Time to reflect on self

PAM ATNIKOV

“Last night as I was sleeping / I dreamt – marvelous error! – that I had a beehive / here inside my heart / And golden bees were making white combs / and sweet honey / from my old failures.” (Antonio Machado)

The High Holidays provide an exquisite opportunity to engage in the process of self-examination and self-improvement. This process calls forth what is best in us and it readies us to experience the sweetness of the new year. We can begin again with renewed self-respect and optimism, having undergone the psychological and spiritual work of teshuvah.

At this time of year, we look at how we have fallen short of our expectations. We explore how we may have hurt ourselves, hurt others and been hurt. And, through the practice of forgiveness, a complex and often painful process, we then can recognize the wrongs, take responsibility for what has happened, gain insight into what needs to change and in the changing begin to believe in ourselves once again.

Self-forgiveness is the necessary starting place. We cannot truly forgive others unless we forgive ourselves. Being able to forgive ourselves for our faults can facilitate our ability to forgive others by enabling us to see the other, not just as a mere offender or aggressor but as a fellow human being who, like ourselves, must struggle, sometimes with limited success, to overcome our imperfections.

Our work may benefit by reviewing the following categories of self-forgiveness:

• Do we blame ourselves for not succeeding at one of life’s important tasks?

• Do we blame ourselves for not taking necessary actions to help ourselves or someone else?

• Do we blame ourselves for hurting another person?

• Do we blame ourselves for self-destructive behaviors such as addictions?

• Do we blame ourselves for having an ailing body or mental health issues?

What comes up for you? Take your time. Start with the small stuff. And ask yourself if your error is in fact an error. Are you sure?

By identifying ways in which we have fallen short and allowing ourselves to experience the painful feelings that are triggered, we can then experience a willingness to change, if possible, and develop the knowledge and self-confidence to do so.

This is hard and important work. This business of forgiveness requires a great deal of inner strength. It is often a long and arduous path that requires much self-examination and discomfort. May we continue our journey with gentleness, taking it step by step. Given our humanness, it is the only means to proceed with the business of growing and loving.

Pam Atnikov is a Vancouver-based counselor and psychotherapist. For further thoughts on forgiveness, visit pamatnikov.com.

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