Thursday, Every Week

8:58 a.m. – Phone rang and rang. Must have been important. Obviously didn't know office doesn't open till 9.

9:07 – Mrs. Goldberg called. Loved article on granddaughter. Why not on front page?

9:46 – Rabbi Silver called. Liked the profile we did on him, but says he was misquoted. Enjoys "the park and being fit" not "pork and bean fix."

10:04 – Mr. F called (again!) Story idea: Israeli stamp collection. Has others. Please call!

10:34 – Mrs. Jacobs called. Angry that Rosen baby's birth announcement came ahead of her baby's birth announcement. Her baby born first, comes first alphabetically. Asked how we decide who goes first. Told her "cuteness."

11:15 – Dog ate Lisa R's newspaper this week. Sent new copy. Included name of Jewish vet.

11:17 –"Gert" called. The writing in this issue was crap and there wasn't enough of it.

11:23 – F.L. called ... Paper arrived late, wet, slanted, aggravating and full of bad news. Renewed subscription.

11:49 – Mrs. Friedman just read the paper. If she wanted gay weddings she'd read the NY Times. What next ... lobster recipes?!

Noon – LUNCH! How long was that hummus in the fridge? Thought it was guacamole. Good, though.

1:10 p.m. – Back from lunch. Collected messages.

Voicemail: Unidentified caller. Who wrote the editorial? "Must be an idiot."

Voicemail: Typo in Singer personal ad. Should have read "dedicated to the immortal." Must have left out a "T."

Voicemail: Unidentified. Unintelligible. Sounded angry, tired.

1:16 – Dr. Kramer's office called. Enjoyed story on the cat that meows "gut Shabbes." Time for a check-up. Says hummus can go bad after a long time in fridge.

1:18 – Drycleaner called. Suit's ready. Disliked story on Israeli advances in wash-'n'-wear technology.

1:56 – Evelyn called. Going to be late.

2:07 – Louis D. says we're abetting the enemies of Israel. Re-subscribed.

2:09 – Mrs. Glass called. Says we're the duped lapdogs of imperialist Zionist ideology. Re-subscribed.

2:43 – Hiking club called. Notice should have said "bring backpack" not "bring backbacon." Blamed spell-check.

3:21 – G. Steiner called. Too many stories about other people's kids. Not enough about his.

3:30 – Hummus not sitting well. Had some lox to settle stomach. Any idea whose it was?

3:42 – Pres of Kabbalist Association called. If you take the numeric equivalents of the first letter of each paragraph in this week's cover story, forms obscenity. Who writes this smut?

4:12 – Mel Gibson called. Assures us film not anti-Semitic. Asked us to pass it on.

4:32 – Mrs. Segal called. What time does Shabbat start? Told her it's Thursday. Invited me for dinner.

4:49 – Baila called from Bangkok. First time heard from her in months. Tells me to let office know that she forgot to throw out lox in the fridge before leaving.

5:01 – Phone rang and rang. Probably important.

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