Renovating with in-laws

JAMIE BONHAM SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH BULLETIN

One year, five months and 12 days. That's how long it took my wife and father-in-law to construct a four-foot long box for keeping sweaters. In the time it took them to co-operatively build that box, I could have knit enough sweaters to fill two boxes. It was the classic case of the irresistible force meeting the immovable object; the workshop still resonates with the sounds of two heads butting.

This causes me great concern as my wife and I embark on a much larger project, that of renovating our newly bought, fixer-upper home. Already my father-in-law has been overheard talking animatedly about all the things "we" are going to do to the house. I smell trouble.

Parental help with home improvements is always a catch-22. While the parents often offer help, both physical and monetary, there is an unwritten rider attached to the offer that states that they will have a say in what goes on, whether it be the color of the kitchen cabinets or the best way to strip a wood floor. In the case of my father-in-law, he's got a lot of tools and he can't wait to use them. I have visions of our new home turning into a battleground of interior decorating philosophies, with my wife and father-in-law jousting over the best way to level our skewed basement floor while I take cover in the sweater box. I decided to gather survival tips from a friend, who just had her mother "help" her with redecorating her condo, to see if she had any advice on renovating with parents.

Sue (names have been changed to keep family harmony) found herself in that familiar position of being indebted to her parents due to their generosity but wishing that there could have been another way. Sue's parents provided significant help with the downpayment for her condo, for which she is eternally grateful. However, she has had to handle a sizable amount of input from her parents on stylistic decisions. In fact, her mother actually flew in from Toronto in order to ensure that the redecorating went smoothly. When you live in a one-bedroom condo, there are no neutral corners when disputes arise.

"All in all, things went smoothly, relatively speaking," said Sue from her freshly refinished home. "No blood was shed, I'm still in the will, and my place looks a lot better."

She did have some simple advice about task delegation that she said helps to "keep them occupied so that they're distracted from what's going on elsewhere."
For example, Sue yielded control of the kitchen design to her mother, letting her loose on colors and other decorative highlights (plants, tea towels, etc.). This seemed like a logical step since Sue's mother was far more familiar with kitchens than Sue was and, to her mother, the kitchen was the most important room in the house. This decision, combined with the proper flattery ("you just know so much more than me on this stuff"), allowed Sue to slip in the metallic gold paint for the bedroom without too much debate.

She also had some more devious tips.

"I let my mother design and make curtains for all the windows," she said. "That way, if I didn't like them I could just take them down, store them in the closet, and pull them out again the next time she visits."

Of course, this only really works if your parents live out of town, otherwise there's the unappealing possibility of getting caught with the wrong drapes. I'm thinking this tactic might work for my father-in-law. We'll get him to design the renovations for the basement suite, that way if we decide to ditch his ideas he'll never know, we'll just have to make sure the suite is never vacant.

After talking with Sue I came to the realization that renovating with parents doesn't have to be painful. It's important to remember that parents are only annoying you because they love you, and that they are genuinely trying to help, even if they do make you crazy.

And in the end, that sweater box really does look nifty.

Jamie Bonham is a freelance writer living in Vancouver.

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