Adult and child worry

We continue with our monthly advice columns written by experts from the Jewish Family Services Agency (JFSA). Each month, we tackle a new topic, based on questions sent in by readers (anonymity is assured). This month, Let's Talk responds to two related letters from an adult child and their senior parent. Please send your questions to [email protected].

Dear JFSA,
I need help with my mother. She lives in Vancouver and I live in Winnipeg, which makes it very difficult for me to organize assistance. She is 84 and insists on remaining in her home, although I don't think she can manage on her own.

My father died two years ago and, since that time, my mother seems to have been declining. When I visited her in October, I could see that she had lost some weight and she doesn't seem to take the same interest in keeping her home as she used to. I don't think she's eating regular meals or sleeping properly. I made her see her doctor when I was there, but he was not very helpful. If I lived in Vancouver, I could keep better track of her.

I convinced her to try some home help, which she did for a while, but she said it actually made more work for her. Also, she thinks $10 an hour is too expensive. Should I go ahead and call the home support service and tell them to send someone and just bill me?
Sincerely,
Concerned Adult Child

Dear JFSA,
I'm writing to see if you can help me with a problem with my daughter who lives in Winnipeg. When she visited me in Vancouver, she was quite concerned about me and urged me to go out to socialize more and to get some help in the home. I know she has my best interests at heart, but I don't want or need these services right now.

My husband died nearly two years ago, after a wonderful 51-year marriage. I still miss him and sometimes I feel like I am rattling around in my house, which is probably too big for me now. My daughter thinks I'm not coping very well. Truthfully, I am quite enjoying getting used to looking after only me. I was always an excellent housekeeper and cook, and my husband always complimented me on my lovely dinners. Now, I don't have to do big meals. I realize that I love the freedom to eat what I want, when I want. I don't need to keep a perfect house - the cat never complains if I haven't dusted. My daughter made me try a home support worker to come in to do some cooking. The worker meant well, but I had to help her find things and buy extra supplies, and I didn't want to freeze extra portions. It was all so wasteful.

How do I explain that I am the same woman that I was at 55, just a little stiffer, and slower, and not as interested in being involved in community activities? I have also had time to get to know the neighbor three doors down – a lovely man who was widowed last year. He will often call to see if I need anything from Safeway when he is going, and we frequently enjoy an afternoon visit or a movie together. I am nervous about mentioning him to my daughter, as she may not approve. I am writing to ask for your help in how to politely ask my daughter to stop worrying and interfering so much.
Sincerely,
Frustrated Senior Parent

Dear Concerned Adult Child and Frustrated Senior Parent,
These letters describe a common situation for adult children and senior parents. Often an adult child living some distance from their parent has more apprehension about his or her parent than one who lives closer. What the child may observe on an infrequent visit or gather through a long-distance telephone call may often be misleading. JFSA staff often hears from seniors that they need help in reassuring their children about their health and about living alone, even if it might appear that they are living at risk.

Out-of-town children can use JFSA seniors outreach counsellors, who may contact the parents, as long as they approve of the contact, to help facilitate communication between seniors and mid-life children. Often, an objective assessment of the situation by a skilled worker can lower anxiety and provide reassurance. We can determine that a senior has access to local resources, such as a lunch program or an exercise program, as well as provide information about available services from the local health department. Our case management services are free and available to any adult children and/or senior parents. For more information or assistance, contact the seniors department at Jewish Family Service Agency at 604-257-5151 or [email protected].

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