Coping in the real world

Full-day workshop will deal with women and stress.

PAT JOHNSON REPORTER

Since Sept. 11, the world has not been the same and everyday stresses have been compounded with the realities of how cruel the world can be.

"Basically, this was a critical incident for everybody," said Dr. Georgia Nemetz, the chief of psychology at Royal Columbian Hospital. "It changes your idea of the world."

The added burden of the international situation will be among the topics addressed by Nemetz at a major celebration of women's wellness Nov. 3. The doctor will speak at Bloomers, a full-day conference that will include a trade show of more than two dozen exhibitors offering information on health, nutrition, finances and a range of other topics, followed by a broad range of seminars on subjects as diverse as spirituality, menopause, sex and alternative therapies. The producer and host for the event is Joyce Resin, host of the CBC television program Alive. The keynote speaker is Dr. Elaine Dembe, author of Passionate Longevity and Use the Good Dishes: Finding Joy in Everyday Life.

Nemetz said that the threat of terrorism has brought increased pressure for many people and women may be likely to heap the added burden on an already unwieldy amount of worries. Women are excellent at giving advice to their family and friends on how to stay healthy, safe and happy, but they tend not take their own best advice, said Nemetz. She added that women are assertive when it comes to protecting and caring for their children and families, but they defer when it comes to demanding the things that will keep themselves well.

"When it comes to asking for what they want, women very often tend to figure that others ... would know what they wanted," she said. Moreover, many active women exude a confidence that suggests they can take care of everything, yet they are surprised when they need help and it is not forthcoming.

There are several main inhibitors that women face in controlling their stress, said Nemetz. Women tend to overextend their time and resources. They also tend not to delegate and they seldom prioritize responsibilities.

"A lot of us feel like we can do whatever comes across our plate at any given time," she said.

On top of all this, women are likely to be overcritical of themselves for not living up to idealized versions of the modern wife, mother and working woman. The Martha Stewart image of perfection is a hopeless target, said Nemetz. "None of us measure up to that." Nemetz said that ideals like always being nice and never making mistakes are fine goals for good people, but we have to accept that it is not always possible and that not being nice once in a while does not mean one is intrinsically bad.

Once stress factors are identified, Nemetz has some reasonable steps that can be taken to reduce their impact. A primary step is to check one's expectations with those of others. She said a mother might think that part of her role is to provide fresh-baked cookies to her family, whereas children might not find that a priority. An important factor in managing stress is to recognize that we have more control over it than we believe. She compares today's stress with those of earlier generations, saying our parents and grandparents had similar levels of stress, but the source was notably different.

"I don't know that it was less stressful, I think it was different stressors ... food, clothing, shelter, God forbid I don't want my kids to get polio," she said. "I think it's very, very different." Where previous generations had stress factors that were beyond their control, many of today's stress inducers are caused by striving to attain a certain standard of living that goes well beyond the basics. "If you were in the Depression and couldn't feed your kids, how do you equate that to what we're doing to ourselves now?" she asked. "I think the stresses that we have now are all self-created. We are choosing to live these lifestyles."

Though women often neglect their own needs, Nemetz said they might feel better about taking care of themselves when they consider the effect that their stresses have on the people around them.

"Unless you take care of yourself, you're not going to be a good wife, you're not going to be a good mother, you're not going to be a good daughter, you're not going to be a good partner and you're not going to be good for anything," she said.

Moreover, parents are unconsciously setting examples for their children. If women do not take care of themselves, they are not setting good precedents for their offspring.

"I don't want my daughter working 90 hours a week like I do, doing laundry at midnight," said Nemetz. "And I don't want my son to think that that is what a wife should do."

Along with Nemetz, other speakers include Ramona Josephson on healthy eating and nutrition, Reva Dexter on visualizing where careers should go; Barb Hestrin, who is known as British Columbia's Dr. Ruth; and Barbara Findlay and Dr. Renee Waterman, who will together talk about taking control over one's health decisions through holistic practices and becoming an assertive patient.

For more information on Bloomers, see the Web site www.bloomers.ca.

To register, call 604-731-2428.

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