|
|
April 1, 2005
What is a perfect errand?
Your husband/teen shopping for you is a mitzvah to applaud.
EMUNA BRAVERMAN
Making sure that your spouse feels loved and appreciated is a lot
more important than getting the right brand of detergent.
Do you discover five extra bags of potato chips when you send your
husband to the grocery store? Does he bring home a whole case of
tuna because it was on sale and the more expensive toilet paper
because it's softer? And who put beer, peanuts and chocolate on
the list?
Our first reaction is all too often frustration. Is he part of some
vast male conspiracy dedicated to sabotaging shopping efforts?
Or, is it possible, just possible, that he tried his best? That
he thought he was doing you a favor. That he was really trying to
help out. That he was hurt that you responded with criticism instead
of appreciation.
When Noah sent the dove out to look for dry land, the dove came
back empty-handed. Afraid that, due to this failure of accomplishment,
she would not be allowed back in the ark, the verse says the dove
returned to the ark as opposed to into the ark. The
dove kept her distance. But Noah reached out, took her in his hand
and brought her back inside. Noah recognized the effort, not the
accomplishment.
The Almighty rewards our efforts, not our accomplishments, and He
teaches us how we should treat others.
Wasn't it thoughtful of your husband to shop for you? Didn't he
take time out of his busy schedule at your request? Isn't this an
expression of love and caring?
If you reward it with disgruntled attacks, not only will you ensure
that he never enters another grocery store again (is that really
the goal?), but you will damage your marriage on a much deeper level.
Your spouse will feel unappreciated and unloved. Wouldn't it be
preferable to just use a different brand of detergent? To swallow
the cost of the case of soda and to applaud his generosity?
The same thing happens with teenagers. I find that errands involving
using the car are the ones they're most excited to do. And grocery
shopping hasn't yet lost its charm. But they always seem to buy
the wrong brands. Do I criticize them? Sometimes. Do I suffer in
martyred silence? Sometimes. Do I appreciate their kindness and
their desire to help? Rarely. Do I tell them I value their contribution
to the household? Almost never.
Under such circumstances how long will their desire last?
I've noticed that most math teachers these days give credit for
the process as well as the correct answer. If a student understands
the steps and the formula but makes a careless mistake, all is not
lost. If our children or spouse try to help and it's not done perfectly,
shouldn't they also get credit for the process?
The Talmud teaches that, if you make an effort to do a mitzvah and
you are prevented by circumstances beyond your control from completing
it, you get credit for the mitzvah.
If you go to visit a sick person in his hospital bed and find him
asleep, you get credit for the mitzvah. If a family member does
an errand for us and he too is prevented by circumstances beyond
his control (i.e. he can't read our minds) from its perfect fulfilment,
doesn't he deserve the same credit?
And who says it wasn't perfect fulfilment? Perhaps his desire to
help and give to us is about as perfect as it gets.
Emuna Braverman of Aish Hatorah Resources (www.aish.com)
has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a master's in
psychology from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband
and nine children in Los Angeles. When she isn't writing for the
Internet or taking care of her family, she teaches classes on Judaism,
organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbat guests.
This article was distributed by the Kaddish Connection Network (kcnnet1@hotmail.com).
^TOP
|
|
