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Jan. 13, 2012
The possibilities of intermarriage
For Jews, such unions are unavoidably, inevitably linked to a basic demographic question.
EUGENE KAELLIS
In a scene from Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye’s wife asks him if he loves her. He is confused. They have been living together for most of their lives, they have had children together and are growing old together, evidently the consequences of what might be an even unacknowledged love. Love itself is no more a demonstrable fact than is faith in the existence of God, moreover, in an ultimately munificent God. Behavior, however, guided by love in one case and piety in another, is what is both demonstrable and meaningful and is totally in accord with the Judaic tradition that places actions above (alleged) beliefs. So, Tevye doesn’t know what to say; nonetheless, his wife pursues him.
Love as the basis for marriage is a relatively recent development and, with the marginal exception of medieval minnesingers, troubadours, who usually only sang about love; they provided a musical-poetic background for largely symbolic courtly romance (or extramarital liaisons), but not the basis for a lifelong relationship. Sex then, as now, was widely available. The wealthy married for advantage, the poor largely for household management and children.
At the time in which Fiddler is set, the relatively recent concept of romantic love had already spawned countless works of music, art and literature and had penetrated the norm of mate selection, especially in the middle class. But, in Tevye’s shtetl, marriages were still usually arranged. The upper classes married largely for pedigree and wealth, the poor, to a significant degree, for economic reasons or from the compatibility that derives from shared struggle. One of Tevye’s daughter’s does marry for love, moreover, to a non-Jew.
One of the outcomes of living in a culture that is largely secular and liberal is that intermarriage, is on the increase – interracial, interethnic and inter-religious. For Jews, it’s hard to separate the last two since the core of Jewish culture derives from Judaism and is sustained by it, whether secular Jews recognize and accept that or not.
For Jews, intermarriage is unavoidably and inevitably linked to a basic demographic question – the proportion of self-identifying Diaspora Jews in the world continues to decline, a decline that can be self-accelerating as Jewish institutions lose their base of support. So, intermarriage between Jews and non-Jews is not only a cultural-religious issue, it is increasingly a demographic question. It is a growing problem not only because of assimilation, but because the traditional, “organic” ways for marriageable people to meet, often in religious-cultural communities, is declining. In response to this, there are now Internet sites and computerized services that have largely replaced the village shadchen (matchmaker), like Yente in Fiddler.
In the past, intermarriage often followed a military conflict when women, in an evident form of Darwin’s theory of sexual selection, found the victorious men, from their own side or, at times, even the enemy’s, attractive. There was also the “shiksa complex,” in which men, for most of history the pursuers, presumably found gentile women more attractive. This is part of a much more encompassing circumstance that I call the “exotic erotic,” based on the presumed greater sexual competence of foreign group members. Whatever the factual basis for this, the outcome was the enlarging of the gene pool, which has its biological advantages: hybrids almost always display more vigor than purebreds.
With a large and growing rate of intermarriage between Jews and non-Jews, a rate that is larger in Western Canada than in the east and midwest, where relatively large Jewish communities exist, can anything be done to help assure the future of Jewish families and, consequently, the Jewish community and its institutions by discouraging intermarriage? By the time children reach marriageable age, it may be too late. If parents have developed in their children a Jewish consciousness when they are still growing up, that can introduce significant and positive elements of Jewish identity in their households and thereby increase the odds of their marrying Jews. As their children grow into adulthood and absorb the secular culture that inundates our society, it is that which will otherwise act as the major determinant in their quest for a permanent mate.
The late Edwin Friedman, a rabbi and marriage counselor, in the Washington, D.C., area, wrote a useful book, The Myth of the Shiksa, recounting some of the problems relating to intermarriage that he faced. He advises parents that, once such unions are already underway and the couple is committed, not to oppose their decision. That can lead only to permanent estrangement, bad enough with children, perhaps worse with forthcoming grandchildren. What may be (adroitly) negotiable under such circumstances is the type and degree of exposure of the grandchildren to Jewish culture and religion. Jews can learn a lesson in this from the Catholic Church, which, in modern secular societies, faces the same problem and which does not treat the Catholic partner as an outcast, but rather negotiates such matters as baptism and Catholic education for the children of interfaith unions.
Moreover, the non-Jewish partner can take instruction for eventual conversion to Judaism. This can become a reality only if the Jewish partner and his or her parents see unique and positive values in Judaism and are prepared to assist in the process. In the event that the non-Jewish male partner is not circumcised, it is useful to keep in mind the teaching of Rabbi Joseph Caro (1488-1545), author of the Shulchan Aruch, the outstanding expert and commentator on Jewish ritual, who stated that circumcision is not a requirement for conversion, a position that, had it been in force in the pre-Christian era, with Jews then being active proselytizers, might have altered the course of Jewish and world history.
For the parents of either partner, intermarriage can be a demanding time. It can lead to a stubborn repudiation and its perhaps permanently distancing sequelae. It can lead to simple passive acceptance, with the risks attendant in that, or it can be a time for intelligent and meaningful reconciliation, in which the retaining, even extension, of Jewishness can be one of the positive outcomes.
Dr. Eugene Kaellis and his late wife wrote a couples relationship book, Couple Power, available from amazon.com or lulu.com. He now teaches couples relationship courses for continuing education divisions in the Lower Mainland.
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