mindfulness

Working through emotions

The experiential feeling of shame is defined as a painful emotion caused by feeling like you have done something wrong or disgraceful. Shame is a popular trope and is associated with the concept of “Jewish guilt.” However, on the ground and in my practice with tweens, adolescents and adult women, shame carries with it strong painful emotions and regret(s). Shame is a common reaction to anxiety, depression and mental and emotional stress.

For the therapeutic clients who work with me, shame is expressed as all-consuming. In the context of emotional and mental stresses that are relational or situational, common expressions of shame arise of feeling broken, defective and disconnected. My general aim is to acknowledge the power of shame and their particular relationship to it by also normalizing the emotion and experiences with it. As a therapist, I use various creative-, expressive-, psychosocial-, embodied-, feminist-, narrative- and mindfulness-based psychotherapies to work a way inside, through and outside of the burdens my clients are holding. For the purpose of this article, I will focus on mindfulness psychotherapy.

Experiences of anxiety, depression, grief, relationship and family struggles often result in individuals being programmed and aware of the value of, or favouring of, one part of their experience over another – for some, it is intellectual or cognitive abilities; others are guided by emotions; others by physical signals. More and more we are realizing the importance of recognizing and listening to all of our responses as a way to heal and grow. A mindful approach to psychotherapy helps you identify and integrate all of these parts of yourself. Brain science validates this notion and suggests that, by attending to your thought patterns, emotional reactions and sensory experiences, you can change patterns of thinking, feeling and moving in the world. Even complicated mental and emotional health experiences paired with the weight of shame can be tackled using mindfulness as a key component in therapy and applying it in day-to-day life.

Mindfulness practice offers hope for changing unwanted or destructive reactions, belief systems and behaviours that seem fixed or difficult to mobilize. For example, if you have a negative self-view, by noticing the story you tell yourself and considering it a pattern of thinking versus a truth, there is room to reevaluate and create a more accurate description of yourself. And, when you have a more accurate and accepting view of yourself, you are more likely to trust yourself and live more freely. This work is not easy and it is important to proceed gently and in the care of a trusted mental health professional.

I will share a short mindfulness practice that you can do at home. Mindfulness connects one’s mind to one’s body and one’s breath. I like carrying out this mindfulness exercise with my individual therapeutic clients and in group therapy because it serves as a reminder to connect to one’s body and to breathe through it. Through this mindfulness practice, that I call “body scan,” one can gain both emotional and physical clarity and start a naming and eventual cleansing of emotions that do not serve including shame.

Body scan

Find a place you can sit comfortably, quietly and undisturbed and set a gentle timer for five to 10 minutes. Be kind with yourself and start slowly, with five minutes. The more you practise, the easier a longer mindfulness practice will be.

During the body scan exercise, you will pay close attention to the physical sensations throughout your body. The goal is not to change or relax your body and mind, but instead to notice and become more aware of your body, your mind and your breath.

Begin by paying attention to the sensations in your feet. Notice any sensations such as warmth, coolness, pressure, pain or a breeze moving over your skin. Slowly move up your body – to your calves, thighs, pelvis, stomach, chest, back, shoulders, arms, hands, fingers, neck and, finally, your head. Spend some time on each of these body parts, just noticing the sensations. Remember to breathe as fully as you can, in through your mouth, exhaling through your nose. Your breaths are like gentle and ongoing waves.

After you travel your body, begin to move back down, through each part, until you reach your feet again. Remember to move slowly, and just pay attention, breathing and noticing.

Dr. Abby Wener Herlin holds a doctorate degree from the University of British Columbia. She is the founder of Threads Education and Counselling and works with tweens, adolescents and adults. She carries out themed social justice and creative arts and writing workshops for students, teachers and schools. She is available for therapeutic sessions and contemplative writing workshops. She can be reached at [email protected] or via threadseducation.com.

Youth during the pandemic

Eleven months into the global COVID-19 pandemic and the statement, “we are living in unprecedented times,” has become commonplace and cliché. But, truth is at the root of this clichéd phrase. Finding and feeling our way through this new reality has been fraught with stark and opposing responses; from being immobilized and stuck, to being re-inspired and productive. As an educator and counselor who has been working with tweens, adolescents and adults in the community, I have witnessed both responses, or states of being, which are completely understandable and interchangeable as minutes turn into hours, as hours turn into days, as days turn over into weeks, and weeks turn into months.

For the purpose of this article, I want to focus on how the tweens and adolescents I work with have acknowledged that, while living life through COVID-19 is extremely tough, they have found, as the late Maya Angelou phrased it, “rainbows in the clouds” during this period. It is important to acknowledge the challenges youth face, such as experiencing restrictions to peer group interactions and experiencing the change of their schooling to remote learning. Further, an important yet more general challenge youth have faced is that the developmental stage these tweens and adolescents are in is typically punctuated by healthy detachment from their families and, in turn, usually is a period where more independence is fostered. This has been halted, interrupted and/or confused, as COVID-19 has demanded that youth are at home with their parents and families.

My overarching teaching and therapeutic philosophy is to meet the individual where they are. I try to listen to their spoken and unspoken language without handing out a quick fix. I am interested in how individuals, especially tweens and adolescents, connect with themselves as their lives have slowed down, as they have retreated to bedrooms, and in-person interactions and experiences have reverted to screens and the virtual world.

To facilitate a way into the interiority of my clients, I use the modalities of expressive arts therapies, contemplative writing and mindfulness practices. In the sessions I hold with them, they commiserate on how life is for them; grieving the smaller and larger losses and disappointments they have experienced; they freely use the session to rant and complain, and share their fears and anxieties. I then work with them in various creative and expressive modalities, which has enabled them to clarify, settle, discover and deepen a connection to their mind, body and heart.

Conducting expressive art exercises on secured video has been a poignant and immediate process. Using the shared-screen option, tweens and adolescents have been able to create and present their creations in real time. Expressive art therapies have encouraged self-discovery and enabled youth to access a range of emotions and insights that many of them did not even know they were experiencing. Engaging in exercises such as “what is in my heart?,” “draw a place,” “shape of me” (for which they can attach photos) have lowered stresses and anxieties, assisted in attention span and focus, and created an emotional uplift and emotional awareness. In these stressful, highly anxious times, expressive arts therapies have assisted greatly in calming, centring and linking youth to both their interior selves and the larger landscape of their lives, despite the uneasy and ongoing pandemic landscape.

Contemplative writing is a compassion practice that encourages one to write whatever the mind has to offer. It is a modality that helps to access who we are, what we need and what we want. It is an embodied practice that allows connection of one’s head, heart, body, breath and the page. Individual contemplative writing sessions have enabled youth to listen fully to themselves and the stories they need to tell and share. It has enabled youth to be listened to and, furthermore, to understand their own insights and often non-realized thoughts. I often tell my clients: tell your stories, I will hold your words and the spaces between them. The modality of contemplative writing has allowed youth to gain confidence and feel empowered, as they accessed and used their own voices, and overall experienced a sense of agency through their writing, telling and sharing of stories.

Throughout my sessions, in conjunction with expressive arts therapies and contemplative writing, I often employ various mindfulness practices. The general aim of mindfulness is also to connect with oneself. For tweens and adolescents, who are used to, even in COVID-19, a fast-paced, pop-up, manic existence with multiple devices in reach of their hands and gazes, mindfulness offers a sharp departure. The frenzied pace of day-to-day life often increases anxiety and depression in young people. It needs to be said that, often, the anxiety and depression is more of a low-grade malaise that we are unaware of until we begin to practise mindfulness.

Generally, mindfulness involves slowing down, delving into a deeper breath, noticing and following through into various practices to relax the mind and body. With tweens and adolescents, I also invoke the senses, encouraging them by carrying out exercises that use guided imagery and engagement of the five senses. This sensory engagement includes holding and touching various objects and taking time to peel and eat (taste) an orange. In the slowing down, in the distillation to being in the moment, in the focus of breath awareness and sensory awareness, I have found youth to become more relaxed, receptive and connected. Once they have practised mindfulness, it serves as a useful and cushioning tool whereby youth are able to calm and centre themselves as they navigate their day-to-day lives.

Experience a transformation

Owner Cynthia Miller in front of Sechelt Inlet at the Pacific Peace Retreat. (photo by Efraim Gavrilovich)

Travel can be one of the most stressful activities there is. The challenges of packing “light” so you don’t have to pay for a carry-on; getting to flights at ridiculously early times of the day; not to mention dealing with foreign currency, travel insurance, airport lineups, lost luggage, strange food and the fear of contracting some exotic illness while away.

When was the last time you took a trip that not only caused minimal anxiety but actually resulted in you coming home more relaxed and truly blissful? And, more than that, with the knowledge of how to maintain that calm once you’re back at home and the stress threatens to build again? Thankfully, we live in an area of the world where such vacations are an easy option within a day’s drive of the Lower Mainland.

Along the Sunshine Coast, less than two hours’ drive from Langdale, is the Pacific Peace Retreat, where owner Cynthia Miller enables visitors to learn how to shift their mindset by being mindful and aware in the moment.

“I help them see the bigger picture instead of focusing on the problem,” she explained. “Too many people talk about the problem without really seeing the deeper aspect of what’s holding them stagnant.”

Miller provides transformation and relaxation through hypnotherapy, reiki, yoga, aromatherapy, creative arts and mindset coaching.

“I believe that we inherently want to move forward and feel a sense of growth,” she said. “And, when you step back and see your life or past from a different viewpoint, you begin to open up to something new, and that’s when growth takes place. Being mindful of the energy you want to put into every situation – that’s what we practise here.”

Miller cautions that mindfulness does take repetition. “As you practise, it becomes automatic,” she said. “I think that’s why people come here.”

At Hollyhock Leadership Learning Centre on Cortes Island, guests can take one of 90 courses offered on everything from discovering your life’s purpose to mindful self-compassion. They range from several days to several weeks.

photo - Hollyhock Garden — Hollyhock Garden *(photo by Darshan Alexander)*

“It’s learning about yourself and how you operate in the world,” said Loretta Laurin, Hollyhock’s communications manager. “We play a part in making the world better through our own development.”

Although many of the courses are geared toward people who are in a leadership or change-maker role, there are also courses that focus on health and wellness, such as cooking courses that help boost the immune system, pilates, qi gong, and self-expression with sound, as well as excursions such as sea-kayaking and nature walks. Everyone is welcome to attend, said Laurin.

Calling itself a “centre for transformative learning,” the Haven on Gabriola Island helps bring balance to people’s lives through coursework, meditation and yoga.

“There’s a real shift in energy level and transformation,” said Jo-Ann Kevala, a Haven faculty member. “People feel more connected to others.”

Even simple activities like walking can be very mindful and meditative and a way to relax into the present, said Kevala.

The Haven offers courses for women or men, couples or singles, those with high stress and those with addictions. Its signature five-day Come Alive program is an “opportunity to revitalize your life, discover and activate your resources and realize your full potential.”

photo - Quantum Leaps Lodge in Golden offers a variety of practices that will get visitors in touch with their calmer selves — Quantum Leaps Lodge in Golden offers a variety of practices that will get visitors in touch with their calmer selves. *(photo from Quantum Leaps)*

A little further afield, in Golden, visitors can participate in shamanic drumming, Buddhist philosophies and First Nations activities, such as sweat lodges or vision quests, at Quantum Leaps Retreats.

Owners Brian Olynek and Annette Boelman have accumulated a wide variety of self-discovery practices.

One of the more popular activities is the transformational labyrinth, with several spots to sit and think about specific ideas or create something, according to instructions at each spot. The concepts for the labyrinth are based on those of Buddhist monk and world spiritual leader Thich Nhat Hanh, known for his writings on mindfulness and peace. People are encouraged to walk the labyrinth as often as they want and not worry about time.

While much of the world encourages stress and materialism, at Quantum Leaps, said Olynek, “people step out of fear and stress and tap into their own happiness and joyfulness.”

Baila Lazarus is a Vancouver-based writer and principal media strategist at bailalazarus.com.

Shul etiquette “commandments”

There’s no use in pretending it doesn’t bother me. The woman has invaded my sacrosanct space and time! But what can I do about it?

Let me explain.

I have a precious and brief time that I dedicate to enhancing my well-being each week. I attend a yoga class on my doctor’s order to become mindful of my time and space. I have come to cherish this opportunity to shut out the constant and disparate white noise that my brain exudes during the rest of my week. It’s the noise that reminds me to pay a bill, check my calendar for meetings, and note the items I have to remember to add to the shopping list. Not to mention all the family obligations that must be juggled. I’m anxious just writing these items, worried that my life is spinning out of my control, hence my doctor’s suggestion-cum-order.

In the first few minutes of each class, I focus my energy, breathing in and exhaling slowly. Recently, just as I was reaching the plateau that allows me to connect mind and body, the door to the quiet room opened with a woman who was not quite finished a phone conversation.

“Yeah, I know just what you mean, Sally. I had the same issue with her. I’ll have to tell you about it after my yoga class. I’m just getting in to it now.” Sally’s friend looks around, finds a spot, dumps her bag and continues to talk. “Oh, you do? Which one do you take?” She tucks the phone between her ear and shoulder, then unrolls her mat. “Really? Uh huh. Oh, and how much is it? Wow, that’s a lot less than I’m spending.” She upends her bag, looking for her water bottle. The instructor looks at her and smiles, suggesting she is ready to begin. “Listen sweetie, I gotta go, this class makes the British rail schedule look slack! Yeah, let’s do that, I’ll check my schedule for next week. No problem, I’m always here for you.”

As the instructor takes us through the first movement, Sally’s friend declares that this first stretch is feeling good, especially after such a stressful day. I am regaining my initial plateau, reminding myself that I need to judge others favorably. But with each position shift Sally’s friend has a comment. I’m finding these verbal utterances very intrusive.

Sally’s friend is not content with oohing and aahing. Now she is complimenting other classmates on their yoga attire. My desired state of mind is now wishful thinking. The only thing I am mindful of is how aggravated I am getting. Doesn’t Sally’s friend realize that this space and time is sacrosanct to me and to the others? Surely she must realize that there is a time and place for everything, and that this is neither the time, nor the place for her behavior. How can she be so oblivious to her poor yoga etiquette? Can she not see the distress she is causing?

This is related to my other dilemma. I don’t go to yoga to enhance my well-being and connect with my soul and my soul-maker; for that, I go to shul and pray with my community. And Sally’s friend’s behaviors reflect behaviors that regularly occur each Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur and on any given Shabbos, from people both religiously observant and not. So, I humbly submit for consideration and hopeful implementation “10 commandments of etiquette for shul attendance.”

Remember in whose house you are a guest. The sanctuary is G-d’s domain, not yours. People often comment they don’t find shul a “spiritual experience,” but a little preparation can help. Just as you ready yourself for a day of work, ensuring you have briefed yourself for an upcoming meeting, for example, so you should ready yourself for prayer. Avail yourself of the many sources of Jewish inspirational writings for the appropriate holy day. It’s up to all of us to bring our own spiritual thoughts and emotions to the sanctuary.
No cellphones. Just as theatres request that you refrain from talking, texting or photographing, shul is not a place for cellphone use during Shabbos or Yom Tov. If G-d needs you, He’s got a better way of getting your attention. And, if you can’t separate yourself from your communicator for the length of services, you’ve probably got an addiction and may need some professional help – perhaps even a yoga class.
Stop the chatter. Shul is not a baseball diamond, and you are not in the outfield yelling, “batter, batter, batter, swing batter.” The rabbi, chazzan and Torah reader do not require a cheering section and you are not there to provide color commentary. They do require your respectful attention.
Socialize outside the sanctuary. Any conversation longer than the prerequisite greeting of “Good Shabbos or good Yom Tov” should be held outside of the sanctuary. Nobody else wants to hear about your bad back and why you can’t golf or play tennis anymore.
No market reports, please. Whether it’s Bloomberg, BNN, the Wall Street Journal or the costs of buying kosher meat and poultry, if it is important enough to discuss at length, see Commandment #4.
Wear comfortable shoes. Women, you are not walking the catwalk in a Jimmy Choo or Louboutin fashion show. There are lengthy periods of the services that require standing in front of the open ark. Sitting down while the ark is open is disrespectful unless you’re over 70 or have a serious medical condition or impairment. If you regularly suffer from foot fatigue, pinched toes or aching bunions, bring a pair of flats.
No beach, cocktail or lingerie wear. It should be obvious but if your outfit suggests you need to apply sunscreen, then don’t wear it to shul, as it’s unlikely that there will be a tanning bed provided. Likewise, men, jeans – no matter if they are considered “dress wear” – are not appropriate unless you are under the age of 6, and even then it’s questionable. As well, unless your shul sports a disco ball from the ceiling over the bimah, leave the booty-shaking togs at home.
Don’t show off your offspring. Bubbies and zaidies, your grandchildren are not fashion accessories. They are small human beings, worthy of your respect. If you insist on traipsing them through the sanctuary to have your shul mates ooh and aah over them, you are doing yourself and your grandchildren a disservice, and creating a distraction for all around you.
Bribing children into the sanctuary. From a small child’s point of view, the sanctuary is crowded and there are a bunch of strangers wanting to pinch their cheeks or kiss them. Offering bribes in the form of candy, juice, cookies or an iPad or other tech gadget often results in major negotiations that would impress even the most accomplished CEO. Save yourself the grief and sign the kids up for shul programs for their age group, or leave them at home with Mary Poppins.
No electronic gadgets. This is for shul attendees of all ages. Just as police are cracking down on distracted driving, there should be a penalty for distracted davening. Do not engage your smartphone or Star Trek communicator during “slow parts” of the service. Answering your email, checking Facebook or sharing your latest photos are not earning you any extra credit with G-d.

We all have a lot to be grateful for and Rosh Hashanah is the time to express our gratitude to our creator on the anniversary of the creation of the world. At a time when we ask for emotional, physical and spiritual help on behalf of ourselves and others, we should be mindful that we are being judged by the king of all judges regarding our behavior, our attitudes, our compassion and our consideration for our fellow human beings.

Ellen Freedman is a native Vancouverite. She is a longtime reader and first-time writer.

Words have power to heal

Mark Waldman has been working with neuroscientist Dr. Andrew Newberg for almost two decades, including on their latest book, Words Can Change Your Brain. (photo from Mark Waldman)

According to Dr. Andrew Newberg, neuroscientist at Thomas Jefferson University, and Mark Robert Waldman, communications expert, in their book Words Can Change Your Brain: 12 Conversation Strategies to Build Trust, Resolve Conflict and Increase Intimacy, one “single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress.”

Waldman and Newberg have been collaborating for almost two decades, and have written 14 books about relationships and neuroscience. They have also published many neuroscientific papers and journal articles exploring how different forms of spiritual practice and positive thinking affect the brain.

“This particular book was my idea, because I’d been working on a form of dialogue practice going back to about 1993,” said Waldman of Words Can Change Your Brain.

“A very well-known ancient Jewish meditation is to gaze at a candle until you feel that you and the candle become one … so you and the candle become the sense of united fire or energy,” he said. “You can do the same thing by focusing in on your breathing. You immerse yourself in the cool air coming into your nose, the warm air exhaling, feeling the rising and falling of your chest. When your mind wanders, you simply come back to your breathing as a training mechanism for learning how to stay in the present moment.”

All of these mindfulness practices, said Waldman, have been well documented as having many benefits – from helping lower anxiety, physical stress and emotional stress, to equipping people with better control of their emotions and raising their self-awareness and social awareness.

Waldman suggested starting by bringing mindfulness into daily activities, like eating.

“If you were to slow down and pick up a small piece of food, and hold it on your tongue and savor that one piece of food, you would discover all kinds of different flavors and sensations that we’re not normally conscious of,” he explained. “If you apply mindfulness to eating, you end up eating less and enjoying your food more. This has become an activity that’s been integrated into weight-loss programs and programs to help people interrupt eating disorders like bulimia.”

In 1993, Waldman and Newberg began asking themselves questions like how often are we aware of the words we speak, of the feelings behind those words, of how those words affect the person we are speaking to; how often do we take the time to really savor and pay attention to what the other person is saying, their facial expression, their tone of voice?

They started to develop what they dubbed “dialogical meditation,” which eventually morphed into “compassionate communication.”

After more than 20 years of research into what speaking mindfully means, they began working on Words Can Change Your Brain, which includes all their new research findings.

“Some of what we discovered, based on many different types of neuroscientific studies, is that the slower you speak, the more the listener’s comprehension’s increases,” said Waldman. “Their body also relaxes when you speak more slowly. And, with less physical tension, there’s more ability to be socially connected and engaged with the other individual.

“As our research unfolded, we recognized a very important neurological fact – that, consciously, we can only be aware of about seven to 10 words at a time. So, we created what we called a ‘communication game.’ We have people sit down and face each other and we ask them to speak very slowly and briefly, just one sentence. While they are doing so, we want them to experience what those words actually feel like. Then, they pause after speaking one sentence briefly. They pay close attention to the other person’s face and tone of voice while they speak … and you go back and forth like this.

“What we discovered from the very first time we did this experiment in 1993 is that 25% of those in the room, after doing this slow speaking and listening exercise, had tears rolling down their faces.”

Participants in this process were paired with people they did not know and they were not told what to say in their one sentence. The researchers found that, even when they conducted this experiment in a room with 1,500 people, within four to seven minutes, many people found themselves experiencing profound, intimate dialogue.

“They had to let the other person listen deeply to that one sentence and respond,” said Waldman. “So, we were keeping people in the present moment, grounded, not just in the thoughts they had that we are normally trying to turn into words, but to pay attention to the other person’s facial expression and tone of voice.”

Waldman went on to explain that, when it comes to communication, of the seven different elements of effective communication, words are Number 7. Number 1 is facial expression, followed by tone of voice, body language and the emotional or mental state you are in.

“So, the more relaxed you are, the more you’re actually in the present moment, the more the other person can understand what you’re saying, be affected by what you’re saying,” said Waldman.

The research found that, when participants closed their eyes and recalled a pleasant memory, visualized someone they greatly love or an event that brought them great satisfaction, 90% of them had a half-smile on their faces.

Waldman described this as a “Mona Lisa smile that, when other people see it, it triggers the trust centres in the person’s brain. You neurologically trust someone who has this Mona Lisa-like smile.”

Waldman believes that this research lends itself well to teaching managers, salespeople, teachers and those just entering the dating world. “What would happen if you slowed your speaking down and listened more closely, if you maintained that small half-smile on your face?” he asked. “As you speak, you can generate better intimacy and stimulate more collaboration and cooperation.”

Words Can Change Your Brain also documents that one single negative word triggers a dozen different stress neuro-chemicals in the brain, while spoken positive words have very little effect on the brain.

“So, the brain is designed to encode into memory every negative thought, feeling and event that we have, yet it doesn’t really do that with positive experiences,” explained Waldman. “However, if you have a brain that is filled mostly with negative memories, you’ll become chronically anxious and, eventually, chronically depressed.

“When we bring in the research of Barbara Frederickson and learn that, in relationships and in business, if you deliberately increase what she calls, ‘your positivity ratio,’ to five-to-one or to seven-to-one, for every negative thought or feeling you have … if you deliberately generate another five, six or seven positive thoughts or images … that’s how you begin to build a brain filled also with positive memories. You’re creating a form of neurological optimism. And, it turns out, these types of positive mindfulness exercises are some of the best ways to eliminate anxiety [and] depression and build more self-love and self-compassion. If your positivity ratio falls below three-to-one, you can predict very accurately that a relationship is heading toward divorce or that a company is heading toward bankruptcy.”

As Waldman presented their discoveries to the business world, he was reminded that, in this world, almost no one will give you more than 10 to 60 seconds. Most people cannot do a five-minute meditation, he said.

But, Waldman found that, if people download the mindfulness talk on their phone or computer and are willing to take 10 seconds to do one mindful yawn when they hear the alarm ring – simply notice how a yawn feels – there can be benefits.

“We have over 43 documented studies that show that yawning is one of the fastest ways to slow down an overly stressed brain,” said Waldman. “In fact, a dozen yawns or so can temporarily alleviate symptoms of Parkinson’s, epilepsy, migraines, what have you. So, yawning is the fastest way to alleviate mental stress.

“We ask a person, once an hour, to take 10 seconds to do one mindful yawn…. Take 20 seconds to do one mindful stretch, recall one pleasant memory…. Think about one single word, a value word, that you want to anchor yourself in for the next hour, something like ‘confidence,’ ‘focus’ or ‘calmness.’”

Thinking of Judaism’s role in all of this, Waldman said, “I think, for me, Judaism gave me the framework to question, challenge and think deeply about everything, which is just one of the most thrilling spiritual states I find for myself. I think this is how Judaism has influenced me in the past and continues to guide me in the present.”

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.