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March 2, 2007
Desperate Rebbetzins
Mysteries on Meshugana Lane get tongues wagging.
ALMA N'SHEVITZ
When lashon hara (the evil tongue, otherwise known as gossip)
makes its way around Meshugana Lane, all the neighbors platz. Such
gossip! Who stuck Rebbetzin Maya-Aliza Youngman's body in a smelly
old trunk? At least they could have used a real wooden box, with
a nice lining – something in a damask? And I hope they washed
the body, such a nice lady. And who killed Rebbetzin Monica Poulyakov
with a wrench?
Well, we all know Rebbetzin Shoshana used to be in love with the
plumber Micha. (Oy! A Shonda! All that shmutz.) Could he be the
one who's guilty? And Rebbetzin Brit's husband, Rabbi Vanderveen,
was once a dentist. With Monica's teeth missing, fingers are wagging
in the direction of the pulpit.
Maybe Rebbetzin Leah killed out of madness. Her three sets of twins
and two sets of triplets were driving her crazy and, on top of that,
her husband, Rabbi Skavolchik, wanted to open up a pizza parlor
to hold Sunday afternoon kabbalah discussion groups. When Silverstein's
Party Rentals sent the wrong chairs, Leah had to raid the synagogue
kiddish room for a few extra, and sneak them out. Some say she was
caught red-handed when she ran into Maya-Aliza in the parking lot,
bringing last year's fashions for the coat drive. Such a generous
woman that Maya-Aliza. (Though everyone knew her donations weren't
designer.)
And we all know that Gabbie's eyeing the gabay. The synagogue treasurer
might be sneaking out a few shekels from the Yom Kippur drive in
order to satisfy Gabbie's penchant for foxy furs and fake Fendis.
If the poor victims knew about it, he could have done away with
them between minchah and ma'ariv. Maybe Gabbie's husband, Rabbi
Solisberg, knew about Gabbie and the gabay and killed Maya-Aliza
as a warning to Gabbie, thinking she was Gabbie's friend. (What
Rabbi Solisberg didn't know, however, was that the two rebbetzins
weren't really close ... because of the non-designer clothes, you
know.)
Then there's Edith Brit-Milah – what a kop on that real estate
lady. Who knew you could make a living selling the same three houses
on one street over and over again? And could her clothes be any
tighter? A few laps in the JCC pool could do her buttons some good.
She also had a thing for plumber Micha, though we all know she's
just in it for the free service. Tradesmen are so expensive these
days. And they don't even need a university degree. Their mothers
must be having knipshins.
And finally, we can't forget about Zacharia Youngman, Maya-Aliza's
weirded out man-boy son who's flush with an inheritance from Zayde.
He's got his poor heart set on wooing Gabbie. Well, he's got the
money, got in himmel. Maybe he finally cracked for good and took
care of his mother and Monica, too.
Yes, we all know that lashon hara can take a toll on a quiet street.
Especially where the rebbetzins' versions of shalom bayit hide secrets
they don't even tell their best friends. And especially where the
fences aren't nearly high enough to make good neighbors.
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