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March 31, 2006
A plague on her home life
Domestic violence is an underexposed issue in the community.
VERONIKA STEWART
Domestic violence casts a pall upon the homes of women everywhere.
No community goes unscathed. But unfortunately, there are communities
where it is less acceptable to talk about it, according to Sara
Ciacci, executive director of the British Columbia chapter of Jewish
Women International (JWI).
"It's 'common knowledge' that Jewish men do not drink, they
do not beat their wives, and it's not true. The percentages [of
battered women] are the same in every culture," she said.
Ciacci said because of the preconceived image of an average Jewish
male and because often a family situation may look fine on the outside,
women have difficulties coming forward.
"When a [Jewish] woman goes back to her family and she's beautifully
provided for and she says she's being abused and she wants to leave,
there's this paragon of virtue: 'What's the matter with you?' or
'You're doing something wrong.' Rabbis may say, 'Go home and bake
a cake, say something nice, don't argue with him. Make peace in
the house.' "
Ciacci does not blame the rabbis, however, and said it is up to
the women to come forward.
"It's like an alcoholic – they have to be ready to do
something on their own," Ciacci said. "You can't do it
for them, but they have to know that the community recognizes it's
not their fault and that there's help available."
Rabbi Shmuel Birnham of Congregation Har El said he hopes the misconception
that Jewish men do not abuse their wives is no longer there, and
said if abuse is happening, the abused should speak up.
"In this day and age, I'm hoping most people know that if abuse
is happening, they have to get out of the situation," Birnham
said. "If I saw a woman with black eye, I would be doing something
about it."
He noted, though, that "there are rabbis who are approachable
and there are rabbis who aren't approachable."
A victim of domestic violence herself, Ciacci said the problem is
often denied as an issue in the community because the women who
suffer the abuse are too shy to come forward, or make excuses for
their injuries.
"A lot of them are embarrassed. They don't go to a Jewish shelter.
They don't leave because they don't think they can keep their Judaism,"
Ciacci said.
Throughout her interview with the Independent, Ciacci recounted
countless examples of women in the community who have suffered domestic
abuse; those who have been too afraid or embarrassed to leave their
husbands, and those who have died trying.
"We got into this because one of the top women in B'nai B'rith
had given her husband a separation order, and he watched her when
she went into the parking lot and killed her," Ciacci recollected.
Domestic abuse is defined as a pattern of coercive behavior used
by one partner to control the other. Ciacci said that just because
there are no physical marks or scarring, does not mean there is
no abuse in a relationship.
"It can be sexual, financial, psychological and physical,"
said Ciacci. "It's more than just a black eye."
To provide shelter for those women who do manage to leave abusive
relationships, JWI founded a branch of Asteh House here in Vancouver:
a residence, located in a regular apartment building, meant to support
one woman and her two children. The residence is currently unoccupied.
A previous resident of Asteh House, who asked that her identity
be withheld, said she was a recipient of both verbal and physical
abuse. She said it took years for her to decide to leave, but when
she did, she did so in "one fell swoop."
"I had low self-esteem and this person needed to control someone,"
she said in a phone conversation with the Independent. "It
was a match made in heaven, or hell, whatever you want to call it."
After a stint at the Vancouver Rape Relief Centre for Abused Women,
she said she was directed to Asteh House by an aquaintance. She
said one of her biggest fears was that the community would find
out about her situation.
"I was too embarassed to call anyone in the Jewish community.
No one knew. Not any families, not anybody," she said. "We
can be so kind, but we can be so mean. People take sides.... I never
talked about the abuse, never. That a Jewish woman should leave
her home, her family.... I felt like I had done something wrong,
that I should be ashamed of myself."
She said Asteh House was the first stop on the long journey she
has ahead of her to recover from years of abuse.
"I've gone on a journey and it's been an educational journey,
but I don't know what I would have done without Asteh House,"
she said. "Even now I get teary-eyed just thinking about it."
Rebbetzin Michal Mivasair screens candidates looking to get into
Asteh House. She has worked on domestic violence in the community
since 1985 and said although her congregation, Ahavat Olam, speaks
openly on the topic of domestic violence, there are other communities
where the problem is kept hush-hush.
"I don't think the rabbis here are like this, but there are
rabbis around the world [where] the value of keeping peace at home
means women should put up with abuse," Mivasair said. "It's
an embarrassment in some communities to leave your husband and be
a single parent."
Mivasair said the home is under-used because people don't know of
its existence.
"I believe the demand is more," Mivasair said. "But
I don't think it's a residence that any of the rabbis are really
pushing."
Like Ciacci, however, Mivisair does not blame local rabbis for the
inability of abused women to come forward.
"I really believe that all the rabbis here would do anything
to help," said Mivasair. "But it's very hard for people
even to go to see a therapist, let alone a rabbi, because they're
ashamed. They're feeling responsible for the hell they're living
in."
Asteh House is kosher and is anonymous and autonomous from the rest
of the Jewish community. The house is run in co-ordination with
the Jewish Family Service Agency and counsellors from the agency
provide support to residents.
Ciacci said because there is little acknowledgment of wrong-doing
when women are abused, the cycle of abuse is enabled to continue.
"A girl who sees her mother beat her father, and she still
loves her father, is more likely to condone it in a husband,"
Ciacci explained. "And a boy who sees a father beating his
mother is more likely to beat. They've got anger inside of them."
To provide more information to youth in grades 8 through 12, JWI
is holding a seminar on the issue of domestic violence at Temple
Sholom. Entitled Building Healthy Relationships, the seminar will
be held from 6:30-8:45 p.m. on Monday, April 3. For information
or to RSVP for the event, call Lisa at 604-266-7190 or e-mail [email protected].
JWI also provides pamphlets with information on abuse, recently
translated into a variety of languages, including Hebrew and Russian.
The pamphlets are distributed in doctor's offices, hospitals and
many specialized clinics (X-ray, dental). For more information,
call 604-838-5567.
Veronika Stewart is a student intern at the Independent.
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