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May 11, 2007

Are you trying to kill me?

There's a reason Jewish mothers are the way they are, says Gold.
KATHARINE HAMER EDITOR

Judy Gold went looking for other women's stories, and ended up with one even more powerful – her own. What began as an attempt by Gold and her writing partner, playwright Moira Kate Ryan, to gather the stories of women for the solo show – and book – 25 Questions for a Jewish Mother, also became a more personal narrative for Gold, including, as it does, the birth of her own children, the break-up of her long-term relationship and a previously hidden family tragedy. It was, she admitted in a recent phone interview with the Independent from her New York home, an emotional journey.

"Initially, we just set out to interview these women and see what those interviews brought up, because I was getting constantly ridiculed for portraying the stereotypes [of Jewish mothers]," she said. "I was trying to say, 'OK, well, I'm going to go out and find out if there really is a stereotype,' and I ended up learning about my mother and learning about these women, and trying to find my place in this world of Jewish motherhood, because it's a conflict, being gay and being Jewish, and I feel like I have this 'traditional home,' yet nothing I've done has been in a traditional manner.

"But I needed the structure. I didn't want to give up that part of me because that's really all of who I am, is being a Jew. It's what I eat [Gold keeps kosher], it's how I look, it's how I think, it's everything. So I didn't want to ever have to give that up and I wanted to find my place. I am a Jewish mother, where do I fit in here? I realized that these women all had their own stories, and they were fascinating."

One of the commonalities Gold noticed – aside from the fact there was food at every home she and Ryan went to – was just how much the women they interviewed opened up.

"When they really got to start talking, it was really incredible," she said. "There's part of the book where these husbands and kids were upstairs, leaning on the banister, listening, and one man said, 'You know, I've known these women for 40 years and tonight, I feel like I've met them for the first time.' And that was really telling. These women opened up so much because no one ever asked them this kind of stuff. They were really so identified as mothers. And you know, we never think of our parents as people. It's like their sole reason for living is for us. You remain thinking your parents are superheroes. And [you] find out that these are people with dreams and disappointments and regrets and just that they're flawed."

Gold, a stand-up comedian and former writer and producer for the Rosie O'Donnell Show, has long mined her own Jewish mother for material. Her mother has read the book and seen the show twice now.

"She loves it," said Gold, "she loved the attention." But there were still parts of the process that were difficult. "She said it's sad for her," Gold conceded. "I just think it's hard for a parent to see themselves through their child's eyes and how much influence and power they really have that the child never lets on."

Gold said the project, which asks women such questions as how they named their children, who they idolize, what they think of women rabbis and whether it's important for their children to marry Jewish, "absolutely" changed the nature of her relationship with her own mother.

"She has never been that emotional and she has, around this project, been very emotional and also I realized so much about her life and why she is who she is."

The question Gold and Ryan most often asked first was, what makes a Jewish mother different from a non-Jewish mother? It's not, said Gold, about loving your children more, or even about the guilt. "The one thing that they all had in common," she said, "was that they all spoke to their children every day. And that, I do think, is really a Jewish type of thing. When you think about how one tragedy affected my mother and then it's now been passed on to me and will be passed on to my kids ... think about all the times that Jews have been kicked out of countries and had to protect their children. There's this bond, I think that's where it comes from. You just don't know what's going to happen."

Which doesn't stop Gold's mother from issuing, at regular intervals, such gems as the following: "I don't want to interfere, but you want my advice? I'll give you my advice. Leave me out of it."

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