Remarriage customs

SYBIL KAPLAN

In Judaism, when a marriage does not work out, divorce is accepted practice and, when a spouse dies, remarriage is encouraged. Second-time-around Jewish marriages present unique questions on issues of Jewish tradition and law, questions that will be answered differently by rabbis who are Reform, Conservative, Orthodox or another stream of Judaism, as well as by different rabbis within a movement, so check with your own rabbi on these customs for exactly how your remarriage might be affected.

If one has been married to someone Jewish, before one can remarry, a get, or bill of divorce, is required by Orthodox and traditional rabbis before a marriage ceremony can be performed. This document is issued by a beit din (religious court) and dissolves the religious sanction of marriage usually after the civil divorce is granted. The Conservative movement also requires a get anytime someone has been married previously to a Jewish person and wishes to be remarried. A get is not required if the party is to be remarried by most Reform rabbis.

Before the wedding

Among most Orthodox and traditional Jews, a ceremony of commitment or engagement, called tenaim (conditions or stipulations), is held. For remarriage, some follow it and some do not. Today, in general, the tenaim are included as part of the signing of the ketubah (Jewish marriage contract), immediately before the wedding ceremony and not at a separate time.

Among Orthodox, traditional and Conservative Jews, it is customary for the prospective bridegroom to have an aufruf (being called to the Torah for an aliyah) on the Sabbath before the wedding. If the Orthodox or traditional groom is being married for the first time and the bride has been married before, it is proper to have an aufruf. If the groom has been married before, it is optional among Orthodox and traditional Jews. Among Reform, the aufruf is optional.

It is also customary among some Orthodox and traditional Jews for the bride and groom to pay a visit to the cemetery before they are married, to visit the graves of parents who are deceased. If someone is marrying for the second time, there is no ruling whether this custom should be followed since it is a mitzvah to visit one’s relatives in the cemetery anytime. Conservative Jews occasionally visit the cemetery before remarriage, although it is not very common. For Reform, this is optional, as well.

The Orthodox and traditional prospective bride who was married before and visited the mikvah (ritual bath) on a regular basis would do so before she remarried, regardless of her age. An Orthodox or traditional prospective bride who did not regularly go to the mikvah and is remarrying would also go before remarrying, regardless of her age. Someone has estimated that between 25 and 30 percent of first-time Conservative brides go to the mikvah; with second-time brides, it is considerably fewer, although it is part of the Conservative ritual and practice. Some Reform brides are encouraged to go to the mikvah even if they are not going to make it a monthly practice, because rabbis and brides themselves feel it acknowledges moving into another chapter of sexuality and life.

On the wedding day

Among Orthodox and traditional Jews, it is customary for the bride and groom to fast on the day of their wedding. If this is the custom of the people involved, then remarrying couples would also fast. Sephardi Jews do not follow this custom. Among Conservative Jews, rabbis often encourage the couple to fast. Among Reform Jews, it is optional.

Sometimes an Orthodox or traditional groom wishes to be married in a kittel (white robe worn on Yom Kippur and for burial). If this is the groom’s custom, a second-time groom may wear one. In most Conservative weddings, grooms do not wear a kittel, and Reform Jews do not follow this custom.

An Orthodox or traditional second-time bride wears a veil. The ceremony of bedecken (veiling of the bride by the groom before the marriage ceremony) is up to the couple. For Conservative brides remarrying, wearing a veil is optional and most do not. If the bride chooses to wear a veil, then she should have the bedecken ceremony. Reform brides remarrying have a choice whether or not to wear a veil and the bedecken is optional.

There are no specific customs for the processional for remarrying couples. In some cases, the groom comes alone; in other cases, he comes with his parents or with his children. In some cases, the bride comes alone; in other cases, she comes with her parents or with her children. Among some Orthodox Jews, the groom is escorted to the chuppah by the two fathers and the bride by the two mothers. Among Conservative Jews, more often than not, the prospective second-time bride prefers not to be escorted by her parents, and the style is very flexible. With the second-time bride and groom, there is often less of an emphasis on the pomp and ceremony; often there is no real processional and either no attendants or only a maid of honor and a best man. A Reform bride and groom decide the arrangement for their processional.

The custom of the bride encircling the groom three or seven times is usually only done in Orthodox and traditional ceremonies. There is no differentiation between first and second marriages, and the practice depends on the choice of the individuals. Sephardim do not follow this custom. Since the encircling falls within the area of custom, it is not very common in Conservative marriages. Among Reform couples, sometimes they decide to encircle three times or encircle each other, but it is an option.

The marriage ceremony itself is no different for a second marriage than for a first marriage, regardless of whether it is Orthodox, Conservative or Reform. Only in the ketubah is the wording slightly different for a second marriage. Whereas in a first marriage, the bride is referred to as a betulah (virgin or one not married before), in a remarriage, this is changed either to divorcée or widow. The amount of the financial obligation of the groom to the bride, should the marriage end, is also changed when the bride has been married before: the amount is cut in half, not as a statement of the bride’s worth, but by rabbinic reasoning that she may have had some resources of her own. Among Conservative Jews, there are also changes in the text of the ketubah, since it reflects the status of the woman, and the financial issue is changed as well, whereas Reform Jews do not use the traditional ketubah and instead often use one that is egalitarian, so there likely would not be status differences.

After the ceremony

Yichud (the seclusion of the bride and groom for 14 minutes after the ceremony and before the reception) is generally considered an Orthodox or traditional custom, and it can be done for a second marriage. In Conservative weddings, it is done sometimes for first marriages but rarely done for second marriages. For Reform, some people choose to do it, but most do not.

Finally, the traditional practice of reciting the sheva brachot (seven blessings) for seven days after the wedding, after a meal is served for the newly married couple, is slightly different for remarriages. If one marries a widow or a divorcée, the celebration is held for only three days, and the sheva brachot are recited only on the first day. While most authorities say the blessings at the first wedding meal but not the seven days that follow, if this is the first marriage for the groom, the sheva brachot are said for all seven days. In Conservative marriages, if the sheva brachot are recited at the meal following the ceremony, they are rarely recited on the days following. Among Reform, most do not recite these blessings.

Sybil Kaplan is a freelance writer living in Jerusalem.

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