One love, two faiths

Practical answers to the intermarriage question.

With the launch of the new name for the paper comes the debut of a new monthly advice column, written by experts from the Jewish Family Service Agency (JFSA). Each month, they will tackle a new topic, based on questions sent in by readers (anonymity is assured). Please send your questions to [email protected].

Dear JFSA,
My son is planning to marry a woman who happens to come from a nominal Christian background. We have raised our kids to be open-minded but I am concerned that their differences will cause problems when they have children. Do you have any words of advice so that we can address some of these issues in advance?
Sincerely,
Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom,
You are right to want to raise some issues in advance with your son and future daughter-in-law. In any marriage, even one in which both partners are Jewish, there are many accommodations and blendings of different beliefs and practices. Melding two cultures seems to be embraced as an opportunity for celebration, as people feel that something is being added to their lives; however, melding two religions poses more complications, as belief systems are often contradictory and cannot necessarily be reconciled. This is especially true for the Jewish partner, who often feels more threatened by Christian observances than vice versa.

Some of the issues that your son and his new wife will face follow predictable developmental patterns of relationships and personal growth. Before the marriage, parents tend to have the most concerns about what might lie ahead. After all, they know the realities of marriage. As well, parents on both sides may be experiencing their own sense of loss and concern about the possibility of lost continuity of their own beliefs and practices. Young couples themselves seem to be relatively oblivious to the pitfalls that may lie ahead. After all, they are in love and very likely share many of the same values and lifestyle goals.

Once children arrive on the scene, the balance often begins to shift. People are surprised to find a dormant longing for customs and traditions that they may have ignored for some time. It is not uncommon for people to take a hiatus from religious or spiritual connections through their teens and 20s. Hence, couples often meet and plan a life together when they are furthest from their own religious identification. As people hit their mid-30s, they often experience an increase in desire to reconnect with past customs. Latent differences begin to surface. This stage can come as a surprise to both partners and often leads to a sense of betrayal and earlier agreements may need to be renegotiated.

This timing often coincides with becoming a parent and the first time that people really struggle with what they want to transmit to the next generation. If this stage also coincides with the loss of a parent, the longing to reconnect can be amplified. It is difficult for young people, in a remote stage of religious affiliation, to anticipate this stage – and yet it is crucial that they prepare for it. Talk to your son and daughter-in-law about this issue. Ask them to imagine themselves tucking a young child into bed. What kind of songs and stories do they want to pass down? Are any of them religious?

Holiday time, in particular Christmas, frequently leads to an increase in conflict. While many non-Jewish partners openly enjoy participating in Jewish holidays, Jews tend to bring a high level of discomfort and ambivalence toward celebrating Christian holidays. Interestingly, it is often the fact that the partner comes from a different background that provokes people to begin to identify with their own background more strongly. Each couple will need to address this issue directly and come up with strategies that respect and reflect what each parent values from their tradition. In your conversation, invite them to imagine various Jewish and Christian holidays and how they would like their children to celebrate them. Now have them imagine celebrating their partner's holidays and to pay attention to their internal reaction.

Obviously, it is impossible for any couple to anticipate all that might lie ahead. Unfortunately, most young couples are hesitant to rock the boat by raising issues before they manifest as problems. Encourage your son and daughter-in-law to start talking now. The way in which they manage these first difficult conversations will provide a template for future conflict resolution.

Keep in mind that your support and openness will make your daughter-in-law's transition into your family more comfortable. Share your customs with pride, but be curious and respectful of hers.

Two books that are useful for addressing these issues in a thoughtful and creative manner are Mixed Blessings by Rachel and Paul Cowan and The Intermarriage Handbook by Judy Petsonk and Jim Remsen. They may provide a helpful jumping-off point for your conversation.

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