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March 10, 2006
Making a really big splash
How to get your own story published in the Indiscriminate Jew.
A HIGHLY TRAINED PROFESSIONAL
You know, here at the Indiscriminate Jew, we receive dozens
of calls a day from people who want to get their story on the front
page. It's not that hard to get your friends, family and pets talked
up in bold letters! Here are a few points to remember:
1. It has to be big news. Some examples of big news stories:
children's birthday parties, the annual general meetings of book
clubs, knitting competitions and, not forgetting, big winners at
bingo. It is important to include as many details as possible. People
reading about your son's fourth birthday party really want to know:
what was in the loot bag? Who won pass the parcel? And who threw
up after too much cake? Try to keep it factual, but if you don't
have all the facts, just be creative. Also, you should make your
story as long as possible. We prefer at least 5,000 words.
2. Please make it is hard as possible for us to contact you
for extra information about a story. We like a challenge! And here
at the Indiscriminate Jew, your deadlines are our deadlines
– no need to feel pressure about getting stories in on time.
We'll just wait for you!
3. It really increases your chances of getting published
if you can send photos. We recommend sending us a wide selection
of images, especially if they are all of the same thing. We have
the latest technology here, so don't worry if your pictures are
out of focus, too dark or poorly composed. And don't bother including
a caption or names of the people in the photos – we have a
lot of fun making those things up! If you don't have photos to send,
just send a smiley face or stick figure.
4. The best way to get information to us is by pony (e-mail
will do in a pinch). You should tell the Pony Express people that
you want the 14-day service. We are happy to move our deadline to
accommodate your story. Also, we prefer if you handwrite your story
– particularly if you have poor penmanship. We employ three
people specifically to decipher these things.
5. Don't call the editor! The best person to call is the
sales manager to get your story heard. A surefire way to guarantee
you have a front page story is to buy a full-page ad. Many of the
stories we run are based solely on budget of the advertiser. Please
note that if the sales manager is not available you can try our
janitor, who will offer a major spread in return for Canadian Tire
dollars.
6. If you want an announcement in the Community Calendar
or Short Takes, no need to let us know. Rest assured that our editor
is a renowned psychic and will know about your event well in advance
– maybe even before you – using patented ESP techniques.
7. If you want to send a write-up of an event, don't do it
any earlier than a year and a half after the event. It will be a
wonderful reminder, just as the joy of the event itself is beginning
to fade.
Please keep in mind that we do our best to satisfy community members
and agencies. We have unlimited space every week to meet your needs.
But remember, only TWO stories can be on the front page (two on
the back page if they're in Hebrew). If you follow our advice and
call us often, you'll be sure to get exactly what you want.
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