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Dec. 7, 2007
A dysfunctional family
Author desperately seeks love and repentance.
ELAINE KLINER
The Rabbi's Daughter: A Memoir
By Reva Mann
The Dial Press, October 2007. 368 pages.
$24 US.
Although The Rabbi's Daughter by Reva Mann is subtitled "a memoir," it reads more like a novel. Moving through the years from her childhood to what I must assume were her mid-30s, her story, for the most part, is in chronological order. Events spanning these decades are described in verbatim dialogue and, as in a novel, I was drawn into her life and feelings.
The book opens with a quote from the Rambam, "How do you know if you have succeeded in repenting fully? You find yourself in a similar situation, where you sinned in the past but now you do not sin." It then details the "lengthy journey" Mann had to take before being able to begin "the true process of repentance."
Mann is the granddaughter of the head of the Rabbinic Court of Israel and the daughter of a London Orthodox rabbi who has accommodated modernity into his daily life. Her mother rejects the role of rebbitzin in favor of the latest fashions. Their first daughter, Michelle, who is four years older than Reva, is brain-damaged, but a young Reva sees her as a wonderful playmate. Michelle is institutionalized at the age of 12.
Struggling to cope with this unsettling family circumstance and the guilt it produced, the parents withdraw into themselves: the father, "rigid with denial"; the mother, frequently in states of depression, turns to prescription drugs to "deaden her feelings." In so doing, they withdraw their love and caring from Reva, not taking into account her reaction to the loss of her sister and the feeling of loneliness that their withdrawal inevitably causes her. From this point on, the memoir brings to mind the song lyric "lookin' for love in all the wrong places."
After a period of drugs and mindless sex, Mann has an epiphany, where she recognizes that "God is everywhere." She feels that God is sending her to a yeshivah and so enters a ba'al teshuvah yeshivah in Israel. Wanting to emulate the joy she observed while sharing Shabbat dinner with a frum (observant) family, she feels her loneliness would be eased if she were to build a "holy Jewish family." Mann then marries Simcha, a newly observant man. He doesn't provide the love and intimacy she desperately wants, nor does he satisfy her sexual needs. Simcha "clings solely to the divine." After the birth of their three children, Mann has a brief affair and the marriage is annulled.
This troubled period in her life is followed by a long affair with Sam, a secular Israeli. With explicit detail, Mann sets down the depth of their relationship, their sexual practices, their drug use. During this time, Mann is diagnosed with breast cancer and she relates her struggle with the disease and the invasive treatments she undergoes. Both Simcha and Sam support her during this harrowing time. Unexpectedly, at the shivah for his father, Sam turns away from Mann and towards Simcha, who brings to him the comfort of religious practice during this time of mourning.
Mann's descriptions of her father, mother, husband and lover and her interactions with them, are so vivid they became complete people in my mind. Interestingly, however, Mann does not draw her children to the same degree. In some situations, they are not mentioned at all and, at other times, her needs take precedence, by far, over those of her children. Mann wears "immodest" clothes and allows her lover to "share her bed" without considering how the children will react to the dichotomy between their father's religious home, where they spend their weekends, and hers. I sometimes wanted to say to her, "Reva! Look at your children! They may be feeling as lonely as you felt with your parents!"
Mann's relationship with God is complicated. She was caught between her desire to adhere to strict observance of His laws and her desire for more personal freedom. Her "lengthy journey," difficult as it was, ultimately leads her to find peace within herself and her place in Judaism ... one that, perhaps, is echoed in the life of many of us.
Mann dedicates her book to the memory of Dr. Alfred Seyman (Gershon), "who encouraged me to say it like it is." And indeed she did.
Elaine Kliner has had a varied career in merchandising, education and as a child-care consultant.
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