|
|
March 4, 2005
Be a good grandparent
It's all about acceptance, says local family therapist.
MONIKA ULLMANN
Though children don't come with a user's guide, there's no shortage
of experts willing to help parents. Judging from the popularity
of the TV show Supernanny, in which a child-care expert helps
sort out behavioral problems, parents need advice more than ever.
But what about grandparents? There is no Supernanny equivalent for
them, though increased longevity and better health means that there
are a lot more of them.
Just like parenting, grandparenting is a role that doesn't always
come naturally. Modern grandparents don't always know what it means
to be a 'good grandparent,' and they may even be ambivalent about
it; equating the role with 'getting old,' says Vancouver family
therapist David Freeman, who is a youthful grandfather of three
himself.
"There is a lot of confusion around being a grandparent today,"
he says.
In fact, he had so many requests from his patients to explain the
role that he has decided to give a free one-hour lecture on the
subject at the Jewish Community Centre of Greater Vancouver (JCC).
"It's a complex role, and people aren't prepared for the intensity
of emotions it can trigger," Freeman said. And not everybody
is cut out for it. Modern life works against the emotional bonding
process, he said, noting that there are 'visiting' and 'bonding'
grandparents. If you want to be the bonding kind, simply spending
time with the child is paramount.
"The most important thing you can give your grandchild is the
gift of time; that's what makes the child feel important. It's not
about giving stuff; what you will be remembered for is the time
you spent, not the things you gave," he said.
He should know. Freeman is well-known as a therapist who encourages
cross-generation involvement. The focus of his therapy is to encourage
family elders to become family guides and mentors, and he has written
two books, Multi-Generational Family Therapy and Family
Therapy With Couples: A Family of Origin Approach, which emphasize
the importance of working with family elders.
According to him, becoming a successful grandparent is based on
a willingness to become an "elder" first.
Elders are people who have reflected upon and accepted their life,
gained some insight and, without ego investment, are willing and
able to pass on what they have learned to younger people. "If
you feel bitter or that life has cheated you, then you're not an
elder," he said. Freeman believes that the role of the wise
elder is truly important but not valued enough in our culture.
"It's really just common sense, but our culture has lost that.
And without the mature generation guiding the young ones, there
is a loss of continuity," he pointed out. "A healthy society
has the old guiding the young. It's essential for grounding children,
giving them a sense of trust and protecting them from falling victim
to fads."
That is just one of the reasons why grandparents can play a crucial
role in a child's life. Through storytelling and simply being around
them and observing a different way of being in the world, children
absorb important life lessons, Freeman said.
"Grandparenting is a different role from parenting; it's about
giving the child an experience of being totally accepted –
something they can do better than the parents, whose role involves
discipline."
It may involve doing things that they would never have done as parents,
said Freeman. Above all, it's about giving the child a sense of
absolute safety and acceptance.
Freeman's lecture, Three Generations – The Role of Grandparents,
takes place Friday, March 11, in the JCC Wosk Auditorium. The cost
of entry is $5.
Monika Ullmann is a freelance writer and a grandmother.
She can be reached at proword@
shaw.ca.
^TOP
|
|
