Clamping down on TV

YECHIEL KREPLACH

It's time for an all-new season of the Jemmy award-winning series, America's Next Top Mohel. Can the contestants top last season, when winner Gadol Snipper whittled the competition down with an intricate sculpture made from polished foreskins? Can anyone even match the derring-do exhibited by runner-up Chaim A. Cutter when he performed a bris while suspended from a bungee cord?

Here's how it works: 12 men, all hoping to become the Supreme Circumciser and take home the title of America's Next Top Mohel, have gathered in Brooklyn for the final showdown. The prize? The chance to circumcise the next-born son of legendary rebbe Stan Back and a photo spread in Trim magazine.

It's set to be a close race between some of this season's toughest competitors. Last year, we saw a number of dangerous catfights, especially after one mohel got into the ritual wine intended for the baby. And this new season is only going to be more cut throat. New challenges include the blindfolded bris, the relay race and "spot the girl baby."

Mohels will be judged by a crack panel including Jon Stewart, Barbra Streisand and Leonard Cohen. Every week, someone will be eliminated.

Cohen will retreat to a mountaintop after the show and write an epic poem about the winner. The loser will become the butt of all Stewart's jokes for the next year.

Contestants are judged on steadiness of hand, aesthetics and their ability to make the mothers laugh. Extra points for catching fainting members of the audience with the hand not wielding the scalpel.

Finally, mohels are asked to display their signature walks. Some decide to limp towards the baby. Others crawl on the floor in the hopes that it will make them appear more empathetic.

No actual infants were harmed in the making of this program and all of our mohels are carefully supervised. Viewers are warned not to try any of these activities at home. Those under the age of eight days are also advised there may be some graphic images depicted.

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