Checking in with priorities

MIRA SUCHAROV

There's a common line in eulogies that has been troubling me. How often have you heard a mourner discussing the merits of the deceased by saying, "His family always came first" (for either gender, for that matter)? I realize that the main responsibility of grieving friends and family is to try to cope with the loss of their loved one. I also realize that this usually entails highlighting their positive qualities and downplaying – or sometimes finding humor in – their weaknesses. Far be it from me to question the truthfulness of these claims in such emotion-laden settings.

But the phrase itself – whether or not it is true in particular cases – sends a troubling message to the rest of us. Enough pressure exists in our society that we don't need to think of our various life commitments as existing in a zero-sum relationship. That is, the gain of one priority is the loss of another. The more energy devoted to work, the less to family. The more attention given to one's physical welfare, the less to family and so on.

I recently left my crying child with our caregiver while I retreated to my room to help a friend cope with a life crisis over the phone. Does this mean that I fundamentally place my friends above my family? As I draft this column, my son is at preschool and my daughter is home on a school holiday with her caregiver. Is my working today a sign of my family coming second? (What's more, I'm actually typing this in a medical lab while I wait to have my cholesterol checked. Is this a sign that I value my health more than my family?)

The social scientist in me asks how we can possibly measure this anyway. Again, at our funerals it doesn't really matter whether or not it's true. This discussion recalls the old bumper-sticker saying: "Whoever has the most toys when he dies wins." But perpetuating this message leaves the rest of us worse off, since we end up more likely to doubt our own choices. Unless we never leave our children's side – something that many would deem problematic for their development anyway – how will we ever really know if we "put our family first"?

This particular point speaks, of course, to the larger issue of work-life balance. This issue is never far from the minds of most parents I know. Should we lessen our career pace? Stay at home altogether? Work long hours at a high-income career so our kids have the maximum material opportunities? Work part-time so we're home more? How to fit in personal time – not to mention time for one's partner?

As my family doctor describes it, to stay mentally and physically healthy, one must view each priority segment as a distinct circle that must coexist with the others. If you say, "I will exercise only once all my work is done," your fitness will suffer – since many of us feel that our work is never done. How many such life "circles" each of us juggles differs. Some view investing in one's marriage as part of family time, while others think it deserves its own circle. But thinking of all these priorities as competing demands – rather than complementary ones – sets us up for failure.

Perhaps the phrase "work-life balance" is not that helpful either. Aside from implying that there are only two segments of life, work and everything else, it implies that the two can be perfectly balanced – like the proverbial Libra scale. When we're talking about non-material goods like relationships, career satisfaction and family, does balance mean equivalence?

Beyond critiquing the problematic messages imparted by certain ubiquitous phrases, how can we address these important questions? I suggest that we revisit another trendy phrase, but one that's arguably more helpful and less judgmental: that new-age term "checking in." We should regularly be "checking in" – with our kids, our spouses, our colleagues and ourselves. How are our actions affecting others? How can we be more in tune? Are we healthy?

Are we achieving professional satisfaction? How can we feel more spiritual – if that is indeed a priority? How can we simply feel less stretched among competing demands?

Operating inductively – seeing what feels right and what doesn't, and adjusting our routines when necessary – sets us up for success. Hopefully, upon our passing, the authority of any of those "circles" – our closest friends, our colleagues, our children and our spouses – will privately feel that we put them first. But by that time, it won't really matter. So let's aim for serenity and satisfaction in harmonizing our multiple pressures, rather than setting them up for a fight that shouldn't be won.

Mira Sucharov is an associate professor of political science at Carleton University.

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