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Sept. 21, 2007
It's time to apologize
The word's letters explain the way we forgive.
DAVE GORDON
Apologies are so important in Judaism that not only is there a
holy day dedicated to teshuvah (repentance), but there are three
different words that mean "I'm sorry" in Hebrew: slicha,
mechila and kapara.
Amazingly, the formula for a kosher apology is embedded within the
word "slicha." Each letter in the word is a different
step in the process of atonement, and G-d spelled out the prescription
for beginning one's teshuvah using the letters' actual character
meanings.
The letters in the Hebrew alphabet are not only letters, but they
also represent ideas. Each letter's name is a concept. The letters
of slicha are as follows: samech, lamed, yud, het and hey. Samech
in Hebrew means "trust," and it's the very thing that
has to be rebuilt in the process of an apology. The person who hurt
someone has to work to dissipate the mistrust that has been caused
by their actions or words. This is done in a number of ways, such
as paying for damages, promising not to do it again and demonstrating
real regret.
Lamed means "learning" in Hebrew. Our mistakes
are the things that we hope to turn into learning experiences. In
making a kosher apology, we express to the people that we hurt that
we have learned from our mistake and will try hard to not let it
happen again.
Yud is similar to the word yad, which means "hand."
What we do to re-establish our bond with someone is shake their
hand, or offer a metaphorical outstretched hand in reconciliation.
The psalmist once wrote, "If I forget you, O Jerusalem, let
my right hand forget its skill." (Psalms 137:5) King David,
knowing the power of his hand, understood it was the same tool for
him that wrote Psalms, played the harp and wielded the sword. The
yad reminds us to focus on the umbilical cord of Judaism, Jerusalem,
in our effort to use our hand to make peace. In addition, we use
our yads during the Yom Kippur service to pound our hearts in contrition.
The het is exactly the same word for "sin" in Hebrew.
Judaism requires us to take responsibility for our actions, hold
ourselves accountable for our mistakes and apologize when we've
hurt someone. The het is there to remind us that we need to own
up to what we've done, and that it is a sin against G-d to hurt
our fellow human beings. The Yom Kippur machzor (prayer book)
demonstrates this clearly, when listing repeatedly the possible
sins we may have committed during the past year, requiring us to
mention them by name during the service. In fact, Rambam, in his
seminal book about apology, called The Path of Repentance,
outlines that it is necessary to specifically admit the things we've
done wrong to the people we've wronged, and do so unequivocally.
How many times have we heard the hackneyed, vague apology, which
accomplishes nothing and often adds insult injury to the hurt party:
"I'm sorry for any hurt caused," "I'm sorry if there
was any misunderstanding," etc. The former sounds as if we're
sorry for the hurt, not what we've done to cause it. The latter
chalks it up to a deficit of understanding – qualified by an
"if," indicating that had there not been any perceived
"misunderstanding," they're not sorry, after all. The
het means you recognize the sin, and own up to the mistake or the
hurt caused.
Finally, the hey. Jewish tradition tells us that the letter hey
is the symbol for Hashem. Just as surely as we must ask the people
in our lives for forgiveness, it is also essential to ask Hashem
for forgiveness, and seek from Him strength to not repeat the hurtful
action. As well, this reminds us that G-d is watching, and is aware
of, the relationships we have with others, and knows if we've hurt
someone and if we've atoned properly.
Curiously, the hey is at the end of the formula for a kosher apology.
Wouldn't we expect that G-d should come first? On the contrary,
Jewish custom tells us that even before we ask G-d for forgiveness
on Yom Kippur, we spend the 10 days prior – the Aseret Yeme
Teshuvah – asking our fellow for forgiveness for the hurt
we caused. Mankind gets 10 days to sort things out and smooth things
over with each other. G-d needs but one day, and it's only after
we've done our teshuvah with others.
You can ask G-d for forgiveness any time; it's other people with
whom you have a limited time to do it. Pirkei Avot (Ethics
of Our Fathers) Chapter 2 tells us that we should offer apology
to our fellow human beings the day before we die. How could we possibly
know when we'll die? The sages tell us that it could be any day,
theoretically, and thus we must ask for forgiveness quickly, as
we may not be offered that chance if we delay.
Now is the time for a kosher apology.
Dave Gordon is freelance writer who is completing his
book The Kosher Apology. To see more of his work, visit www.DaveGordonWrites.com.
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