Deuteronomy's take on divorce

LORIE KLEINER ECKERT SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH BULLETIN

Divorce is a Mitzvah, A Practical Guide to Finding Wholeness and Holiness When Your Marriage Dies
By Rabbi Perry Netter
Jewish Lights, Vermont, 2002. 176 pages. $16.95 US

When I got divorced, I had no black eye, broken bones or stitches to explain my need to leave the marriage. Neither did I have racing forms, scads of lottery tickets, empty booze bottles or traces of lipstick on his collar to offer an explanation. With all due respect to those who have suffered such horrors, I have always felt that in some ways their divorces were "easier" than mine because at least they had something tangible to show others, while my situation – emptiness at the core of the marriage – left nothing for others to see. Feeling this way, I was interested to read a new book on divorce by Rabbi Perry Netter, where right up with the big three – spousal abuse, substance abuse and infidelity – he lists loneliness as an acceptable reason for divorce. Actually, "interested" isn't quite the right word. I was shocked that a rabbi would espouse such an idea – and infinitely comforted.

For anyone considering a divorce, for those in the throes of one or for those still recovering from one, the title of Netter's book alone will lighten your burden: Divorce is a Mitzvah, A Practical Guide to Finding Wholeness and Holiness When Your Marriage Dies. In the book, Netter tells us what Judaism has to say about divorce. He also discusses the related topics of love, marriage, anger and loneliness, using stories from the Torah to make his points. But as anyone who has ever read a Torah passage will attest, virtually every word can have multiple translations – or at least nuances – and this rabbi, a divorced man himself, tends to put a spin on these tales that can salve the souls of the divorced.

Evidently, the 24th chapter of Deuteronomy contains the sole biblical statement on divorce. It says, "A man takes a wife and possesses her. She fails to please him because he finds something obnoxious about her, and he writes her a bill of divorcement, hands it to her [and] sends her away from his house." Netter expands on this by saying, "Contrary to the contemporary stereotype, divorce is not a malady of modernity. Divorce has been around as long as there has been marriage. There it [is], in black and white – as much a part of the biblical tradition as the giving of the Ten Commandments and the splitting of the Sea of Reeds."

Even if divorce is permitted, Netter next wonders if it kosher. As he searches for ancient commentary to answer this question, he surprisingly comes up empty-handed except for the 11th-century biblical commentator known as Rashi who said, "Divorce is a mitzvah." Netter admits that such words are scandalous until we understand that "mitzvah" can mean more than just "good deed," it can also mean "obligation." Thus Netter reminds us that there are rituals surrounding divorce that are explained in the Talmud and that if we follow these rituals – and remember to act like mentshen as we do so – we can "go through the crisis without destroying [our souls] in the process." Within these parameters, Netter tells us, "divorce is painful, it is tragic, it is certainly heartbreaking. But it is not a moral infraction."

If Netter had only said that divorce is a part of biblical tradition it would have been enough. And if he had only said that divorce is not a sin, it would have been enough. But as I have mentioned, he also lists loneliness as suitable grounds for divorce, thereby addressing all three balls of divorce guilt I have been juggling.

Starting with the story of Adam, he tells us that God first created animals as companions for Adam but this did not assuage Adam's loneliness. Neither was God's presence enough. Thus Eve was created to be a source of "companionship, warmth, tenderness, support, affection and intimacy." Right there on page 57, Netter tells us that "if [he reads] the story of Adam and Eve correctly, God does not intend for us to spend our lives with someone with whom intimacy is not possible. God did not create us to live with chronic loneliness.... This is not God's plan for us."

I am sure that there are other scholars who will say that Netter has indeed read his Torah stories incorrectly, but even so, his words comfort me. As a person who has made the suffered choice to divorce, I thank him for his compassionate translations and for this courageous book.

Lorie Kleiner Eckert is a nationally syndicated singles columnist. Her book, I Need a Man's Pants to Wash, contains 52 essays on the single life. She can be reached at P.O. Box 714, Loveland, Ohio, 45140, or at [email protected].

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