The three words of self-doubt

YOSSI IVES

People confuse desire with determination. You may well like to run a marathon. Whether you do or not will depend not on whether you desire that achievement, but whether you are committed to it and are determined to succeed. How much do you want to achieve it? How motivated are you? You say you want to realize your ambition, but how serious are you? I can tell you one thing for sure – the chance that you will reach your goal is not predicated on your genuine interest in that achievement but on whether you can muster real drive and enthusiasm. Dearly wishing for something is not the same as being dead serious about accomplishing it.

I know people who would love to start their own business or write a book, and I don’t doubt their sincerity. I also doubt that it will ever happen. Why? Because only when an idea changes from a dream to a concrete goal, complete with a detailed plan of action, will things start to happen. Why do so many truly great ideas prove unsuccessful? A key reason is that in our own minds we are undermining ourselves; we are subverting our own success. Are we prepared to believe in ourselves?

Your choice of words has the ability to reveal what you are really thinking. Here are three words to look out for: if, try and but. Use them and you may get caught red-handed practising self-doubt. These expressions usually indicate that you don’t believe what you are saying, so what chance do you have of bringing your goal to fruition?

If: “If I finally manage to get my act together, I will have an amazing business plan.” If? What kind of language is that? I thought you were serious? Not if, when! I thought you said it was a great plan! So why start with if? I have no idea what your business plan says, but unless you wholeheartedly go for it, there’s an excellent chance it will remain one big if.

If is ... iffy. Ban that word! If can imply choice, but often it simply means that you doubt it will ever happen. Our sages say (Talmud Kiddushin 40a) that God regards a positive intention as if it were an action. Why? Because if you have serious intent, it will most likely result in action. Any disbelief, whether in God or yourself, is problematic. Is there something you would like to do? Then do it! On various occasions in the Bible, the Hebrew word for if (im) actually means when – I guess if is not always an option.

Try: “I will try to get my office sorted out before I am literally submerged under my papers.” What do you mean by try? Are you or are you not going to clear out your office? No one in the history of the planet has ever tried to clean out his office – he either did or he didn’t.

The word try presupposes failure. The word try is often used when there is an expectation of defeat. You are not going to try to tackle your office deluge – you will tackle it! I cannot guarantee you’ll succeed, but I can guarantee that if you try to do it, you won’t. You don’t try to do your accounts, you just do it. To achieve a goal, don’t try, just do.

As Yoda said in The Empire Strikes Back: “Do, or do not. There is no try.”

Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kotzk (1767-1859), known as the Kotzker Rebe, said: “To say, ‘I wish to do it,’ is a bad trait; to say, ‘I will do it’ is better; to say ‘I am doing it’ is a good trait.” With God’s help, you will succeed.

But: “I am committed to working my way through this computer manual, but I need to get a few things sorted out first.” The word but is the verbal equivalent of the reverse gear in your car. It negates whatever is said before. But is a great eraser. It rubs out whatever positive intentions you had expressed previously.

If a friend says to you: “Goldie, you’re looking great today, but it’s a shame about the hairstyle,” she would have been better saying nothing. When someone says, “Yes, but ...” you know the emphasis is on the but, not the yes. When you are expressing your positive affirmation, there is no but. Don’t use the word again in such contexts.

Changing your language is not a panacea, but it is an essential ingredient. When we speak, even if no one listens to a word we say, the brain pays close attention. It registers the caveats, the hesitation, the doubt. It sends out a message to your body: don’t overexert yourself; this guy’s not serious. So, start speaking as if you mean it. No ifs, ands or buts.

Rabbi Yossi Ives serves the Richmond Synagogue in London, and has held rabbinical positions around the world. He is also the founder of Magen David Adom’s International College of Emergency Medicine and the London-based Centre of Jewish Social Values. He is a qualified life coach, specializing in social-cognitive performance motivation and he has written a Hebrew work on kabbalistic cosmology. This article was originally published by Aish Hatorah Resources and was excerpted from his book There Must Be a Better Way (Devora Publishing, 2008).

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