News in brief

Mysterious syndrome

The Canadian Medical Association (CMA) is reporting a proliferation of older Jewish women and their unmarried daughters visiting emergency rooms throughout major metropolitan centres in the hopes of meeting young Jewish doctors.

"This is a bizarre twist on Munchausen by proxy – the disease where parents deliberately make their children sick to gain attention. We are calling this new syndrome, Menschausen's," said I.M. Goodlookin, unmarried president of the CMA.

"We urge single Jewish women and their meddling mothers to go to JIsinglesBC.com before attending the ER."

In a related story, the CMA is also reporting a spike in the number of young, Jewish women applying to get into medical schools around the country. One such candidate, Tiffany Golddigger, said, "Where better to meet a nice Jewish doctor?"

Speedy seniors

In an effort to improve conjugal relations, staff at Louis Brier have organized speed-dating sessions at the home on Saturdays following Havdalah.

Each participant gets seven minutes to establish whether the "date" sitting opposite them might be suitable. Those with hearing aids are given an extra 30 seconds to allow for delay.

At the end of the night, daters write down who they'd like to see again – and have staff set up a romantic dinner in the cafeteria, even adding little blue pills to the couple's evening medication.

As one of the few eligible men in the rotation, Harvey Nickelbaum, has been getting so much attention that he's now been dubbed an "elite" speed-dater. Eighty per cent of the ladies polled wanted a private moment with Nickelbaum. He's seeing so much action he even hired a pit crew to replace the wheels on his walker!

Burlesque at Burquest

Seniors lunches at the Burquest Jewish Community Centre in Coquitlam aren't just about egg sandwiches anymore!

The centre is cashing in on a new fitness trend by offering burlesque classes to its guests.

"Obviously, we have to accommodate our seniors' limitations," said burlesque instructor Hedy Gabor. "The pasties and fishnets that burlesque dancers normally wear are of course optional for our group – and we only expect them to be able to kick a few inches off the ground."

That hasn't stopped participants from showing off a wide range of showgirl fashions, including feather boas in a rainbow of colors.

"Of course," said class member Esther Green, "the tricky part is not to get your feathers in the egg salad."

Simchah scheduled?

It seems that there may be more to Stephen Harper's stalwart support for Israel this past year. Harper, who is known for his paunchy tummy, has been seen sneaking out of the Prime Minister's Office Friday afternoons to pick up challahs at Ottawa's own Bagelshop Deli on Wellington Street. Rumors persist that a family simchah is in the offing.

In a related story, Rabbi Philip Bregman of Temple Sholom was seen jetting off to Ottawa a couple of times last year. Could he be tutoring our Mr. Harper with his bar mitzvah maftir?

Passover on show

Following the success of Community Kollel's December campaign to have local stores place menorot in their front windows alongside Christmas trees, rival shul Community M'zuyaf has come up with an idea to help Jews and non-Jews alike recognize Passover.

Rabbi Shlomo Megillah will dispatch notable young members of the community to place a diorama depicting the Jewish people's flight from Egypt in a visible location in each store.

"We have already ordered 52 little plastic Moshes [for the dioramas] and I have some children working on a PlayDough model of the Red Sea," said Megillah. "The hardest part has been collecting all of the items for the plagues. Every time I open the trunk of my car, the frogs and the locusts leap out."

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