Expanding the options

BASYA LAYE

For young adults looking to establish themselves, cities serve up a cornucopia of opportunity. That same environment, however, can also make it increasingly likely that young Jews who take advantage of these diverse prospects will assimilate and/or intermarry.

As one response to this phenomenon, Chabad of Downtown recently established Young Adults, a group for Jews in their 20s, 30s and 40s that meets monthly at a private downtown residence. The hope is that this group will attract singles, those who are dating, as well as married couples, for learning and socializing and, for the unattached, a chance to maybe meet a Jewish mate.

“We didn’t attract that crowd [of young professionals] to our adult education programs,” said Chabad of Downtown’s Rabbi Binyomin Bitton of previous outreach efforts. “We felt that they were missing a proper program that will provide lectures, discussions, learning and that is the only way that a person can grow in Yiddishkeit.”

Bitton felt that there was a whole group of Jews who were not being reached by traditional community structures. “I would say the majority, 60 or 70 percent of the crowd, are young professionals who live here and work here. They are what they call – and I don’t like this term, the Rebbe [Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson] never liked this term – they are ‘unaffiliated’ ... because every Jew is truly affiliated. They might not show it, but a Jew is a Jew. The simple definition that he is a Jew means he’s affiliated…. Many of those Jews live here and we are here for them,” he said.

YA evolved from a short-lived group that catered exclusively to young Jewish singles, a format that didn’t seem to resonate with the target audience. Bitton listened to his constituents, who encouraged him to shift the focus from finding a mate to growing Jewishly.

“We decided we were going to start a [new] group. It wasn’t just my feeling; it was actually the ‘punchline’ – people came to me … and said, ‘We’ve got to do something. We gotta meet together. We want to learn, not just Chumash, we’ve got to learn topics that are relevant to us….’ We have been clear from the very beginning … that our mission is not to provide another forum for people to simply socialize between Jews and a match, and you meet and drink and have fun. That is something that we do, but there are lots of [other] things in the city; we also don’t want to compete with anyone…. Our point is our community, primarily downtown, caring about young people with that goal in mind. That was very clear.”

YA is open to young Jews at any level of Jewish observance and education who desire a unique and intimate environment. “I’ll tell you the truth,” Bitton said. “I don’t blame anyone who didn’t have a proper Jewish education, who doesn’t know and, therefore, does what he does. I would be the same. If you don’t know and if you think that everything is just tradition, well, who cares about tradition? The only way to actually come closer to Torah and closer to Hashem is by learning, by studying…. We thought that [with] this particular crowd, we’re missing the potential that we have. We can attract a crowd for parties and events like that, but you’re not going to sit at a party and I’ll sell you bananas, or you call for a party and then you learn Torah. No. If you call for a party, then it’s a party.”

The group’s members choose the themes for the evenings by voting and anyone can propose a topic for discussion. According to Bitton, while many young Jews will outwardly say that they know why they should marry Jewish, for example, in private they are more likely to express their uncertainties around these kinds of life decisions.

“You know, when I sent [an e-mail] as a group, no one answered,” Bitton said of choosing Why Marry Jewish? as a topic last month. “But when I said, ‘Feel free to e-mail me privately,’ all the replies came and, privately, they said, ‘Why marry Jewish?’ This is really what they wanted to hear. They felt like they didn’t want anyone to know that this is what they want, because, what do you mean? Obviously, why marry Jewish! But it bothers them.... They know they are Jewish, they want to marry Jewish, they just don’t understand why and how, and why it is so important.”

Another positive aspect of coming together to learn is the chance to meet like-minded friends or partners, he added. “You’re meeting someone who came not by accident … he came because he’s interested to know. This is telling you already something about the person.”

The YA atmosphere is informal and intimate. “It’s in a living room of a private home, it’s not intimidating, [with] a synagogue, the rabbi. Yes, the rabbi is going to talk, because we want to hear ... [but] people come in, they shmooze, they socialize, they sit down ... lights are dimmed – it’s between us.”

Bitton’s wife, Malky, joins the group for the monthly get-togethers. “It’s not ‘the rabbi,’ it’s us, it’s a team, and it’s more ... balebatish (respectable), it’s not formal,” he said, explaining, “As much as I [can] welcome girls and women, you see, there’s still a level of modesty that one has to keep and that one should keep. Therefore, it makes it much easier that Malky is there. She shmoozes, she hugs, but in the meantime, I welcome the boys as well. It makes it very relaxed. People are sitting, we have dessert. Last time, we had sushi; the next time, we’re going to have cocktails … perhaps people open up a little.”

The shift to welcoming anyone to the program took into account some of the other barriers to participation. “Singles, I realized in the end, sounds a little bit nebach (pitiable). What do you mean you’re single? How come? You must have a problem…. Here’s the interesting thing: people also don’t like to be married! They like to be in between. OK, no problem, you want to be in between, we’ll go along. In the meantime … everyone wants to be a young adult. And they come. Even couples come, and some of the topics are very relevant to [them] as well, sometimes even more than for singles. I was surprised, for Why Marry Jewish?, came a couple, they are married, they are Jewish, but I guess they wanted to know why was it so important for them so they can pass it on to their children or to their friends.”

Bitton draws from several sources for his teaching, but the main part is interactive. “That is another thing, people ask questions and you gotta be ready because the questions are gonna come. Intentionally, I don’t bring up everything because I don’t want the talk to be too long. On the contrary, I say things I know will induce questions – so, the meat and potatoes part, for me, is from the Rebbe’s teaching.

“What people don’t realize is that, number one, the Rebbe’s teachings are purely chassidut and kabbalah…. The Rebbe was also very practical, extremely knowledgeable about the human psyche. Both in the Rebbe’s writings and his letters, especially, there are insights, an unbelievable wealth of insights, on any aspect of Jewish life. This is primarily where I get my information. Then, it has to be packaged ... wrapped with stories and anecdotes and, perhaps, some humor. It has to be interesting. That’s from other Chabad shluchim (emissaries) from around the world who are more experienced than me, that have covered those sorts of issues [and] that I can get information from. Baruch Hashem (Thank G-d) we have a huge network. That helps a lot. I also have local [people like] Rabbi [Lipa] Dubrowsky, who I ask for insight and advice, and he’s much more experienced than I am and I value his opinions. And sometimes, when I’m not sure or I want more, I sit with him as well. And, my wife! I should say – the icing on the cake. I share with Malky, and she tells me what she thinks and she gives her advice. So far, it’s always been very, very helpful.”

For information about the next YA gathering and other upcoming events, visit chabadcitycentre.org.

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