The fun with torch run prep

JEFFREY GROBERMAN

Well here it is, five days till I run the Olympic torch. Only five more sleeps! There’s been a lot of activity as the event draws closer. First of all, I received my spiffy torch runner uniform – the jacket, pants, toque and the red mittens.

When I informed my buddies that I had received the outfit, my friend Sonny told me that my red mittens were special – not just like the 10-buck mittens you buy at the Bay. Sonny told me these were special torch runner mittens – they have been treated with flame retardant – that they’re impossible to burn. Of course, I had to find out. I think if I keep my hand clenched nobody will notice.... Of course it was my right mitten, so I’ll have to carry the torch lefthanded.

One thing I didn’t receive was my torch. This was a great disappointment, as my son had already figured out how to make it shoot colored flames 20 feet into the air. He suggests that maybe we should find somebody who already has a torch to lend to us. He would make the modifications and show up on the day I’m running with said torch hidden in his pants and, when nobody was looking, we could make the switch. Of course, his torch would have to be lit at the time of the switch, which could be uncomfortable for him. We’re still working on the plan.

My wife, Michele, wasn’t thrilled with me spending 350 bucks to buy my torch. I told her that people are getting more than $2,000 for the torch on eBay. She could easily sell it after I’m dead. That seemed to mollify her. So if something should happen to me the day after I run the torch, please have the CSI people take a close look at my corpse and see if there are any pillow feathers in my mouth.

As many of you know, I’m directionally challenged. And since my route actually has a corner that I will have to negotiate, the chances are high that I will get lost – my handlers will go one way and I’ll go the other. In order to stave off this potentially embarrassing situation, I have modified a portable GPS unit and fitted it to a harmonic holder from my “I want to be Bob Dylan days” and I will have it suspended in front of my eyes so I will know where I am at all times.

I recently became reacquainted with a cousin of mine who works for public relations at NASA. One of his duties is special appearances by the astronauts. I e-mailed him to see if he might be able to help with my run. I asked him if Neil Armstrong would like to stand with the bag lady and the dumpster-diver I hired to cheer me on.

Here’s his e-mail response: “Neil isn’t available but John Glenn said he’d be there with bells on. Sounds very cool.”

I replied that I didn’t think that would be a good idea, as John is looking a bit shabby, and might get into a fight with the bag lady – and that would divert attention from me. Then again, that might just be the diversion I need to switch the torches!

My cousin did suggest, as an alternative, that the astronauts might take a banner with them to tack up on the outside of the Space Station during one of their EVAs. I have Michele making it up now.

So again, I’m running on Wednesday, Feb. 10, around 4 p.m., near Edgemont Village. If you can make it, I’d appreciate you bringing a camera.

Jeffrey Groberman is a well-known Vancouver writer and television producer. His travel articles also appear in the Vancouver Sun and Province. To follow his adventures as a torch runner, visit madtorchrunner.blogspot.com.

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