The benefits of a havurah

MIRA SUCHAROV

The idea of do-it-yourself Judaism is gaining increased visibility, specifically through the practice of havurot, small groups that come together regularly for Jewish ritual celebration. For example, Rabbi Elie Kaunfer’s book, Empowered Judaism: What Independent Minyanim Can Teach Us about Building Vibrant Jewish Communities (Jewish Lights Publishing, 2010), describes the impact of the rise of such havurot. More recently, the Union for Reform Judaism suggested in its fall 2012 magazine that large synagogues facilitate the creation of havurot within their congregations.

In addition to belonging to a synagogue, my family is part of a vibrant and intimate independent havurah in Ottawa. Comprised of six families, our group meets each month at rotating homes for a potluck dinner either on Friday, for Kabbalat Shabbat, or on Saturday, for Havdalah. We recently marked our eighth anniversary together.

When we began, there were six children among us, now there are 12. The oldest celebrated her bat mitzvah last year, the youngest is two. We hail from Ottawa, Winnipeg, Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver and New York. Our Jewish backgrounds range from being graduates of Jewish day school and immersive Jewish summer camp, Jews by choice, Jews with little formal background who are learning more about their heritage, and non-Jews married to Jews. When we formed the havurah, for most of us this was our only formal Jewish affiliation in Ottawa. Since then, most of us have joined synagogues – spanning three Jewish denominations.

For those who are drawn to the idea of forming a havurah, here is my advice. Start with three or four singles and/or couples, allowing for some initial growth and some attrition. Once the group gels, six families seems to be a good number to maintain. Hosting 24 people for dinner may sound daunting, but holding a buffet-style meal, and encouraging informal mixing and mingling, helps.

With the varying knowledge of Hebrew language and text that our group possesses, it can be challenging to keep a vibrant service or kumzitz (sing-along) going. Some have Hebrew knowledge but less singing confidence. Others enjoy the music but don’t know the words. Those more knowledgeable should commit to trying to create a simple and easily repeatable “song set” that others can learn and absorb. When we founded our havurah, we ordered custom benchers (Birkat Hamazon, Grace After Meals, and song books) from United Synagogue. They help – when we remember to bring them!

Our havurah initially set a monthly topic to facilitate a formal discussion; we have not always kept this up, to the relief of some and disappointment of others. If you do wish to have a more formal adult-focused activity and there are several babies and toddlers, consider hiring a babysitter to join along as an extra set of eyes. More recently, we have tried to create more child-centred Jewish activities so everyone can participate meaningfully.

Allow for some periods of stocktaking. At times, we have debated whether to meet exclusively on Friday evenings or to allow for more a relaxed Saturday late afternoon Havdalah event. With no formal consensus reached, the practice evolved into it falling to the host to decide. It was a good and unplanned compromise.

Don’t assume the havurah will meet all the spiritual or communal needs of everyone. When we founded the group, I envisioned that we might gather for davening, for holiday celebrations, for lifecycle events, and for Shabbat. Perhaps not surprisingly, that proved too ambitious. Joining a shul in addition to being part of the havurah, and taking part in organized Jewish community life around Ottawa has been a good solution for many of us.

Cherish the fact that a havurah is not a Jewish clique, but rather a cross-section of Jewish families who get to grow together in a particular context. We still haven’t all agreed on which denomination’s tune we will use for Hamotzi, for example. Again, particular hosts can set the tone on a rotating basis, bringing their own favorite rituals to the fore.

I asked some of the members what they most enjoy about our havurah. Talia, 6: lighting the candles. Lev, 6: playing hide and seek. Hannah, 9: the food. Michal, 14: watching the younger kids play. Jerry, a dad and psychotherapist: “the simplicity of old friends and a regular kind of rhythm in a year.” Barbara, a mom and English professor, adds that she enjoys “having continuity over time – especially as we watch the kids grow.”

A havurah is a wonderful opportunity for our kids to nurture a web of relationships with a nest of loving adults around them. For Judaism’s sake, being part of a havurah can remind us that the Shabbat experience – for all its family-centred nature – can be even sweeter when shared in a communal context.

Mira Sucharov is an associate professor of political science at Carleton University. She blogs at huffingtonpost.com, haaretz.com and thedailybeast.com. This article was originally published in the Ottawa Jewish Bulletin.

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