Please excuse our bias

Purim Editorial (spoof)

There has been some concern recently about a perceived editorial slant in the Bulletin. Numerous members of the public have expressed the view that this newspaper has given voice to people with divergent opinions. Having reviewed the last several issues of the paper, our editorial staff has concluded that these complaints are absolutely correct. Therefore, we feel it necessary to clarify our official position on a number of contentious issues.

Everything is fine. The Jewish community in Greater Vancouver has no problems of any major sort. Only good things happen here. Our communal agencies are infallible. Any criticism whatsoever is superfluous, because, in case you didn't get it earlier, everything is fine.

We all agree. There are no points of disagreement within the Jewish community. Anyone who says there are disagreements are not real Jews. We don't know what they are, exactly, but they're not Jews like us. They might be aliens. If so, please, take us away from here.

Israel is always right. Anyone who says otherwise is always wrong.

We are all at the exact centre of the religious spectrum. Anyone to the right of us is meshugenah. Anyone to the left of us is a goy.

Things should be as they have always been. Nothing changed when we were younger. Why should it change now?

We have also taken seriously advice from readers and former readers who would like to see changes in the content of the paper. Having listened to every voice on the subject, all future issues of the paper will reflect the following changes:

We will have more recipes. We will reduce and increase the amount of international and community coverage. We will have more stories about your children and fewer stories about other people's children. The paper will strive to be more and less religious in nature. Coverage of the arts will be eliminated and enhanced.

We will significantly increase the editorial-to-advertising ratio without a thought to the economic consequences.

In keeping with readers' preferences, our writers will strive to be more informal and humorous, while maintaining the strict formality and gravity for which the Bulletin has become known.

All tasteless puns will be completely removed from Alex Kliner's Menschenings column while, at the same time, the entire space will be given over to further stretches of bad Yiddish idioms and linguistic trickery.

Self-references in Kyle Berger's writing will be completely eliminated and replicated weekly.

Pat Johnson will cease and continue covering community events, due to the fact that his writing is despised and beloved by readers.

Due to popular demand, Cynthia Ramsay will continue to sing at a wide variety of popular and unpopular venues inside and outside the Jewish community, while at the same time, ceasing all further engagements.

Effective immediately, all requests for editorial coverage will go through the advertising department and event coverage will be based solely on amount of advertising purchased. Editor Baila Lazarus will, from now on, do exactly what the advertising representatives tell her to do.

Complaints will continue to be handled by our office staff with politeness and disdain. If you feel your concerns have not been adequately dealt with, our owners will be pleased and disgruntled to discuss the issue with you further and more abruptly.

The Bulletin holds a sacred and profane position in the community and we will strive with all our exhaustion to serve you better and less adequately.

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