Personal meaning from the Torah

MALKA RAPPAPORT SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH BULLETIN

My friend and mentor, Henia Wineberg, recently asked me what factors have inspired and brought me to observance. We were on our way to a shiur (lesson) and there was not enough time to share the depth and breadth of my experience with her at the time. There is a complex set of factors, seven in fact, which have led me along this path over the course of five years. When I arrived home, I decided to write it all down. Perhaps I will write a book one day about my return, my teshuvah experience, and all my early learnings and advice about becoming observant. As for my path to teshuvah....

The first glimmer for me was exposure to observant Judaism through my sister, Leslie. Leslie had just returned from living for two years in Israel, where she had taken a Discovery workshop and been introduced to Yiddishkeit through Aish Hatorah. While visiting Toronto for the summer, I was privileged to spend Shabbat with her and her Aish rebbetzins, Esther Shore and Lori Palatnik, and their families. Leslie also took me to a number of shiurim led by Palatnik. I realized at this time that the Judaism I had rejected as a teenager was only one style of Judaism, one that involved going through the motions, but without the wealth of wisdom, guidance and the meaning of Torah. I realized that there was so much more to Judaism, which I never knew could be so beautiful, enlightening and uplifting. I wanted to learn more and decided I'd like to travel to Israel and study in a women's yeshivah.

Then I was struck with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS). I spent many months completely bedridden, followed by two years of extreme limitation. I was not able to do all the activities to which I was accustomed, pursuits that, up until this time, had been my primary sources of joy and identity. I was unable to work, to teach and to do sports and outdoor pursuits, namely swim, bike, hike, climb, kayak, ski, camp and mountaineer. I was not even able to putter in my garden. I was unsure if I would ever be able to do these activities again and I went through a sort of identity crisis. There was a period of time during which I didn't know who I was anymore. My entire identity had been wrapped up in these activities: I was a teacher, an athlete, an outdoorswoman. If I couldn't be these things, then who was I and who could I be? I thought I would have to re-invent myself, and I set out to do so.

Most unexpectedly, I ended up discovering who I really am underneath all my pursuits and activities. I discovered an underlying spirit of exploration that made me into a person who has always loved learning, loved exploring the backcountry and loved being out of doors. If my primary mode of expression to this point had been physical, then I would have to learn new ways of expressing my spirit and relating to the world. If I could not explore the world physically, then I could explore it spiritually. I could still be the person I have always been, only I would now explore and develop my spiritual side.

In addition, I recognized that I am a Jew and a Jewish woman, but what did this mean? I set out on a quest to find out. I started going to classes, asking questions of rabbis and rebbetzins, reading everything I could get my hands on and thinking deeply. I've grown to believe that to be a Jew is to be a bright light; to bring Godliness into the world; to live a life devoted to the doing of mitzvot and the learning and teaching of Torah. And to be a Jew also means to be a survivor. I felt that if my ancestors could survive slavery, exile and the Holocaust, then I can survive freedom and I have a responsibility to do so.

In my studies, I learned that a Jewish woman plays a central role in the survival of the Jewish people in many ways but especially through the keeping of the three mitzvot entrusted to women, namely, lighting Shabbat candles, which symbolizes the keeping of Shabbat; separating challah, symbolizing keeping kosher; and the mikvah, symbolizing keeping the laws of family purity. I decided that I would like to take upon myself the mitzvah of kashrut, that this would be a very personal and meaningful way for me to express my identity as a Jewish woman. I started little by little, one step at a time. It was a year-long process of study and preparation that culminated in the kashering of my kitchen. (I'll have to tell the story of this adventure on another occasion!) After putting up a mezuzah in my doorway with the help of my rabbi, kashrut was the next step towards observance.

This was just the tip of the iceberg, however. I discovered part of my Jewishness buried deep inside of me that had been suppressed for many years and was yearning to come out. One therapy I've tried while I've had CFS is acupuncture. During a session I will never forget, the therapist manipulated a needle in my foot causing extreme pain. It was so painful that I could not even yell or speak. Finally, a yelp rose up from deep inside me in the form of a resounding "oy!" I had not said the word in more than 20 years. But when I was squeezed, that's what came out of me. I realized then that Yiddishkeit is in my blood, it's a part of my genetic make-up.

The more Torah I learn and the more observant I become, the more Torah resonates within me. All objects have a specific frequency at which they'll resonate. When a wind blows at the right frequency, even a bridge will resonate. This resonance occurs in the form of a standing wave, which is perfectly harmonized in height, depth and breadth. Hashem's breath, Torah, is the wind which resonates my Jewish soul. It has only been through embracing Torah that I have experienced an inner sense of balance and harmony. I feel I have come home, that this is where I belong. It's how I imagine a butterfly must feel upon emerging from a cocoon. Before Torah, my Jewish soul was dormant, sleeping. Now, for the first time in my life, it's awake and I've never felt more alive.

I have been searching for a long time; all my life, in fact. I've searched for a purpose to life and have been haunted by the belief that there has to be more than just going through the motions of career, hobbies, friends, marriage and family. There was something I was searching for but was never able to find in other belief systems or in the secular world. What I have been searching so long for I have found in Torah and Yiddishkeit, which have filled my life with meaning and have sanctified and elevated all the big and little details of life.

I find Torah to be intellectually stimulating and spiritually uplifting. It has provided a source of wisdom, guidance and a moral centre that have been previously lacking in my life. And I have discovered I have a passion for Torah - I can't get enough of it. Learning Torah is such a joy. I've discovered a Judaism that is incredibly rich and full of beauty. The outcome is a heartfelt desire to fill my life and, God willing, the life of my family, with the light of Torah. This is just the beginning for me, and I believe, as my father says, that the best is yet to come.

Malka Rappaport is a freelance writer living in Vancouver.

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