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October 1, 2004
How does he treat mom?
Son's family values are sending up warning signs.
DANA GREENE SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH BULLETIN
He hasn't spoken with his mom in three years!" Carrie was
in shock as she confided this to me, raising her steaming cappuccino
to her lips, almost forgetting that it needed a few minutes to cool.
We were at a local café, catching up with each other's lives,
and her latest story had me thinking. So I asked her, "Well,
why hasn't he spoken with his mother in all those years?"
"I don't know," Carrie responded. "He mentioned she
was a bit flighty, silly and never got him decent birthday presents."
"And you want to date this guy?" I responded. "He
sounds like a jerk."
"Well, we have a lot in common. We could be soulmates. He's
cute and fun to be with. Plus how many Jewish guys do you know who
own an airplane?"
"He might have all that," I said, "but he certainly
doesn't believe in family values if he's not honoring his mother.
And once this honeymoon phase of your relationship is over what
will be left? It doesn't sound like he has good standards if he's
not communicating with the woman who gave birth to him," I
responded.
"Aren't you being a little short- sighted?" Carrie shot
back. "I mean you don't even know him," she said.
"I don't have to know him. Look, I'm your friend and I see
a huge red flag. Get out of this relationship," I continued.
"He's not right for you!"
Now you might be wondering why I'm so aware of this particular issue.
To me, it's important how men treat their mothers.
Two weeks after that conversation, Carrie called out of the blue
to say that she'd been dumped via e-mail. His message stated something
about her borrowing $3 from him and she hadn't paid him back. Because
of this fiscal inaction, the e-mail message concluded, Carrie was
financially irresponsible and lacked initiative and independence.
To say the least, she was hurt, as they'd gotten along so nicely
over those few short months. My immediate reaction was to console
my friend. But I also knew this man's immature breakup method somehow
was linked to his lack of respect for his mom.
My rationale? When a person is critical of someone over something
so insignificant, it signifies a much larger issue. Maybe I'm reaching,
but obviously at this man's ripe age of almost 40, he was a dud
for not talking to his mother. Am I wrong here?
Patterns tend to repeat themselves. If a man can't communicate with
his mother what makes you think he can communicate with his wife
or his children? And if a man can't communicate with his mom, maybe
he has a problem with all women? The same can be said for daughters
and dads. A daughter who has poor people skills with her father
may have the same with her husband.
Being overly critical, as Carrie's boyfriend was, can destroy any
relationship. Too much criticism is like too many complaints. People
who find fault ultimately kill a friendship or romantic interest.
Is this accidental or purposefully done as a form of self-sabotage?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Now I realize there's no "perfect" relationship. If there
is a healthy rapport, issues are communicated as they arise and
the involved partners grow together by helping each other in this
development process. While I normally would not comment about a
friend's breakup, I strongly believe that Carrie's "dumping"
was a blessing in disguise.
In Judaism, the Torah commands us to honor our parents, but not
necessarily to love them. However, how do children honor parents
who might not be honorable? Certainly, we can show honor by providing
at least polite communication occasionally.
"Honoring one's parents becomes not only a core mitzvah, but
it can also determine someone's ability to develop meaningful relationships,"
said Rabbi Scott Meltzer of San Diego's Ohr Shalom Synagogue.
"If taken seriously, the commandment to honor one's father
and mother offers the possibility to learn how to give honor to
all of our relationships," Meltzer said. "If I can live
my relationship with my parents steeped in honor and reflective
of my own values, then God willing I can learn to do the same with
siblings, with friends, with dating partners and ultimately as a
spouse and a parent," said the rabbi.
Maybe my friend Carrie learned something from this experience. Last
I heard she had accompanied a new date in search of a present for
his mom. His mother's birthday was only days away and he wanted
to honor her with something special.
Dana Greene is an award-winning columnist based in San Diego. All
singles have a story to tell. You can contact her at [email protected].
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