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February 4, 2005
How not to marry the wrong person
Questions that you should consider when you're deciding whether
or not to spend your life with someone.
RABBI DOV HELLER
Love may be blind, but blind love is not the way to choose a spouse.
Here are some practical tools for making a sensible choice. With
the divorce rate at more than 50 per cent in the United States,
too many people are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding
who to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a "statistic,"
try to internalize these 10 insights.
1. The person you pick is wrong for you because you expect him/her
to change after you're married. This is a classic mistake. Never
marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with
the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague
of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to
change after their married ... for the worse!" So, when it
comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene,
communication skills and personal habits, make sure you can live
with these as they are now.
2. The person you pick is wrong for you because you focus more
on chemistry than on character. Beware of the "I'm in love"
syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust."
Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's
character? Here are four traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing"
is more important than personal comfort?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people?
How do they treat people they don't have to be nice to? Do they
do volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what they say
they are going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like themself? Do they enjoy life? Are
they emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to
have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out
like him or her?
3. The person you pick is wrong for you because the man doesn't
understand what a woman needs most. Men and women have unique
emotional needs and, more often than not, it is the man who just
doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on
the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy
them. This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to sexual intimacy.
The Torah obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his
wife: sexual intimacy is always on the woman's terms.
4. The person you pick is wrong for you because you do not share
common life goals and priorities. Make sure you share the deeper
level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage,
the two of you will either grow together or apart. To avoid growing
apart, you must figure out what you're "living for," while
you're single – and then find someone who has come to the same
conclusion as you. This is the true definition of "soulmates"
– two people who ultimately share the same understanding of
life's purpose and, therefore, share the same priorities, values
and goals.
5. The person you pick is wrong for you because you get involved
sexually too quickly. Sexual involvement before the commitment
of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully
honest exploration of important issues. Sexual involvement tends
to cloud one's mind – and a clouded mind is not inclined to
make good decisions.
It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to
find out if a couple is sexually compatible. If you do your homework
and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible,
you don't have to worry about sexual compatibility. Of all the studies
done on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as a main
reason why people divorce.
6. The person you pick is wrong for you because you do not have
a deeper emotional connection with this person. To evaluate
whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do
I respect and admire this person?" This does not mean, "Am
I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes.
We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should
be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination,
etc.
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Are
they emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on them?"
7. The person you pick is wrong for you because you choose someone
with whom you don't feel emotionally safe. Ask yourself the
following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this
person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with them? Does
this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really
close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person
you marry makes you feel the same way.
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you
need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other
person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and
opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other
person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign
of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always
trying to change you. There's a big difference between "controlling"
and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your
benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
8. The person you pick is wrong for you because you don't put
everything on the table. Anything that bothers you about the
relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the
uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two
of you communicate, negotiate and work together. Over the course
of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know
now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences
and find compromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid
to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for
you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't
be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
9. The person you pick is wrong for you because you use the relationship
to escape from personal problems and unhappiness. If you are
unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too.
Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems.
If anything, it will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with
yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while
you are single. You'll feel better and your future spouse will thank
you.
10. The person you pick is wrong for you because they are involved
in a triangle. To be "triangulated" means a person
is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying
to develop another relation- ship. A person who hasn't separated
from his or her parents is the classic example. People can also
be triangulated with things such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies,
sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of
triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally
available to you. You will not be their first priority. And that's
no basis for a marriage.
Rabbi Dov Heller, a licensed marriage and family therapist,
is director of the Aish Hatorah Counselling Centre in Los Angeles
and, in addition to teaching for Aish Hatorah (www.aish.com),
he runs a private practice specializing in adult psychotherapy,
marriage counselling and personal guidance. This article was distributed
by the Kaddish Connection Network ([email protected]).
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