Rabbi Boteach sheds light on love

DAVE GORDON SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH BULLETIN

The Private Adam: Becoming a Hero in a Selfish Age
By Shmuley Boteach
Harper Collins, 2003. 288 pages. $24.95 US

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach's new book, The Private Adam: Becoming a Hero in a Selfish Age, takes its name from an oft-overlooked passage in the earliest chapters of the Bible – a passage that speaks directly to the warring impulses that pervade our society. The figure of Adam is introduced twice: first as a figure in God's image, and then as man created from dust, told to nurture the Garden of Eden and care for it. In these two divergent Adams, the aggressive public figure versus the humble private man, Boteach finds a parable for man's eternal struggle between ambition and altruism; self-promotion and self-sacrifice. Chapters in the new book include "Prioritize Relationships" and "Have Authentic Relationships," which deal with being truthful – sometimes boldly – with your mate or date, and admonishes people who only look for the superficial.

It is in this vein that I interview Boteach, best known for his publications Kosher Sex and Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments, on dating, match-making, relationships, humility and how to fall in love.

DG: Have people lost the art of loving?

SB: I don't think people have lost the art of loving. It still exists in great stories. We still love watching Shakespeare in Love or any of the great romantic films. I would say that we cannot fall in love. Love is out there, it's just not internalized. If you ask someone, "What is love?" they can give you pretty erudite, insightful commentary. But then if you ask them "Are you in love?" the answer's no. Can you imagine if all the farmers in Kansas planted wheat, watered it, harvested it and nothing grew? We'd say something was wrong, either with the seed or the ground or something else. A lot more people are planting the seeds of love. They're dating, going out. And they're not falling in love. Nothing's growing and we have to know why. Did something in the earth change? Did the seeds change? Did society change?

I've asked women in female audiences around the world, it's so funny to see this – no matter where you are, be it a non-Jewish audience in the Netherlands two months ago, to Jewish audiences in New York, "who here needs a man?" You will see three or four hands go up. I don't mean three or four per cent, I mean three or four hands. And then I say to them, "Do you need a refrigerator?" All the hands go up.

Now that we no longer see love as a need, but as a luxury, what's the definition of a luxury? A luxury always has to be the best. When it comes to necessity, "good enough is good enough." When it comes to luxury: only the best. When love becomes a luxury not a necessity, people say, "I need the best, because I could live without it. It's not a need." When it comes to food, I don't need the best restaurant. I need food that's good. But if food became a luxury, we'd all go to five star restaurants, because it's not a necessity and we could live without it. We're a generation that's incapable of identifying our core needs.

DG: There's seems to be a recent fascination with matchmaking on television. There are so many shows about putting two people together and seeing what happens. To what do you attribute their popularity?

SB: I attribute it to the dysfunctional nature of modern relationships.

My book about falling in love is about that. Can you imagine a whole generation who date and date and don't build relationships? Do you know what the divorce rate is in the United States is now? You won't believe this. It'll knock you over. Sixty seven per cent of all marriages end in divorce. It's no wonder all these things are so popular. It's a cry for help. It's like, "I can't meet anyone. Even when I'm meeting someone I'm not interested in them. No one's good enough."

This is a typical story. I asked this guy, who's dated 200 women, why he's not married yet. He gave me the typical response: I haven't yet met the right person. "I want someone really special." I said, "Do you realize what you're saying? Only one per cent of the population is really special; 99 per cent of people are ordinary. You're part of the 99 per cent!" We don't realize these dumb statements like, "I haven't met the right person." Garbage! There are tons of people. There's something inside you that won't allow you to fall in love. Stop blaming the people. It's you! That's why this stuff is so popular. We're looking for aids to fall in love. When the whole millionaire bride thing happened, I was on Larry King Live discussing why people do this. I said that people are prepared to go on any show. This is a generation that is really detached from the core, human values that lead to dignity. This is a generation that confuses dignity with celebrity.

DG: How much should a couple expect fireworks on the first few dates, or how much of the date should be work?

SB: A mature relationship has to have an element of delayed gratification. People today are slightly immature in how they date. They do want immediate fireworks. They do want to be swept off their feet. They're living in a fantasy world. The real world is where you first establish the essentials of the person you're dating, that is, someone I'd like to fall in love with, so therefore I'll make the effort to do so. You have to put effort into the relationship. You try to communicate. You have to be more vulnerable in dating, talking about things that have more substance, maybe be more revelatory about yourself, and learn how the person can comfort you, and to give comfort yourself. All those things take work.

DG: You often talk of maturing a date like a fine wine and avoiding superficiality. Speed dating is a new singles concept that's growing in popularity. Is it healthy to reinforce fast-paced introductions? What do you think of the concept?

SB: I'm very impressed with it, but with a major caveat. I think it's a very good thing because on the one hand, one of the biggest problems is that people complain they have no one to meet these days. But it has its drawbacks. It can feign the superficial criteria that people employ in dating today. "Oh, cool, I get to meet 10 people. So the first person I meet, you know, OK, I've put them on hold now. Let me go through the second person." The conversation has very little time to develop. The possibilities are good, but the implementation of it is key. If it's just going to feed to superficiality, then look at it from a guy's perspective. He gets to date 10 women in one night, in very short dates. You know, most guys end up being interested in the prettier girl. And most of the girls are going to be interested in the most successful, most charismatic, more personality-laden guy. OK, he doesn't say what he does, but women know! They know when a guy's good at something. Without him saying that he's an investment banker, you can see how he dresses, the confidence he carries, and the way he sets himself. It's not true that the prettiest girls and the most successful guys are happiest.

DG: How rigidly should a single person stick to their list of what they're looking for?

SB: At the end of my book Kosher Sex, I put in a list of what people should be looking for. It's not at all specific. I find it's not a list, but a composite picture that most people fantasize, "This is the kind of person that I've picked to marry." I can't tell you how often a man or woman has gone on a date and has said to me, "Yeah, a great person, but this is not the kind of person I've envisioned marrying." What kind of a dumb statement is that? What you're saying is that you're not open to the possibility of love. You're rigid and narrow instead of being open.

If you look at my list, number one is "Am I attracted to the person?" I don't mean physical attraction, I mean, do I want to know this person more? Am I curious about them? That's how I define attraction. Do I feel they can be giving? Do they feel they can acknowledge their faults? Do I feel like they can grow?

DG: What advice would you give to someone who says they're tired of hunting for a mate and wants to let it just happen?

SB: I would say it's like waiting for an employer to come and give me a job. Everything in life requires effort. I like singles events that are based around something educational, where you feel you can grow. Even if you don't meet someone, it's not a waste of an evening and it didn't degrade you. Don't be an extremist. To say "it'll fall in my lap" is a big mistake. To look around like you're desperate is also a big mistake. I have no problem with people telling their friends, "I'm looking for someone, please introduce me."

DG: Is it healthy for people to be attracted to someone they don't know or people they've only met once?

SB: I don't want to give a wishy-washy response, but yes and no. Yes, in that it's good to be sensitive to the human condition and be attracted to almost anyone. But on the other hand, you have to overcome that impulse and be more discerning. If not, you just date too much. And you date in spasms: date, not interested, date, not interested. Then you become numb to the whole dating scene.

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach is the author of 14 books, including the highly praised best-seller Kosher Sex, Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments and Why Can't I Fall in Love? He has appeared on television shows around the world and is also a nationally syndicated radio host on the Talk America radio network.

Dave Gordon is a freelance writer from Toronto. He has written for the Baltimore Sun, Toronto Sun, Pittsburgh Post Gazette and many others.

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