewish life that I have carried with me throughout my career.

“There have also been some amazing women who have inspired me along the way,” she noted. “The late Rosemary Brown, who I had the privilege of meeting when I was in university, really opened my eyes to the barriers and obstacles that many women were facing and continue to face in our society.”

Rivkin’s specific areas of responsibility at Jewish Federation include community planning, local grants distribution, Jewish education, partner agency relations and community security. While she was hired in 2007, she had volunteered with the organization for a couple of years before that.

“In 2005, I was asked to chair the poverty coalition,” she explained. “This connection brought me closer to the work of Jewish Federation and, as I took on more volunteer responsibilities, I became more intrigued by the work that Federation did on a daily basis. In 2007, Federation went through a restructuring process to move toward a closer alignment between central planning and financial resource development. A new senior position was created, and [then-Federation head] Mark Gurvis asked me to apply. This was an opportunity to connect my Jewish values to my day-to-day work.

“The most rewarding aspects of the job are when you can move from project inception to project completion,” she said. “The most recent example was the establishment of the Food Security Task Force in 2017. I was responsible for staffing the task force. The task force released their report in late 2018. The report had an important impact in raising awareness about the depth of food insecurity in our community. Through the hard work of Jewish Family Services and many generous donors, we have seen the implementation of one of the key recommendations of that report, the establishment of an integrated food hub. This has been very rewarding.”

Rivkin feels strongly about the benefits of a Jewish education.

“I am setting up an endowment with the Jewish Community Foundation that I hope that Shalhevet supporters will contribute to,” she said. “Over time, the interest earned on the capital can enable Shalhevet to support special projects that are not covered through their general operations.

“I am setting this up because I believe strongly that young Jewish women should have full access to quality general studies and Judaics education. As an Orthodox woman myself, I am committed to ensuring that young Orthodox women living in Vancouver have the best educational opportunities available.”

Currently, Shalhevet has 14 students enrolled for the 2020-2021 school year, and they anticipate around the same number of students for the next year, Meira Federgrun, head of school, told the Independent. “What we lack in student numbers, we definitely make up in enthusiasm and involvement,” she said.

About how the school has been coping with COVID-19, Federgrun shared, “As with all schools in B.C., Shalhevet had to craft a safe return-to-school document that was approved by the Ministry of Education before the start of the school year last September; we have been doing full-time, in-person learning since then. We have sanitizing products available throughout the school and high-touch surfaces, as well as equipment, are sanitized several times a day. Our staff and students wear masks in all areas of the school, including the main room and classrooms, and remove them to eat or drink.

“Because Shalhevet is a small school,” she said, “our entire staff and student body is considered one cohort, so we are fortunate in that we don’t have to worry about a lot of the restrictions and traffic flow that larger schools with multiple cohorts have. As a result, we’ve been able to provide our students with as ‘normal’ a daily school experience as possible.”

The annual gala is the only way the school raises money. “It’s our once-a-year fundraiser,” said Claman. “It’s also a way to bring awareness of Shalhevet’s great contribution to the community and its importance in maintaining a thriving Orthodox community.”

Part of the virtual celebration will be a piece performed by the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra, which was organized by Danielle Ames Spivak, chief executive officer of the Friends of the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra.

It will include “an introduction from [Irit Rub] the director of KeyNote, the musical education department of Israel Philharmonic, talking about the relevance of education and music,” said Claman. “Every year, we offer some form of entertainment, like comedians, a magician, etc., but we had to find something that would be conducive to online entertainment.”

Also part of this year’s gala, said Claman, “For the first time ever, we will be showing a video taking an inside look at Shalhevet.”

For her part, Rivkin said, “I am so grateful to the Shalhevet community to be honoured this way. It has been so uplifting for me to know about this honour, especially following such a challenging year.”

Can we all get along?

Women of the Wall was founded as a minyan of women from different movements coming together on common ground for Rosh Chodesh. (photo by Michal Patelle via Wikimedia Commons)

In April 2015 – in the aftermath of the death of 25-year-old African-American Freddie Gray inside a police van after being arrested by the Baltimore Police Department, followed by days of riots in Baltimore, Md. – African-American street gangs, the Bloods and Crips, stood side-by-side against police brutality. The Baltimore Sun, and several national papers and social media outlets, carried photographs of the members of the typically warring gangs posing together, with captions about the gangs being determined to “unite for a common good.”

Tzippi Shaked, author of Three Ladies, Three Lattes: Percolating Discussions in the Holy Land, believes that the case of the Bloods and Crips unifying together is a valuable lesson for the Jewish community, in which there are frequent divisions along religious lines. This was echoed by Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu in his annual Rosh Hashanah greeting last year, in which he urged Jewish unity by working “together … [to] build our Jewish state – because we’re united, proud of our past and committed to our future.”

Can Jewish people of different religious denominations truly unite and work together for a common good?

The concept of Jewish unity is one that comes up around the High Holidays due to the Torah portions read before the holidays: Nitzavim and Vayelech. In Nitzavim, we read, “Today, you are all standing before God your Lord; your leaders, your tribal chiefs … even your woodcutters and water drawers.” (Deuteronomy 29:9) Eighteenth-century Rabbi Schneur Zalman explained this in his famous work Likkutei Torah as all Jews standing equally and united before God despite their differences.

Vayelech also concludes when Moses addresses “the entire assembly of Israel” (Deuteronomy 29:1) in a unified manner. Such a colorful image is harder to picture today, when headlines and op-eds tend to stress divisiveness, and the parts over the whole.

“I come from a family with a Charedi brother. I am Modern Orthodox. I have a sister who is secular. Growing up, my father was secular and my mom religious. If we can pull it off under one roof, I believe so can society in general,” said Shaked.

photo - Moses speaks to the Children of Israel. An illustration from The Boys of the Bible by Hartwell James, published by Henry Altemus Company, 1905 and 1916 — Moses speaks to the Children of Israel. An illustration from The Boys of the Bible by Hartwell James, published by Henry Altemus Company, 1905 and 1916. *(photo from Wikimedia Commons)*

Shaked, together with one Charedi and one secular woman, spent two and a half years discussing the topics that divide and unite Jewish women, and then embarked on a mission to teach others that, while Jews might not always agree ideologically, politically or religiously, they can be united. This is the topic of her book.

Rabbi Joel Oseran, vice-president emeritus for international development at the World Union for Progressive Judaism, said that, in his experience, it is “rare to see the common good having the highest value,” especially in Israel, where “the playing field among denominations is not level at all.”

“When I am right and you are wrong, how can there be diversity?” Oseran asked. “You have to allow for more than one way to be right in order to respect diversity.”

Shaked disagreed, saying that unity and friendship have little to do with accepting others’ opinions or hoping to change them.

“It’s naive to think that anyone will change his or her mind,” she said, and it has more to do with a belief that people can become friends in spite of differences in levels of religious observance.

“It is very easy to rip apart the other. It is very difficult to look for the positive,” she said. “Irrespective of which religious background you come from, you have to ask yourself, do I look to build bridges or do I look to inflame?”

This has been Marne Rochester’s modus operandi. An active Conservative Jew, Rochester moved to Israel 26 years ago. In the Jewish state, she maintains her Conservative identity, while sending her daughter to a religious school and praying at a variety of different synagogues. She is most active in a Jerusalem Masorti (Conservative) congregation, but she also attends a Sephardi, egalitarian minyan.

“I think Conservative and Orthodox, and Conservative and Reform, have a lot in common,” said Rochester. “Both the Orthodox and Conservative movements are halachic movements. We just see the interpretation more liberally than the Orthodox.”

When it comes to daily life, she said it’s easy to get along, especially in Israel, where Conservative congregants tend to follow more of the movement’s code of conduct, as opposed to the United States, where “a lot of people who belong to Conservative shuls don’t necessarily go by what the movement says.”

Rochester has Orthodox friends willing to eat in her home and share Shabbat together with her.

But, Rochester, who takes part in monthly Women of the Wall ceremonies at the Kotel, said the biggest differentiator between the Orthodox and the Conservative is the role of women in public Judaism and the synagogue. While in Orthodox Judaism women take a back step to men in religious life, “since my bat mitzvah, I read from the Torah, lead services, put on a tallit and tefillin,” she noted. “But, I feel like in my neighborhood, we all get along. We all respect each other and don’t check each other’s tzitzit.”

Rochester added that Women of the Wall was founded as a minyan of women from different movements coming together on common ground for Rosh Chodesh. While it has become a major media focus, and a point of divisiveness between Jews in the Diaspora, in Israel, at its core, “You have Orthodox, Reform and Conservative women all together – that is such a powerful, beautiful thing.”

Oseran said he wishes he would see more leaders taking a stance in the direction of unity.

“I am not optimistic from the top down,” he said, but admitted positive steps are percolating on a grassroots level.

“There are many Orthodox Jews who understand there is more than one way to be Jewish and are prepared to bridge some of the differences in order to be stronger together,” he said, noting that Israelis could learn a lot from the Jewish Federations of North America movement, which is built on a sense of a collective Jewish community in which any Jewish people can fit and find their place.

“How do you create a building bridges mindset?” Shaked asked. “Take the time to make yourself available to talk to others. Be open to meeting people.… We all have to take the plunge.”

She also recommends celebrating the successes of others and volunteering in communities different than your own.

Harkening back to the unity established by the Bloods and Crips in the wake of the Baltimore riots in 2015, Shaked said she read a study published more than 20 years ago by the Simon Wiesenthal Centre that found that gang members cannot unify by simply learning about one another through movies, being told positive messages about one another, or even through dialogue. Rather, they need to work together on a common project. By working for a common goal, the Bloods and Crips found unity.

“I ask this Rosh Hashanah to join with all Israelis, with friends of Israel, with the Jewish people everywhere in wishing for a better future,” said Netanyahu is his previous Rosh Hashanah address.

“I believe these friendships can be struck. I have seen it and I live it,” Shaked said.

To read more from JNS.org, click here.

Couples need to talk about sex

Doreen Seidler-Feller, PhD, is a clinical psychologist who has decided to focus her practice, in part, on the underserved population of Orthodox Jews. (photo from Doreen Seidler-Feller)

While sex is vital to our existence, it remains a topic many people are not comfortable discussing. Yet it is critical that we at least feel comfortable talking about it in private with our partners. It is even more fulfilling if we are able to enjoy the act of it with them, too.

Unfortunately, some newlywed Jewish Orthodox couples find themselves unable to consummate their marriages in an enjoyable way, due to a lack of sexual education and some misguided sexual advice from their peers. Enter sex therapist Doreen Seidler-Feller, PhD, a Los Angeles-based clinical psychologist who has decided to focus her practice, in part, on the underserved population of Orthodox Jews.

“I’m the last resort for everyone in this area,” Seidler-Feller told the Independent. “Nobody likes to come and face the situation in which they need to talk about something as intimate as their sexuality and their relations with their partners.”

Since people often only go to Seidler-Feller after they have exhausted all the options they can think of to solve the difficulties by themselves, she sees more complicated cases.

“It’s rare that I see a man alone,” she said. “It’s more likely that I’d see a man together with his wife, presenting as a couple, or that I’d see women alone. The reason for this is that, frequently, the problem is identified as theirs [the woman’s]. If it is an issue of painful intercourse or the involuntary contracture of the vaginal musculature that denies entry to the man … any sort of pain condition inside the vaginal vault or inability to tolerate intercourse … it makes sense that she would present alone.”

As treatment progresses, Seidler-Feller brings her patient’s partner into the process, as there is always some bridging required to bring the couple back into harmony and aid in their sexual choreography. Sometimes, the partner, too, may have a problem undiscovered until that point. In that case, his individual problem becomes addressable.

“The issue that causes the greatest anxiety is the inability to consummate marriage – a pain condition and an inability to tolerate insertion are conditions most likely to bring them into treatment,” she said. “These conditions not only deny the couple the opportunity for the mitzvah pru u’rvu [being fruitful and multiplying]. They deny them the opportunity for pleasure, the sensations of adulthood, and related normalcy.”

According to Seidler-Feller, the next most likely causes for seeking treatment are if the man has erection or ejaculation control difficulties, while the least likely cause is a woman being unable to achieve orgasm.

The majority of Orthodox couples and individuals Seidler-Feller sees are between the ages of 21 and 35.

“People, usually women, also sometimes want to come to me to talk about something in their past that they haven’t been able to talk to anyone about, that may be relevant to their sexual dysfunction,” said Seidler-Feller. “In that case, my being a stranger to her – not necessarily part of her community – is a plus, not a minus. That is because usually it enables the patient to maintain a certain kind of anonymity. At the same time, it enables her to raise the question of to what extent an experience of either subtle or outright sexual abuse might be relevant to her sexual difficulty.”

Since the work is so intimate, Seidler-Feller works strictly in person – not over the phone or electronically – partially to challenge the taboo around frank sexual discussion in the Orthodox world. Also, because of the inhibition that exists around both the language and activity involved in human sexuality, one-on-one discussions are most useful.

In a world where oblique language supplies the vocabulary, Seidler-Feller is not a fan of maintaining the status quo. One of her objectives is to train couples to be completely open with each other, to say what they mean and mean what they say.

“They can deal with the rest of the world in euphemism and indirection, that’s fine,” she said, “but I don’t want them, with one another, to talk in euphemistic and inhibited language, as it may lead to difficulties and misunderstandings.”

On the other hand, Seidler-Feller does not advocate the use of clinical or vulgar language. Her intention is simply to help a couple speak clearly to each other, so they can effectively express their desires.

“Once the dysfunction is behind them, they are left with a world of possibilities about how to enact their sexual relationship,” said Seidler-Feller. “Some find, at that stage, that they want to have a more ample, open and variable sexual relationship. For that to be realized, they need to be strong internally and know what they feel and want. This way, they can refer to their experience clearly and can effectively achieve their wishes.”

Seidler-Feller’s treatment is short-term behavior-oriented psychotherapy and involves focused discussion, not actual activity of any sort in a session. Her patients are given a series of exercises designed for them, specifically based on what their diagnostic assessment reveals and what are their halachic (Jewish law), cultural and value considerations. The exercises, which the couple completes in the privacy of their home, are the subject of each session. Usually, the person who has the dysfunction begins by doing self-directed exercises. Later, the couple performs partner exercises together.

“Over the course of the week, I expect my patients to do the exercises three or four times, and journal,” said Seidler-Feller. “Then, they bring back their journals or good memories, as the case may be, and we talk about what they did over the course of the week. And, I put in my two cents about how to enlarge it or differently shape it.”

In this broad way, Seidler-Feller approaches numerous issues wherein primary medical causes have been ruled out or are limited in their effects.

Seidler-Feller would like to see a standardized curriculum in Orthodox day schools.

“I’d like to see Orthodox day schools become more courageous, to face the fact that we live in a modern world where people of all kinds get their sexual information and values from all sorts of places,” she said. “It’s still true that most get information from their peers, which is variable, and, even when the information is good, is never enough.

“A sexual ethic involving a modern Jewish approach to sexual values must be developed to have a chance of captivating the imagination of both young Orthodox men and women, as well as the non-Orthodox. Otherwise, we condemn our young to the values either of the street or the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch [Code of Jewish Law].”

Seidler-Feller sees talking about problems surrounding sex, and giving young people especially a way to think about sex as something that is spiritually and emotionally enriching, is critical. She also thinks it will reduce a lot of personal anguish and marital tension.

“I’d like to see public forums in the Orthodox world, where people like me are invited into synagogues, panels or programs, offering the opportunity to talk about responsible human sexuality in the Jewish context, Orthodox context, in a straightforward, unapologetic way,” said Seidler-Feller. “This could help rabbis in the institutions that have failed us, to the extent that they consider all public discussion on sexuality as somehow immodest and prohibited. My dream is that when they come to the chuppah [marriage canopy] and to the world of marriage beyond, couples are truly prepared.”

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.

How author lost faith

photo - Shulem Deen, author of the memoir All Who Go Do Not Return — Shulem Deen, author of the memoir *All Who Go Do Not Return*. *(photo by Pearl Gabel)*

One of my Haaretz blogs several months ago told the stories of two individuals who left the Orthodox fold. This past June, I nearly swallowed whole the new former-Chassid memoir everyone was talking about: Shulem Deen’s All Who Go Do Not Return. I then caught up with Shulem by phone, where we spent two hours musing about Talmud and kabbala, faith and questioning, whether the concept of dogma can be expressed in Chassidic Yiddish, what he sees when he revisits the film The Chosen and whether he still loves Beethoven, the first movie he ever saw (he doesn’t).

Those who have read the memoir or the press coverage of it know that, after he was declared a heretic, his Skverer Chassid community in New Square, N.Y., excommunicated him. Along with their five children, his wife – still a firm believer – moved with him to the nearby town of Monsey, before his marriage ultimately dissolved. He now lives in Brooklyn and is on the board of Footsteps, an organization dedicated to helping former Chassidim adjust to secular life. Tragically, his children refuse all contact with him.

I admitted to being a bit confused as I approached the topic. In my youth, I had learned that Judaism, more than any other religion even, encourages questioning. Is this true? I asked Shulem. Of modern Judaism, it is, he admitted. But not of orthodoxy. He cited a talmudic dictum that appears in his book: “He who asks the following four questions – what is above, what is below, what is the future, what is the past – it is better if he were never born.”

Shulem described what it was like to lose faith. “Once my faith fell apart,” he told me, “my worldview fell apart…. If one of these [principles] is not true then what is true?” Shulem likened it to existing in a Matrix-type world, or being a character in The Truman Show.

Yet, despite rejecting his Chassidism at enormous personal cost, and no longer believing in God, Shulem maintains a strong Jewish identity, including a commitment to “Jewish peoplehood, Jewish history, Jewish text, Jewish culture and Jewish tradition.”

He studies Talmud weekly, approaching the text as “literature,” as he puts it. Neither is he dismissive of Yiddish – the language that has effectively kept many Chassidim ignorant of English: another barrier to engaging with the secular world. Yet he enjoys reading Yiddish writers such as Sholem Aleichem, Chaim Grade and Isaac Bashevis Singer, and even grants spoken Yiddish press interviews as the need arises.

Where he draws the line is dogma.

Community-instilled religious dogma is what arguably led his children to reject him. Shulem is insightful about how things unfolded. “When a child is taught that his parent is wicked … what the child feels … is shame,” Shulem writes in the book. And, from this shame, comes a desire to distance oneself from the perceived source of the shame.

It’s enough to make any parent rage forever into the night. But, as a writer, Shulem was careful to contain his anger, feeling that deploying that emotion “would have impeded” the reader’s experience.

And yet, others’ anger was on his mind as he decided what to include. At one point, he ran into a former student. Without his beard, Shulem wasn’t immediately recognizable, until something clicked. “I know you,” the student said. “You hit me with a wire.” Shulem apologized, and left the exchange feeling “incredibly ashamed.” Including the scene about his act of corporal punishment was for him an “act of penance.”

Before our interview, I had noticed Shulem recommending the film The Chosen on Facebook. One of the favorite movies of my own childhood, my curiosity was piqued. What would a former Chassid get from a film about the tension between fundamentalism and modernity? Hadn’t he lived it enough? Not so, which is what makes Shulem such a thoughtful and appealing writer and interlocutor. “I think it’s brilliant. It’s beautiful,” he says of the film. His favorite scene? The rebbe’s tisch (communal meal). Unlike the contemporary tisch (a setting that Shulem wrote about in a poignant 2011 essay revealing the pain of a once-believer), he said of the film’s scene, “This is a 1940s world where a rebbe has only several dozen followers. It’s a very intimate, very spirited setting. Something very simple, yet devout.”

I was touched by Shulem’s ability to still be able to glimpse goodness in a system that had oppressed him; perhaps this is the definition of open-mindedness, that rare commodity among the ultra-religious.

Indeed, the broad themes of the film continue to speak to him. Given the increasing porousness between Chassidism and the outside world due to the march of technology, “people are testing the boundaries and trying to see what is possible while staying within the community,” Shulem said. And, while his book recounts his struggle to do just that, via a primitive AOL internet hookup, a job in Manhattan and – something he relayed to me – taking his daughters to the public library, his world eventually imploded. Part of this was due to the feeling that the ground was opening beneath his feet. And part of it stemmed from a problem all too common in modern life: basic marriage incompatibility.

To a non-Chassid, Shulem’s story is a fascinating glimpse into a hidden world, just as it is ultimately a universal story about the pursuit of personal truth, the attempt to be open-minded in a close-minded world and, ultimately, the bitter inability to control what others believe about the righteousness of one’s path.

Mira Sucharov is an associate professor of political science at Carleton University. She blogs at Haaretz and the Jewish Daily Forward. A version of this article was originally published on haartez.com.

One day to raise $1 million

Twenty Orthodox Jewish outreach groups to fundraise together.

The Association for Jewish Outreach Professionals (AJOP) has issued a challenge to North American Orthodox Jewish outreach organizations to raise $1 million in one day collaboratively. And it’s all or nothing.

Each of 20 outreach organizations will have 24 hours to raise approximately $50,000 or more, each using the crowdfunding platform charidy.com:

All donations pledged online on Feb. 17 will be matched by three donors, quadrupling each gift.
If the organizations do not meet their online goals within 24 hours, none of the pledges will be processed or collected for any of the organizations.

Rabbi Yitzchok Lowenbraun, national director of AJOP, explained, “This ambitious event is designed to increase support for the participating organizations, allowing them to spend more of their time on outreach, and less time on fundraising. At the same time, we hope to give hundreds of people who would give a gift to kiruv [bringing secular Jews closer to Orthodox Judaism] a chance to show their support, as well as encourage new donors who have an affinity for kiruv and would give $10, $18 or $100 if they had an easy way to do it. At the end of the day, donors at all levels will see how significant their support is and that they are partners in a much bigger picture – their donation to a local organization will help leverage $1 million for the klal [whole].”

Participating organizations include UJCEEA (United Jewish Communities of Eastern Europe and Asia), Judaic Heritage (University of Maryland, Baltimore), Meor NYU (New York University), Aish Israeli, Aish Jerusalem, OU (Orthodox Union) NextGen and NCSY (National Conference of Synagogue Youth) alumni program.

The donation page (charidy.com/millionforoutreach) will only be open on Feb. 17, but earlier this week, information about the event was posted on millionforoutreach.com.