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June 17, 2005
Facing the mixed mishpachah
'Intercultural' families often feel unwelcome trying to join in
Jewish life.
PAT JOHNSON
Families in which a Jewish partner is paired with a non-Jewish
partner are pounding at the doors of the Jewish community, begging
to be welcomed in, but are rejected at every turn.
That was one of a range of opinions expressed at a Philosophers'
Café last week at the Peretz Centre for Secular Jewish Culture.
The event, the first in a series of cafés put on by the secular
organization, dealt with the topic The Role of the Intercultural
Family in the Jewish Community. Prof. Richard Rosenberg, president
of Peretz and a specialist in privacy, free speech and intellectual
property, led the discussion.
Rosenberg launched the evening by raising a perennial challenge
- defining the terms of Jewish identity. As he and other participants
attested throughout the June 9 meeting, many people connect with
the Jewish community through religious affiliation. Level of Jewish
identity is often measured by membership in a synagogue, said Rosenberg.
This presents obvious problems for many members of Peretz and others
who consider themselves culturally Jewish, but who are not religious.
The Peretz Centre is often the frontline in hearing such stories,
said Rosenberg, especially from people who are part of mixed Jewish-non-Jewish
families. Some people do not feel comfortable in religious settings
and choose programs such as the Peretz b'nai mitzvah program, which
prepares young people for their 13th year rite of passage by emphasizing
cultural and traditional aspects of Judaism, without the religion.
But others, many audience members attested, would like to be involved
in synagogues but feel unwelcome.
Most synagogues will only marry two Jews, which prevents intermarried
couples from feeling fully involved in the life of the shul, said
several participants. The assumption that a non-Jewish person should
convert to Judaism upon marriage does not recognize the diversity
of intermarried families, several people said.
"The non-Jewish person also has a cultural background,"
said one woman.
A religiously observant man in the audience said that even in synagogues
where mixed families are officially welcomed, the reality can be
different.
"They want to be part of those religious communities,"
he said. "Lip-service is paid, but the actuality is painful."
A non-Jewish woman who is married to a Jewish man said she resents
receiving fund-raising material that is implicitly or explicitly
critical of her family by raising the spectre of intermarriage as
one of the gravest threats to Jewish culture and survival.
"They actually asked me to give money to support an organization
that doesn't want people like me to marry people like my husband,"
she said.
Another speaker characterized the Jewish community's response to
mixed families as "losing children to this scourge," but
said Judaism would have less to fear if it openly accepted spouses
and children of mixed families. If these families - which are rapidly
becoming typical - were welcomed into Jewish life, he said, the
Jewish community would be growing rapidly.
Others in the group of about 20 spoke of a range of issues that
alienate them from what is generally considered the "mainstream"
Jewish community. One complained that diversity of expression is
not welcomed, citing as an example the difficulty of finding a Jewish
space to hold a meeting with speakers critical of the state of Israel.
"Being Jewish isn't good enough," said one speaker, "You
have to be a particular kind of Jew."
Rosenberg said there is a prevailing view in much of the Jewish
community that survival of the people demands monolithic agreement
on issues like the conflict in the Middle East.
The meeting spoke about the concern over Jewish identity and what
might happen if the stigma of mixed families were lifted. The consensus
in the room was that Jewishness would be strengthened, not weakened,
by the influx of mixed families who feel welcomed by synagogues
and other institutions of the Jewish community.
Though the mood of the meeting generally suggested the Jewish community
was alienating many potential strong adherents by demanding a uniformity
of views and observance, some spoke of small steps toward progress.
The Jewish Western Bulletin, one speaker correctly noted,
used to reject engagement, wedding or birth announcements from mixed
families. This is no longer the case.
Another speaker suggested that division created by religious affiliation
overlooks the transcendent values inherent in all faiths.
"One way or another, they all say the same thing," said
the speaker. Another posited that nobody should be turned away if
they want to participate in Jewish life."
Said one speaker: "If somebody is crazy enough to identify
as a Jew, who are we to reject them?"
The Peretz Centre's Philosophers' Café series is expected
to continue in autumn.
Pat Johnson is a B.C. journalist and commentator.
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