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March 5, 2004
Things happen; Israel blamed
We know nothing about realilty TV, says spokesman in response
to UN.
LOTTA ALLEGATIONS MAINSTREAM MEDIA
Israel is responsible for the clean sweep of Sunday's Academy Awards
by The Lord of the Rings, says a long-time observer of movies.
"Nothing is that coincidental," said Wanda Argue, who
watched the live awards ceremony for secret hidden messages and
saw the historic sweep of 11 categories by the New Zealand fantasy
film as proof of Israeli intervention.
An Israeli government spokesperson denied that his country had any
influence over the awards outcome.
"I don't think we did that," said Max Denial. "I'll
double-check."
At the Oscars Sunday night, much talk was also devoted to Israel's
habit of prematurely blurting out the endings in mystery movies,
something movie-goers attribute to Israel's desire to ruin everyone
else's fun.
Meanwhile, accusations continue to swirl that Israel holds the secret
to how Cadbury gets the soft, creamy caramel into the Caramilk bar,
something Denial also denied, but with more certainty.
At the United Nations last week, Israel was accused of initiating
a deliberate attempt to increase the number of "reality television"
programs on American television and being directly responsible for
an increase in North American obesity. Denial said the accusations
are not completely true.
Israel is also said to be responsible for Surrey becoming the auto-theft
capital of the English-speaking world, which Denial said seems unlikely.
Traffic backups at Main and Terminal were also blamed on Israel,
which is seen by many Canadians as not doing enough to reduce traffic
congestion in some of Vancouver's major intersections.
The Jewish state is also being accused of failing to respond quickly
enough to British Columbia's leaky condo crisis.
"What has Israel done to help the thousands of British Columbians
who have seen their life savings evaporate like a pool of water
from poorly constructed suites?" asked Harry Deal, a leaky
condo owner. "If you're not part of the solution, you're part
of the problem and Israel needs to be held accountable."
Israeli policies are also being blamed for crabgrass in suburban
Vancouver lawns, bruises on apples and seeds in grapes, according
to local gardeners.
"For 5,000 years, Jews have been cultivating grapes,"
said Ruby Cabernet, an amateur vintner in Coquitlam. "Why do
we still have to put up with seeds? Why has Israel refused to acknowledge
this is a problem?"
On the homefront, Israel has been accused of leaving the toilet
seat up, causing streaks on fine crystal and inciting cats to scratch
furniture.
"The Zionists are by far the world's worst offender in these
and every other category of evil," said Anita Scapegoat, president
of the Coalition for Peace, Justice and Equality (for Some).
And, though such accusations are difficult to confirm or refute,
Israel is widely believed to be responsible for thousands of telephone
calls where the person just hangs up.
"If you ask me, it has to be Israel," said Emery Bored,
a Burnaby manicurist. "Who else would call me and just hang
up?"
Denial insists Israel is probably not guilty of some of these accusations,
but promised to review the matters raised and apologize if he is
incorrect. He refuted allegations that Israeli intervention resulted
in the syndication of the teen drama series Dawson's Creek
but said he was unaware of any involvement his government may have
had in putting Hockey Night in Canada on a seven-second delay.
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