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March 9, 2007
Make your first move
How to say "hello" on an Internet dating site.
BAILA LAZARUS
This is the sixth in a monthly series on Internet dating, as
well as general dating dos and don'ts.
By this point, having faithfully read all my columns, studied all
my tips and followed all my directions, you'll have chosen a perfect
Internet dating site, written an awesome profile and uploaded the
world's most attractive photograph. (If you haven't, please catch
up quickly at www.tastierdates.com,
or start ordering the appropriate back issues of the paper.)
This brings us to the moment of engagement, where you take the massive
leap from "looking around" to actually making contact.
Here we jump into two realms: the land of the free contact and the
lands of the not so free.
If you're on www.plentyoffish.com, all contact is free. You can
send an e-mail directly through the site or open up an "instant
chat" window. There are no "smiles" or "winks,"
because you can start chatting right away with the person whose
profile you're looking at. As with most sites, Plentyoffish has
search mechanisms that enable you to fill out the desired age, location,
interests, etc., of your potential match, which results in the site
generating pages of people's profiles.
To view the profile, simply click on the profile name. On Plentyoffish,
at the bottom of the profile will be a "Contact [profile name]
Now" button. Clicking on that will open up a new e-mail that
you can send right away. As well, also on Plentyoffish, if you click
on "My matches" at the top of the page, you will get an
array of thumbnails of the profiles that match your criteria and
whose criteria you match as well. Click on "IM user" under
a profile thumbnail and you'll open up an instant-chat window so
you can write to them in real time. Be aware, though, that not all
computers support this technology well, so it's always safer sending
an e-mail.
So that's all fine in a free site, but perhaps you prefer a site
like Lavalife that has a few more options and ad-free pages, or
JDate or SeniorFriendFinder, which specialize in a certain user
groups. These sites will charge you if you want to send an e-mail
or open up a chat window (if available).
Here's where we have to start looking at "smiles" or "winks."
These little icons will appear on people's profiles and, when you
click on them, you will get a chance to send a free message to the
other person that gives them an indication that you're interested
in them. You cannot type your own personal message here, but it's
enough to initiate contact.
Here's how it tends to work in the online dating game: If a woman
"winks" or sends a "smile" to a guy, if he's
interested, he's expected to buy time or credits to initiate contact
through on-site e-mail. If a man winks at a woman, she's expected
to wink back if she's interested and then he's expected to buy time
or credits, etc.
Yes, it's still unfair, but this is a general guideline. There's
nothing to stop a woman from buying credits or online time herself
in order to initiate contact with someone who smiles at her first.
On a site like Lavalife, sending an e-mail costs as little as $2.
The key thing to remember here is that if at any point you have
sent a smile to someone, and they initiate contact, then you owe
them the courtesy of responding to that contact, be it by on-site
e-mail or with an instant chat window, such as the one Lavalife
offers. They have gone to the trouble of buying time or credits,
so it's only proper etiquette.
The strategy of how and to whom you send out smiles (or in the case
of Plentyoffish e-mails) will be determined by how much time you
have or want to spend online following up on your contacts, and
how much time you realistically have to meet people. If you send
out 10 smiles on one weekend, you might get eight smiles or e-mails
back. Then what do you do?
Check back next column for the answer.
Baila Lazarus is an Internet dating coach. Visit www.tastierdates.com
for more information.
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