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October 1, 2004
Raising interfaith teenagers
Children will ask their parents why they made their religious
choices.
S. Courtney Nathan SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH BULLETIN
Ah, the glory of teenagers. Their bodies are changing right along
with their sunny dispositions. This is a fertile time for kids,
full of angst and intrigue and emotional roller-coaster rides. They
are developing their identities and challenging everything and everyone
as a means to getting the answers to the all-consuming question:
Who am I?
For parents, this can be an exhausting and trying time. Keeping
up with a teenager is tough and keeping your head on straight is
even tougher. The healthiest of parents will wonder what they did
to create such an evasive and defiant child and will pray for the
day their old, loving, peaceful child returns to them. But through
it all, try to remember that all this acting out and withdrawal
and secrecy is normal and healthy and part of the process of becoming
a young adult.
For children of intermarriage, religion is one more issue for them
to challenge and rebel against. The question of "Who am I religiously?"
fits right in there with "Who am I sexually," "Who
am I politically" and "Who am I relationship-wise?"
Children at this age will often ask why their parents made the religious
choices they made. They will expect a more comprehensive answer
than would have satisfied them as young children, and parents should
be honest.
For example, parents raising a Catholic child while the mother is
Jewish may say, "You are Catholic. We decided before you were
born that we wanted you to be Catholic and we have raised you as
Catholic. Because your mom is Jewish, you have Jewish family and
Jewish heritage and that will always be a part of you and who you
are even though it isn't what you are. We want you to explore that
part of yourself in whatever way you wish." Then ask what their
questions are and encourage open discussion about their feelings.
If children have not been given a solid sense of religious identity
up to this point, they may be angry with their parents for (among
other things) not having made that decision. They may resent that
they now have to choose for themselves. One child of intermarriage
who was raised with no faith expressed regret as an adult because
she never felt she fit in. When she was with her Jewish father,
she was Jewish. With her Baptist mother, she was Baptist. She celebrates
all holidays but truly connects with none.
If they were raised in the religion of one parent, they may wonder
why and may begin to question and explore the religion of the other
parent. In such cases, many parents feel rejected and worried, but
really, it is healthy and normal to explore religion in the process
of identity development.
For teenagers, life is all about friendships. They will want to
spend most of their time with their friends, and want to look and
act like them. For children raised in a minority religion, this
may be a period when being different in any way is difficult for
them. They may make great efforts towards being more like their
peers, even if it means rejecting all that they have known thus
far. Or they may revel in their difference. Every teen is unique.
Some teens may begin asking to attend services with friends or may
refuse to attend their religious school programs. Parents must remember
that their job is to be a parent and to set limits. Children will
test the limits and they need their parents to help them feel secure
while letting them explore and find their own answers.
The first tangible challenge for interfaith families with teenagers
is that of b'nai mitzvah. If the child has been raised in neither
or both religions, the question for b'nai mitzvah is one of "should
we?" Has your child been attending religious school? Does he
or she want to go through this process? What are each parent's feelings
about this? Do you belong to a synagogue? If yes, have you discussed
this with your rabbi? These are all important considerations.
If a child has been raised as a Jew, this decision may not be a
question of should we, but how should we. What will be the role
of the non-Jewish parent? How will the non-Jewish relatives be involved?
Discuss these issues together and with your rabbi to determine what
the rules of your synagogue are and how you should proceed. For
non-Jewish parents, strong feelings about this lifecycle event may
emerge. If the non-Jewish mother is not allowed to participate in
this important ceremony, she may feel hurt and rejected, particularly
if she has been active in the child's religious education. One interfaith
family whose Catholic father had been very involved in the temple
and in raising his Jewish children expressed great disappointment
and anger when he could not hold the Torah with the family during
the bar mitzvah.
This may also be a difficult time for non-Jewish grandparents who
may not understand the significance and meaning of the service.
They may feel left out and worry about where they fit in. Parents
should discuss the service with them so that they know what to expect
and be sure that they have a role to play.
In addition to identity exploration and lifecycle ceremonies, teens
face new issues about dating. Teenagers in general are beginning
to develop sexual feelings and interests and may begin having romantic
relationships and dating experiences. In addition to talking to
children about sexuality and relationships, this is also an important
time for parents to address issues of interfaith dating.
Parents should discuss together how they feel about their child
dating outside their faith. Interfaith couples often struggle with
whether or not to express their opinions about interdating since
obviously they did it themselves. One intermarried parent tells
how, when he told his teenage daughter that he would like her to
marry someone Jewish, she replied, "You didn't."
It is absolutely OK to let your children know your feelings about
interdating – even if those feelings resulted from your learning
through your own experience that interfaith relationships are challenging.
Sharing your feelings is not the same as putting up roadblocks,
which I do not advise. When parents are too stringent with rules,
kids may feel they have no choices and may then rebel.
Honesty and open lines of communication are the keys to successful
parent-child relationships during the teenage years.
S. Courtney Nathan is a clinical social worker specializing
in work with young adult women and interfaith families. She served
as co-ordinator of the outreach program for interfaith families
at Jewish Family Service of New Orleans from 1994 to 2004 and is
currently on an extended maternity leave with her two children.
Courtney is also the co-author of the book When a Parent is
Seriously Ill: Practical Tips for Helping Parents and Children.
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