Goals for healthy parenting

SLOVIE JUNGREIS-WOLFF

We begin the school year with blank notebooks, pages fresh and clean. Backpacks are free of crumbs and leaked drink boxes. Children wake up early in anticipation. We try to get to school a bit before the morning bell and start the year off on the right track.

Slowly, familiar patterns start to appear. The kids go to sleep way past bedtime, waking up in the mornings with just a few moments to spare. Nights spent struggling over homework, studying for tests left to the last minute, assignments forgotten, cliques and social politics – it feels as if we are going backward instead of forward. How can we make this year different from all the others? How can we take our hopes for positive change and turn them into reality?

Transition between summer and school can be difficult for children – and for parents. Any change in life can bring nervousness, worry and irritability. Children often have a hard time adjusting to new situations, unfamiliar teachers and the more rigid schedule during the school year. When feeling overwhelmed, kids may express their emotions through becoming argumentative, fighting more often with siblings or withdrawing into themselves. And parents can find it difficult to keep calm and not lose themselves in anger when things don’t go right.

It is important to consider reachable goals on which to work. When we create a plan, we can do away with unnecessary failures and strive to help our children feel and be more successful. Here are my five parenting goals:

1. Keep my eyes open

Sometimes we notice that something does not feel right with a child but we get distracted. We’re all very busy, it’s true. We have great pressures and responsibilities pulling us in many directions. The child who seems a little “off,” not himself, snappy or more quiet than usual, is trying to tell us something but it is easy to tuck this information away in a back pocket and only pay attention when a crisis occurs. We then think back and recognize that the signs were there; we were just too preoccupied to pay attention.

Don’t allow problems with your child to fester and grow. Open your eyes and observe if a child seems sad, withdrawn, distant, more moody than usual or angry. Recognize if there seems to be greater confrontation between this child and siblings, if friends stop calling or coming over or if the child can’t seem to find his place in school. Before you know it, half the year can go by and what could have been a small problem has now become a “situation” that requires major time and investment, and causes terrible aggravation.

2. Develop a working relationship with teachers

Reach out to your child’s teachers before your child reaches “zero hour.” Many parents feel as if teachers are their opponents and don’t realize that they are there to try and help children grow in the best way possible. If you think that there may be an issue, it’s a good idea to set up a meeting with the teacher and ask how you can work in harmony. Too many parents call teachers to demand and accuse instead of saying that they would like to solve this problem together. Before going to the principal with a complaint, see if you can first diffuse the situation.

If there are any special concerns going on, do not wait for the teacher to find out through your child’s acting up in class or failure to keep up with schoolwork and poor grades.

When a grandparent falls ill, if there is a health issue, financial stress, marital upheaval, problems with siblings or any other factor that may affect your child’s academic or social success, it would be wise to enlist your child’s teacher as your confidential ally and gain her/his understanding. You can believe that most teachers will go the extra mile and extend to your child an open heart.

3. Work on social skills

Help your child be successful this year by preparing him not just academically, but also socially. School is not simply about getting straight As, it is also about learning how to get on with others and knowing how to develop friendships. A child who is happy in school is a child who can focus on studying and doing well. He wants to be there and be a part of things. Believing that school is all about academics and no social life is a big mistake.

How can we better teach our children social skills?

• Set rules and follow through with consequences when needed.

• Set routines for meals and bedtimes that establish stability.

• Develop your child’s ability to put himself in the shoes of others and grow more sensitive.

• Help children learn how to express frustration, disappointment and anger without hurting others or retreating into sullenness.

• Establish basic rules of conduct: no hitting, kicking, biting, spitting, (no hands allowed!) and no hurting others through words.

4. Help children become independent

When children feel as if they are gaining skills and becoming self-sufficient, they grow more confident in their abilities – you’ll watch their self-esteem take off. Each year, every child should be able to point with pride to a newfound skill or added responsibility that comes with age.

We can help our children grow independent and flourish by:

• Teaching children to pick out their clothing, dress themselves as they grow older, tie their own shoes, pack school snacks, make lunches the night before, set their own alarm clocks instead of you waking them up, and having them put away their books and organizing themselves.

• Allow a young child to complete puzzles and feed himself on his own and, as he grows, to do his homework and projects by himself. It is healthier to tell a child that you will check his work when he is done instead of sitting beside him and correcting the answers as he goes along. Book reports and science projects should not be parents’ homework.

• Have your child help around the house and gain responsibilities instead of waiting to be served. Some chores children can help with are putting away laundry, setting and clearing the table, helping to serve guests, baking, cooking and keeping their room in order.

5. Communicate with each child

Our children should never be afraid to speak with us. No matter how tough the topic, even if they messed up badly, they should not fear that we will ever hate them or want to close the door on them. A parent’s love must be unconditional. True, there may be consequences or emotions of disappointment, but they must know that we are here for them. After all, we are their parents and if they cannot believe in our love for them, whose love can they believe in?

Work on communicating with your child this year. I am not just speaking about when you must call him in with a problem like failing grades or after you receive a call from a teacher. I am talking about daily interactions where you share a smile, a good word, a laugh, a story or a meal together. The main thing is that you put the time and energy in so that he knows that he matters in your life.

• Talk to your child every day – even if it’s just for a few minutes.

• Put down your iPhone, turn off your laptop when your child (or you) returns home, at mealtimes and story times, and when you pick your child up from school. Look at him and make eye contact while having a conversation.

• Speak to your child in the tone and with the words that you wish he would use with others.

• Express your love every day, no matter how tough the day.

I know that some days will bring unforeseen difficulties and that some children seem more challenging than others. You will know in your heart, however, that you have tried your best to help your children successfully navigate life.

Slovie Jungreis-Wolff is a freelance writer, and a relationships and parenting instructor. She is the daughter of Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, founder of Hineni International. She has taught Hineni young couples and parenting classes for more than 15 years. Her book, Raising a Child with Soul, is published by St. Martin’s Press. This article was distributed by Kaddish Connection and is reprinted with permission.

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