News you didn't know

SOL ICITUDE

Plans are under way for a museum of Jewish history in British Columbia. Expected to open later this year, the museum will be located in the Jewish Community Centre of Greater Vancouver.

Most proudly, we are thrilled to announce our participation in the museum with the Jewish Western Bulletin Gallery of Vaguely Recollected Events from History. This dramatic permanent exhibit will illustrate a range of important and notable events you sort of recall seeing something about in the Bulletin over the years, but didn't actually read the full story.

As regular readers of the Bulletin know, we publish only substantiated rumors. So we have not been able to confirm other aspects of this important news story. However, we have been able to ascertain certain alleged possibilities that might maybe possibly be included in developing plans for potential exhibits to be contained in the anticipated museum.

Among the exhibits alleged to be under consideration is a gallery dedicated to the array of efforts employed by local synagogues over the years to increase attendance outside of the High Holy Days. Among the artifacts believed to be part of this planned exhibit are the niggunim-and-nosh initiative of 1994, the rabbi's raffle for free marital counselling of 1977 and the notorious pay-for-pray program, which failed in the 1960s to raise participation rates, despite the offer of chocolate gelt to anyone attending shul more than once weekly.

The museum is expected to include the Alex Kliner Repository for Superannuated Puns and Genealogical References. This exhibit will include items that are solely on loan from the esteemed Vancouver writer, because he continues to employ many of these otherwise antiquated terms and idioms.
A CJA campaign exhibit is expected to include a hands-on demonstration teaching potential volunteers to obtain blood from stones.

A monument to speed dating is expected to be included as well, with space allocated for future exhibits dedicated to speed procreating, speed child-rearing and speed empty-nesting.

Another section of the museum we have been led to expect is the Nabisco Hall of Bran. Why an exhibit dedicated to bran in a Jewish museum? Can't hurt.
Other exhibits said to be under consideration include an overview of synagogue interior design through the ages, titled Wailing Wallpaper, and a 3D theatre presentation titled 40 Years in the Wilderness: The Jews of Suburban Vancouver.

Food options in the new museum will likely include the Frozen Chosen ice-cream stand, the fast-food chain You Think You Falafal Now and the soup kiosk Time to Undo your Borsht Belt.

The museum's gift shop is expected to carry such lines as the Gold-O-My-Ear jewelry collection as well as T-shirts with such traditional Jewish slogans as "My ancestors walked through the Reed Sea and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

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