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July 20, 2007
Time to set up a date
Keep comfort, security at the top of the agenda.
BAILA LAZARUS
This is the ninth in a monthly series on Internet dating, as
well as general dating dos and don'ts.
By far the most common questions I get asked about Internet dating
have to do with where to go and how to make sure you'll be safe
on a date.
It's true that if you've met a potential date at a dinner party
given by a friend, security issues wouldn't be first and foremost
in your mind, but predicting how someone will act on a date or afterwards
always has a measure of uncertainty. As I covered in the last column,
there are ways to deal with concerns of safety, first by getting
to know the person as much as possible through e-mail and on the
phone. The real test, however, will be sitting face-to-face, and
there are several ways to feel comfortable in that situation. By
"comfort," I'm not just talking about safety, but creating
a date that will allow you to enjoy yourself even if you don't "click."
Without a doubt, the most common and probably most successful first-date
experience comes by meeting over a casual cup of coffee. Choosing
a public spot ensures a level of security, and a date over coffee
can be kept to a reasonable 45 minutes, which is plenty of time
to decide if you want to see each other again.
Going to a movie offers an immediate common topic for discussion
afterwards but presents several challenges: many people will feel
odd trying to carry on a conversation standing in line, rather than
sitting opposite one another; if you determine before the movie
that there is absolutely no chemistry, you are stuck for two hours
on a date that is going nowhere; and if your movie partner happens
to have bathed in Old Spice prior to arriving, the experience can
cause you to heave your popcorn. Even if everything goes well, if
the date doesn't lead anywhere, there is a stronger feeling of "I've
wasted three hours of my life." Unless, of course, it was a
movie you were dying to see anyway.
The evening date over a glass of wine can be very successful as
well, but it takes the relationship immediately into a more romantic
zone, which may be inappropriate for many people on a first date.
And it means you will be leaving when it's dark, which is a higher
security risk.
Other options include meeting on a Sunday afternoon at a park or
the beach for an ice cream, going to an art exhibit or outdoor concert,
or meeting at a sports bar to watch a game in which you're both
interested. I even met a first date once at the Body Worlds exhibit
at Science World. The advantage of all of these locations is that
they can be visited in the daytime and they combine a common interest
with the option of a way out if things are really not working.
Once a location is established, here are a few security basics:
• Don't give out personal information such as your address,
or even what street you live on.
• Always go to the location by yourself. Don't let someone
pick you up.
• If you can, drive to the location, even if it's close to
you, so you can't be followed home.
• If the date is in the evening, park in a well-lit, busy parking
lot, close to the location.
• During the date, try to assess how open the other person
is about what they do for a living, where they grew up, etc. If
they don't want to part with simple information, they could be shy,
or it could spell trouble.
• For women, if you get a bad feeling about a male date, when
the date is over, be the first to ask, "So, where did you park?"
When he points out where, you point the other way, even if you are
parked in the same direction, and say, "Oh, I'm over this way.
Thanks for the company, I enjoyed it." Be polite, shake his
hand and start walking in the other direction.
Ultimately, the number of people who report feeling unsafe on or
after a date is almost nonexistent when proper precautions are taken.
Baila Lazarus is an Internet dating coach. Visit www.tastierdates.com
for more information. To sign up for online dating, visit jisinglesbc.com.
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