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Feb. 29, 2008
Silence is not always golden
People shouldn't wait to talk about the issues surrounding aging.
BAILA LAZARUS
It is perhaps one of the most difficult conversations families will have; it brings up old baggage, triggers vulnerability and fear, and can tear relatives apart, but it is crucial. As parents age, they and their adult children need to discuss plans for the future, even though it's usually not easy.
Financial situations, health arrangements, new residences and the possibilities of disease and death are all topics that many midlife children and their parents avoid. This is why they formed the basis of a public lecture by Clarissa Green Feb. 4 at Beth Israel Synagogue. Green is an award-winning teacher and a family therapist who has been specializing in counselling middle-aged children and their parents for more than 25 years. The lecture, entitled Conversations, was directed at adult children of aging parents, and was sponsored by the Jewish Family Services Agency and Beth Israel.
Beginning with a story from her own life, Green related how a casual conversation with her mother and sister over lunch revealed some very telling assumptions that were being made on both sides. Her mother lived in Eastern Canada, but none of her children did. She had thought that Green would just naturally return to the east to take care of her. Green, on the other hand, was not prepared to give up her life in British Columbia.
"I was disappointing her with my own personal truths – the limits of what I could and couldn't do," said Green. "It became much more honest, much more real, even though I disappointed her."
This is one of the key challenges in covering serious topics frankly with siblings, children or parents – each grows up with expectations about what is supposed to happen, but these expectations are never discussed. Who is supposed to do the care giving? Who's going to live where? Are the expectations realistic? Are they based on old information?
Opening up these lines of communications is incredibly difficult, but it must be done and can be very helpful.
"Knowing the big picture helps people feel less isolated," said Green. "But many families do little or no planning until they absolutely have to."
While the conversation is daunting, Green has several tips to help people take on the challenge:
• Keep a list of all the conversations you need to have, focusing on one topic at a time, such as health or finances.
• Find out from your parents when the best time of day would be to have these conversations.
• Every time you hit a family milestone (retirement, grandchild, sale of home), reassess the situation and see if it's still working for everyone.
• If there is the presence or possibility of a serious illness, such as Parkinson's or Alzheimers, learn as much as possible.
"Families who cope well [with changes] make it their business to learn about these diseases," said Green.
• If a disease or aging renders a parent childlike, never treat them as anything but an adult. "Role reversal undermines dignity," said Green. "It's destructive and it never works."
• Never make plans without the parents' input.
Green stressed that care-giving is a steep learning curve, especially if you haven't taken care of a dependent before, and one child can't take care of it all. If you don't have a sibling to help you, try and create a "surrogate family" around you. Use the services of local seniors centres and find friends who might be able to help out with things like taking a parent to the doctor. Remember also, that even if you do have siblings, be prepared for a rocky road.
Care-giving shifts the relationships of everyone – generations bump into each other, she said. And it's important to realize that the adult children who have moved away from home can still be affected by choices even if they are not present when decisions are made.
Ultimately, starting any conversation around these issues is going to cause discomfort, but the alternative may be worse, said Green. "Silence about these things is a recipe for crisis."
Baila Lazarus is a freelance writer, photographer and illustrator living in Vancouver. Her work can be seen at www.orchiddesigns.net.
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