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February 20, 2009
Parenting psychology
Author answers difficult questions in new book.
DAVE GORDON
Sara Dimerman wants you to know that it's possible to do all kinds of things you may think are not normal as a parent, and still be "normal."
A psychologist, Dimerman founded the Parent Education and Resource Centre in Thornhill, Ont. She is a popular lecturer on the topic of parenting and has also appeared on radio and television shows across North America. She is the author of the new book Am I a Normal Parent? (Hatherleigh Press), which features a foreword by Nanny Deb of TV's Nanny 911. In an interview, she offered some parenting tips, and explained how to be a "normal" parent.
JI: In the book, you talk about parents who find themselves comparing their parenting styles to other parents. What are your conclusions about how normal something like that is?
SD: While it may be important for parents to talk to friends or go on the Internet to see what other parents are doing, or read parenting magazines or even parenting books to see what's most typical, every family, every parent, needs to acknowledge that every family dynamic is a little bit different. Where it gets too much is when parents may be wanting to go overboard in terms of trying to be like their neighbor or trying to be like the person that's giving them advice, just because they want to fit in ... because normal is not always what it's cracked up to be.
JI: The book is targeted towards parents. New parents? Old parents? What sort of parents?
SD: Well, all parents, because we all speak the same language, the universal language among parents, in terms of the same kinds of thoughts, feelings, even if we were raised in different cultures, different religions, different families of origin. We all have the same thoughts and feelings. We all experience guilt a lot of the time; most of the time, we all worry about the safety of our children, some a little bit more than others. We all feel that there's a time crunch, we never have enough time for ourselves or for our partners or for our families.
JI: How much is the parent a friend, how much is the parent a parent and what about those parents who, when faced with a request or a demand by a child, give in because they're afraid to upset the kid?
SD: I think that the whole issue of creating boundaries in all aspects of our lives as parents is an important one. I think that when we say to our children things like, "Don't treat me like a friend, you need to show me more respect," I think that's kind of an interesting comment ... what we're talking about is maybe a bit more reverence toward a parent, a little bit more respect in terms of acknowledging that parents have a little bit more experience, a little bit more life wisdom, that parents ultimately have the final say.
JI: Are you a normal parent if you blow your cool?
SD: There is a chapter in there, called "Feeling Bad When We're Mad," and that's all about feeling guilty about losing our temper.... We've all blown it, we're human beings and, as human beings, we're sometimes more stressed than others. And for me, the biggest ground rule is called separating the deed from the doer. In other words, not putting your child down or making him or her feel silly or stupid.
JI: How often should a parent apologize? In what manner?
SD: Well, absolutely I think there's nothing wrong with parents admitting to mistakes that they've made. Again, as human beings we make mistakes. The only problem is if parents consistently make the same mistakes and if they're constantly apologizing for the same thing that they're doing, then children learn not to trust.
Dave Gordon is a Toronto freelance writer. His website is www.davegordonwrites.com.
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