How to talk to kids about money

RAHEL MUSLEAH SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH BULLETIN

Jessye Waxman, 10, and her brother Avir, 6, each have three piggy banks for depositing portions of their allowance. Following a family tradition, 10 per cent goes to tzedakah and 20 per cent to savings. The rest is for spending.

"You teach kids to make decisions for themselves," says their mother, Eve Keller, associate professor of English at Fordham University in New York. "The most important thing is to act responsibly, with money and everything else."

Keller does not view her philosophy as specific to Judaism. In fact, many of us perceive money as the most secular of subjects, and tithing, specifically, as a Christian concept. But money, and how to use it, is actually an essential Jewish value dating back to the Bible. Abraham was the first to offer a tithe. (Genesis 14:20) That "10th of everything" has become a guideline for how much tzedakah to give.

Tzedakah pops up as a priority in any conversation about Judaism and money. Rabbi Mordecai Liebling teaches his five children – ages 9, 11, 14, 17 and 21 – that the joy of giving exceeds the joy of receiving. As in many traditional households, the family puts money in a tzedakah box every week before lighting Shabbat candles. On one of the nights of Chanukah, they empty the box, count the money and discuss where it should go.

Liebling says the Torah contains more mitzvot relating to money and business ethics than any other subject. The rabbi is director of Torah of Money at the Shefa Fund, which promotes socially responsible giving and investing. He urges parents to discuss giving – or not giving – to homeless people.

"If your kids see you are not giving, you need to explain why you are walking past," he explains. "You can say that you give to a social service agency or a shelter, but if you don't give the child an explanation, what message are you sending?"

Kids' tzedakah isn't always left up to volunteerism. Most synagogues now require a percentage of bar mitzvah gifts to be earmarked for good causes. Danny Siegel, a tzedakah pioneer, calls the trend a "revolution." As founder and chairman of the Ziv Tzedakah Fund, Siegel lectures throughout the country on the importance of giving.

When kids ask what kind of project they can do, Siegel responds, "What do you like to do? What are you good at? Who do you know?" Whether it's computers or sports or manicures, there's surely a mitzvah project lurking within. Through its newsletter and Web site (www.ziv.org), Ziv publicizes its "mitzvah heroes" – kids and adults who have organized creative ways of giving.

Avoiding the guilt trip

"Don't tie giving tzedakah to obligation, or expectation of reward," advises Adriane Berg, a financial planner, stockbroker and author of numerous books on personal finance. "If you say to a kid, 'Give something, look how much you have,' it's a guilt trip off the bat. Instead say, 'Give because it's a kick; it's terrific.' That's it." Nine years ago, Berg and her son Arthur, who was then 11, wrote The Totally Awesome Money Book for Kids, followed by The Totally Awesome Business Book for Kids (just reissued by Newmarket).

"Like any other coping skill, financial poise comes from feelings of competence best learned in childhood," says Berg. "The key is to constantly give kids situations they can master." Because few schools teach money skills – a situation Berg deplores – parents have to create their own avenues to make it interesting and fun. When, at the age of eight, Arthur asked for help reading the stock market pages, Berg bought a book of symbols published by the Wall Street Journal, and explained it to him.

"It was a game-like code – and a great bonding experience," she recalls. She then began an online account for him, and he bought a few dollars worth of a stock he was interested in – Blockbuster Video. "Once he made money, he got it," Berg said. Today, her daughter Rosie, 10, gets a monthly Disney dividend statement festooned with Mickey Mouse.

Set a good example

Talking to kids about money is like any other parenting issue, according to Allan Gonsher, child therapist, rabbi and author of An Allowance is Not a Bribe: And Other Helpful Hints for Raising Responsible Jewish Children (Aronson).

"Parents have to be ready to say, 'This is what I believe,' even though the Goldbergs and Kleins don't do it this way. It's about being able to say no." Lay the foundation early, Gonsher suggests. "Don't get elephants and clowns for a third birthday party. Set boundaries, so when kids go to college and have access to credit cards, they will know how to limit themselves."

Engage your kids in direct, honest and age-appropriate conversations, but don't confuse talking about money with lecturing about money, warn Eileen and Jon Gallo in Silver Spoon Kids: How Successful Parents Raise Responsible Kids (Contemporary Books). "It's all too easy to start a money conversation and end up with a lecture that incorporates the following: 'Money doesn't grow on trees' or 'Do you think I'm made of money?' "

Whether we choose to address it directly or not, we can't help but teach our kids – by example. "By observing how we handle money, children reach conclusions about what is important in their family – appearance, possessions, education, philanthropy," says Gail Josephson Lipsitz, the director of community relations for the Jewish Family Services of Central Maryland and author of Practical Parenting: A Jewish Perspective (Ktav). Lipsitz says in her book, "Money is a wonderful vehicle for parents to teach children values and prepare them for adult life. In learning to manage money, children gain experience in planning, making choices, taking responsibility and being independent."

Issues of allowance

One of the thorniest of challenges is a child's allowance: How much to give; whether it should be tied to chores or behavior. Lipsitz's son David held his first job at age eight. He picked up nuts that fell off a tree in a neighbor's yard-for a penny apiece. David graduated to mowing lawns and, after his bar mitzvah, being a Torah tutor. From his earnings, he paid in part for a Jewish summer camp program, as well, the Maccabi games in Israel.

Gonsher believes adamantly that only an "I love you" allowance, independent of what or how kids do, is appropriate. Otherwise allowance can become a source of friction. Once parents and kids discuss what allowance covers, parents should not bail kids out. Kids can earn supplemental money by doing optional chores – like cleaning cabinets before Passover.

Once they have grasped the basics of money, children today can even receive training in how to be a philanthropist at forums that have sprung up recently. The Jewish Youth Philanthropy Institute, working with teenagers in the Washington, D.C., area, asks its 24 eighth- and ninth-grade participants to each contribute $500, usually from bar and bat mitzvah gifts. The institute matches each for a total of $24,000. Participants meet with local Jewish organizations, consider grant requests and determine where they want the money to go.

Talking to kids about money is both a practical and spiritual consideration for parents. As Berg points out, a person earning a minimum wage and working a regular work week from age 25 to 65 will handle about half a million dollars in a lifetime. "Fiscal responsibility," he says, "goes to the core of our obligation to God and other human beings."

Rahel Musleah is an award-winning journalist and author who presents programs on Jewish India, where she was born. You can find her Web site at www.rahelsjewishindia.com.

^TOP