Forgiving trespasses

This is the time of year to assess our behavior.

This is the third of our monthly advice columns written by experts from the Jewish Family Services Agency (JFSA). Each month we will tackle a new topic, based on questions sent in by readers (anonymity is assured). Please send your questions to [email protected].

Dear JFSA,
With the High Holy Days rapidly approaching, I have begun to take stock of my relationships. In one situation in particular, I feel that I have behaved badly, but I don't know how to begin to make amends. In another, I have been hurt and am conflicted as to whether I should forgive him and move on, or whether I should end the relationship.
Sincerely,
Confused

Dear Confused,
You are not alone in finding it hard to navigate a relationship that has gone awry. While emotional hurts, from small slights to large betrayals, are common in relationships, if left unresolved they will take a tremendous toll on the quality of the relationship. It is crucial that issues be addressed and things made right. The current month of Elul is really our invitation to begin to take stock of our relationships and to consider how to make amends. Jewish tradition offers some wonderful suggestions for ways to move through the process of healing breaches in relationships.

Maimonides, the 12th-century Jewish philosopher, proposed four steps towards repentance or teshuvah. With a little bit of updating, Maimonides' ideas continue to be as helpful and relevant as they were 800 years ago.

His four steps (in contemporary language) are roughly as follows:

Owning Up. We must begin by acknowledging to ourselves that we have done something hurtful.

Empathic Apology. We must go to the other person and express remorse and understanding of the impact that our behavior has had on the other person. An apology must be made.

Commitment. We must resolve not to repeat the hurtful behavior in the future and present a specific plan to support our commitment. It is not enough to just say that we will never do it again. We must show some understanding of why the behavior occurred in the first place and present a concrete plan for the future.

Maimonides called the completion of these first three steps partial teshuvah.

Building Trust. Complete teshuvah comes with the proof that we are following through as promised. The ultimate test is if we are able to resist temptation if a similar opportunity is ever presented.

So, in your case, you will need to look at the ways in which you may have hurt the person you mentioned above. If you do not know what went wrong, you will have to ask. Then you can work your way through the four steps. Sometimes, people find it helpful to write a letter to the person.

The process of teshuvah is not only designed to help heal relationships with others, but also to help us with our relationship with ourselves. When we behave badly, we slip below our own standards, letting ourselves down too. The Hebrew word chet, which is sometimes translated as "sin," is actually more accurately translated as "missing the mark." When we misbehave, we have essentially missed the mark. Teshuvah is the process that helps us come closer to the mark by bringing our beliefs and actions together.

Before you decide if the other relationship you mentioned is worth salvaging, give the individual the chance to make amends. Using the four steps as your guide, speak to your friend and outline what you would like him to do. Before forgiveness can even be contemplated, it is crucial that we hold those who have hurt us to the same set of standards that we set for ourselves. That means we expect them to acknowledge that they have hurt us and understand how they have hurt us; they must understand why the situation occurred; and they must have a concrete plan to ensure that it does not happen again. Research has shown that people will readily forgive if their hurt is acknowledged and if they trust that they will not be re-injured.

If you feel that the person has gone through this process, trust can be rebuilt and the relationship has a chance of recovery. If the individual is unwilling to consider any part of re-earning your trust, you must look very closely at whether or not it is emotionally safe for you to continue in the relationship. Don't fall into the trap of feeling that you should forgive, to keep the peace, if the other person has not repented and re-earned your trust. Relationships that reconcile based on premature forgiveness tend to be fraught with incidents of mistrust and suppressed hostility.

One of the great gifts of Jewish tradition is that we are invited to take stock of our own behaviors and relationships on a yearly basis. Going through this process of self-evaluation not only improves our relationships but also helps us develop our integrity.

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