Apocalypse later

Spoof Editorial

We are outraged. In the spirit of self-righteous indignation, we cannot help but express a sense of complete and utter outlandish sputtering contempt at the latest affront to our ideals and our community. This sort of grotesquerie cannot be permitted to pass unchallenged as we would be remiss if we did not express our complete revulsion at this scandalous breach. You know what we're talking about and you are as much to blame as we are. Our community is facing a turning point. We can continue on the path we are on or we can turn off and take an alternative path. You know as well as we do which we have to choose.

On another front, as the news continues to deteriorate, we cannot ignore the reality that the end is nigh. Global warming, tsunamis, earthquakes, mudslides, flooding, drought, pestilence, fowl-borne diseases, inevitable pandemics, a unified Conservative party, all these things point to the coming of the beginning of the end.

It has never been popular to be the bearer of bad news, but we have never shied away from this crucial role. The Indiscriminate Jew, while dedicated to bringing you the foremost in actual news, prides itself on also offering a complete range of prophetic predictions, including the wildest of apocalyptic end-times scenarios. Reviewing the many predictions made in the editorial pages of this paper over the past several decades, it's impossible to avoid noting that numerous have come true.

It was here that readers first learned of the emergence of a third variety of hamantashen – the mouthwatering jalapeno-cream cheese – to go with the traditional prune and poppyseed. And while that craze was somewhat short-lived, you also on these pages first heard of the creation of the new phenomenon of extreme davening. Millennia of tradition have their place, but we drew attention to the small group of extreme Jews who have taken up davening on sheer rock faces, while plunging out of airplanes or skiing down untouched remote mountains. As you recall, this trend had its drawbacks – getting an entire minyan strapped into one parachute proved unwieldy – but you read it here first. Then there was Speed Mating, an innovative plan to increase the Jewish community's population while also having fun.

So when we say the end is nearing, you can rest assured it may well be. End-times scenarios have been popular in various stages of Jewish history and, while none has yet come true, it's clearly never too late to speculate. The increasing tempo and severity of cataclysmic events is clear evidence that we are spiralling toward finality. Hurricanes are pounding coastlines and tornadoes are tearing up the interior, earthquakes are shattering foundations and floods are carrying away hope.

Network newscasts depict the trauma twice, sometimes three times a day. All-news broadcasters are so thorough at covering the impending end-times that it's hard to know sometimes whether you're seeing loop tapes of the last hurricane season or the advent of the next one. Is that earthquake the same one we sent money for, or is it another one deserving of a new appeal for funds? CTV Newsnet and CNN Headline News run the apocalypse every 15 minutes, 24 hours a day, to ensure the most comprehensive coverage of the heinous natural disasters, no matter how large or small. Newspapers, the web, blogs and more free local handout magazines than any civilization has ever previously produced mean the coverage of this final apocalypse will be more complete than any previous end-times.

Is the tempo and severity of cataclysmic events actually the same as it ever was, but reported more incessantly? Maybe it's just the TV. Never mind. As you were. Continue as before.

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