How to relate to others

EUGENE AND RHODA KAELLIS

People often complain about others: spouses, friends, children, bosses, neighbors, relatives, everybody else. The list covers every conceivable type of relationship, including the most abiding one, with oneself.

For about 10 years, we taught a course about improving relationships. We found that people are often concerned with feelings, attitudes and motives, rather than what they should be concerned about – behavior.

People know each other only through perceptible conduct. Their behavior may be overt and crude, it may be subtle and nuanced, but it has to be observable. Motives, actually, presumed motives, are not. Indeed, you may never know anyone else's motives – or your own. Behind every motive is another motive. It's like being between two parallel mirrors and watching the infinitude of your reflections.

Many relationships have sham battles. Behind them is what Sigmund Freud called "secondary gain," the "payoff" for acting out a certain attitude. One couple fought for years about different wake-up settings for a shared alarm clock. The solution? Buy an additional alarm clock.

They weren't stupid, so why did they miss that? Because the time-setting wasn't the issue. The real issue was: If you really loved me, you would make sure to reset the alarm. Lesson: Be aware of what's really going on and don't test other people's love or friendship. In the end, they can't win, because you are convinced that they don't love you. It's what's called a self-fulfilling prophecy.

We never used the word "love," because it's been so devalued. People "love" one another; they "love" their dog, pizza, God and Canada. What's more, it has no bearing on the success of a relationship. If you want to express deep emotion, try "cherish." So far, that has escaped trivialization. But don't make it the be all and end all of a relationship. Respectful, co-operative behavior is.

Our approach was strictly in the Judaic tradition and very prescriptive. We described three techniques; two are done daily, one weekly. The first one creates a positive environment. The second identifies problems. The third deals with them.

Compliments or self-compliments are best given at a relaxed time – after dinner, for instance, and consist of one partner complimenting the other on behavior (cleaning the house, making dinner, working hard) and on traits (being smart, looking good). Then the other partner compliments the first. Finally – and this is important – each partner compliments him- or herself. Many people find this difficult to do. Its purpose is to build self-esteem, to let your partner know about something praiseworthy you've done and to inform your partner about what you consider important. He may compliment you on your beauty, whereas you want to be complimented on your brains.

One major value of this technique is that each partner, to avoid the embarrassment of being "caught short," has to spend the day thinking of ways to compliment the other. This technique improves the perception the partners have of each other.

Criticism or self-criticism is best done in the morning, after many resentments may have evaporated. Self-criticism comes first. It has to do with acts only, not traits, and acts performed only within the last 24 hours. People usually know when they have misbehaved and it's a great relief for their partners to learn that they have recognized their malfeasance and can admit it. While any number of compliments is permitted, only three criticisms and three self-criticisms are allowed.

The weekly technique is called contracting. Each partner draws up a list of specific behavioral requests (which can include any action, not attitudes) and then there are trade-offs in negotiation.

"Show me more affection" is not a legitimate contract request because compliance with it cannot be objectively verified. "Kiss me morning, noon and evening" is. While the final contract each partner makes is with him- or herself, its purpose is to satisfy the other. Success in fulfilment is reviewed after one week. The judge is your partner. For failure, determined by the partner, there is a "reinforcement" that has already been agreed upon (e.g., skipping dessert); for success, there is a reward that (e.g., taking a bubble bath), also agreed upon.

Don't try to outsmart your partner. Goodwill and honesty are essential; without it, all counselling and all techniques fail.

Some people complain that these techniques are contrived. Of course they are. All learned behavior, like driving or brushing your teeth, is contrived.

Behavior is subject to one's will and changes first. Thoughts change later, and feelings are the last to change.

Eugene and Rhoda Kaellis have been married for 52 years. They live in New Westminster.

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