Surviving Christmas

We continue with our monthly advice columns written by experts from the Jewish Family Service Agency (JFSA). Each month we will tackle a new topic, based on questions sent in by readers (anonymity is assured). Please send your questions to [email protected].

Dear JFSA,
Christmas decorations are up and I am beginning to feel my anxiety rise about how we are going to manage the growing pressure each year to compensate for the big splash of Christmas with expensive and showy gifts, so that our kids don’t feel left out. I remember Chanukah being about the latkes and playing dreidel. Is there some way to get back to the basics?
Sincerely,
Worried

Dear Worried,
Although Chanukah is technically a minor holiday on the Jewish calendar, in North America it has gained great prominence, due to its proximity to Christmas. This is not as true in countries like South Africa or Mexico, where Christmas is less commercialized.

In Canada, we are really up against commercialism, more than the true essence of another religious tradition. The trick is to make Chanukah a meaningful experience beyond the presents or gelt (money).

This is not that hard to do, because Chanukah is a particularly fun Jewish holiday. The focus is on the home and involves some combination of food (latkes and sufganiyot), gatherings of friends and family, music, decorating the house, the nature of the miracle, playing dreidel and presents.

As parents, you will have to set the priorities of how you would like the holiday to be commemorated. This is one of your most important jobs as parents and it must not be abdicated to children, their peers or the commercials that they are watching. In order for a holiday to have meaning, you will have to determine what is most meaningful to you and what values and traditions you most want to impart to your children. In order to do that, you may need to learn more about the history of the holiday, or find out about other customs that you might like to incorporate. Work with your partner and extended family and friends to bring these customs into practise.

When kids ask why you are not celebrating Christmas, it is important to explain that different groups have different customs. This is much easier to do if your children feel that their own customs have meaning for them.

It is also helpful to take the time to find out which aspects of the Christmas holiday are most attractive to them. Maybe they are excited about decorating. If so, then make decorating a bigger part of all your Jewish holiday celebrations. For instance, build a sukkah, or a Bedouin tent for Pesach. If it is the food or baking, then use that as a jumping off point for your own celebrations. If it is the parties, see if you can have your own parties or join in a friend’s celebration. Since Chanukah is just one of many great Jewish holidays, it will shrink back into proportion if all the other Jewish holidays are also celebrated or observed with meaning and excitement.

It can be helpful to empathize with your kids about feeling left out, and at the same time expose them to the practices of other ethnic groups. Participate with them in the many wonderful types of religious and cultural celebrations that occur all over Canada, such as Chinese New Year celebrations, Diwali, Greek Days, etc. They will begin to understand that they are part of a community made up of many different kinds of people, which will help them feel less marginalized. Invite your non-Jewish friends to celebrate your holidays with you, so that your kids feel like they also have something to offer. Celebrate your friends’ holidays with them. You may find that it is much easier to honor other people’s celebrations if you are secure in our own traditions.

Even with all this, the intense focus on presents may still persist. If you are serious about your goal to reduce the focus on giving presents (which, interestingly, is what many families who celebrate Christmas are also trying to do), you may just have to bite the bullet and reduce the number or cost of the presents. Children will come to accept your family’s way of celebrating, even if there is initial resistance. As children develop, these can turn into wonderful opportunities to have discussions about values. Some stress can be avoided by staying away from malls and reducing exposure to commercials at this time of year; however, if you are ambivalent about your decision, it will be harder for you to withstand their dissatisfaction.

Take the time to figure out what you really want out of each of the holidays. You don’t have to get it right by this December. These things can be fine-tuned year after year, ultimately leading to wonderful, meaning-filled traditions for your children to pass on to their children.