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June 8, 2007
Taking a closer look
E-mails up front save headaches down the road.
BAILA LAZARUS
This is the eighth in a monthly series on Internet dating, as
well as general dating dos and don'ts.
We're now at one of the most crucial transitions in the Internet
dating game – how to move from the "I'm kind of interested
in some of the people who've responded" stage to deciding whether
you actually want to meet for a date.
In order to figure this out, the next step is getting to know your
prospective date a bit better through e-mail, MSN Messenger or the
telephone. This is not only to see how well your goals and personalities
mesh, but also to establish a feeling of comfort and safety. And
it makes more sense to find out, in the comfort of your home, that
Mr. Wonderful's idea of a "cozy getaway" is snow camping
at -20 degrees Celsius, or that Ms. Right's favorite sport is shopping,
rather than uncover deal-breakers after you've schlepped out to
a date, even if it is only for a half-hour coffee.
It's important to know that not everyone is going to agree on what's
an appropriate amount of time to spend "breaking the ice."
For some, who maintain that face-to-face interaction is the most
important test of compatibility, the e-mail or phone call become
merely a means to set up a date, and they may be reluctant or awkward
engaging in small talk on the phone.
Others might actually drag on e-mail conversations for weeks, wanting
to find out everything they can, to the point of being rather irritating,
or they might just be timid about meeting in person.
Women, especially, might not want to talk on the phone, because
they don't want to give out a phone number or even dial their date,
who might have Caller ID. In that circumstance, chatting through
e-mail, using an anonymous Hotmail account, easily solves the problem.
Keep in mind, also, that the conversations before meeting are usually
longer the more serious people are about finding a committed relationship.
If two people are just interested in meeting because they're looking
for people to go hiking with, the prospective dates are more like
prospective activity partners. So who cares if he keeps a 12-foot
boa constrictor as a pet or if she has stuffed versions of all her
pets since she was six? You can laugh about it and still go for
that hike the next day. But it's not so funny if you are looking
for your soulmate.
In terms of how much personal information to give before you meet,
this is certainly dependent on your level of comfort, but there
really isn't a need to divulge a last name, where you live or where
you work. This can all be taken care of in person.
What's more key is determining the following about a prospective
date:
• Do they share the same goal in meeting? If you're looking
for a committed relationship and they're just out of a marriage,
they may not be ready for what you want.
• How authentic are they being about their physical appearance?
If a person has several photos up on their profile, chances are
they have not used any "fake" images (eg. taken from a
magazine) but they may not be up-to-date. Be direct about this and
ask how old the images are.
• How shady are they about what they do for a living? While
people shouldn't be expected to hand over personal employment information,
if they keep skirting around the issue of what they do for work,
consider that this probably won't be any different in person.
• Ask about where they socialize and if they belong to any
clubs/groups in town. This serves the dual purpose of seeing if
you share any common interests, as well as establishing more trustworthiness.
Ultimately, it's impossible to tell how truthful someone is being
on the web, but generating a fair amount of conversation before
meeting can at least let you know who's got snakes in their basement.
Baila Lazarus is an Internet dating coach. Visit www.tastierdates.com
for more information. Sign up for online dating at jisinglesbc.com.
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