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July 9, 2004
Assistance with divorce
Collaborative model makes difficult process easier.
AZIMA BUELL SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH BULLETIN
When my daughter was 16 she said, "Mom, I don't understand
why people think that divorce is such a bad thing. Why is that?"
I was thrilled that my daughter, coming from a divorced family,
was asking that question. My hope is that the children of the couples
with whom I work will be asking their parents the same question
10 years down the road.
There is a great deal of research backing the idea that it is not
the family constellation that is predictive of behavioral and emotional
problems in children – rather it is the nature of family relationships,
particularly the amount of conflict between parents, as well as
the socioeconomic status of the family, that can signal difficulties.
Separating parents often justify the decision to end a marriage
by demonizing their former partner – the "ex" becomes
the most despicable person alive. The aim of an approach called
collaborative divorce is to help former spouses create a relationship
that is marked by respect, collaboration and co-operative caring
for their children; one where their love of their children, rather
than their hostility towards each other, will be their navigational
beacon.
In the absence of this beacon of mutual respect, the negativity,
contempt and hostility that often marks the end of a relationship
creates a mine field between the two former spouses. Who has to
negotiate the mine field every time they move back and forth between
the parents? The children. Who feels ripped in two, torn in their
loyalties to the two people who brought them into the world? The
children. And who has very little skill in dealing with this kind
of conflict? The children.
Collaborative divorce is in large part about children. It is about
being enriched rather than diminished by having two households.
It is about a clear commitment from parents to divorce each other,
but not their children.
How does the collaborative divorce model work? A team of professionals,
including lawyers, counsellors and, when needed, other specialists,
address various aspects of the process. Each person has a divorce
coach who helps them deal with the often overwhelming emotional
aspects of separation. Divorce coaches help maintain clear communication
and a focus on collaboration in order to help the couple find a
way to meet the underlying interests of all concerned. Both people
feel supported since they each have a coach as well as a lawyer,
and through the safety of this support it is possible to minimize
unhealthy and destructive interactional patterns.
The process is different than therapy in that it is less focused
on the feelings, thoughts, beliefs and behavior from the past, and
more pragmatically focused on getting through the divorce in as
painless and efficient a manner as possible, and on addressing future
issues. This process also differs from mediation in that neither
the lawyers nor the coaches are neutral third parties. The coaches
and lawyers are advocates who are also concerned about the overall
system and they help each other keep the interactions collaborative
and positive rather than being drawn into the vortex of judging
and blaming that often overtakes the divorce process. Other specialists,
such as financial specialists or child specialists, are sometimes
brought in to keep the process moving forward more efficiently.
This might sound like a lot of professionals to be involved, and
a lot of expense. It is. However, it is much less expensive than
a court battle – both financially and emotionally, and the
collaborative team is mindful of the efficient use of the various
components.
For more information, visit www.collaborativedivorcebc.org.
Azima Buell, MA, RCC, began her career working with parents
in 1987 and now works both privately as a divorce coach and therapist,
as well as at Jewish Family Service Agency, where an exploration
of how to integrate parts of the collaborative divorce practice
into the agency is being undertaken. This article was written with
editing assistance from another collaborative coach, Dr. Alina Wydra.
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