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June 4, 2010
Get time to be on your side
Attaining a balanced life starts with asking why you are so busy.
BAILA LAZARUS
How often do you say these words: “I just don’t have enough time!” We have so many things on the go, we rarely have time to catch our breath, let alone attain what many of us yearn for: a balanced life.
But before I get into some ideas on how to attain that elusive life of balance, let’s take a look at our notions of what “balance” is. So often people take for granted the idea that a balanced life has to have certain elements in it. For example, in the course of a day: X number of hours devoted to work, X number of hours for relaxing, X number of hours for eating, X number of hours to spend with family. Over the course of a week, that concept takes on other elements: running errands, perhaps participating in sports, going out for entertainment, participating in pastimes, perhaps taking courses. And, when one looks at a whole year, a “balanced” life could include travel outside the country, trips planned with families, devoting oneself to volunteer pursuits, going to synagogue or participating in fundraising efforts.
We have to stop and question our own assumptions. Ask yourself how many of these pursuits you feel should be part of a balanced life. Could you be happy and satisfied with your life if some of these elements were not included? For example, suppose you met someone who spent his day working and his evenings reading and every once in awhile contributed to a community project. He was relaxed, happy, even serene. Even without shopping on Granville Island, skiing in Rockies, running the Sun Run, eating at the trendiest restaurant and having wife, house and 2.4 children, would he not have a balanced life?
So, maybe, when we think we don’t have a balanced life, we’re comparing it to other people and, subconsciously, sticking in those little “shoulds.”
When I start with new clients who come to me for life coaching, I ask them to take a look at different areas of their lives, such as family, career, health, money, etc., and rate their satisfaction on a scale of one to 10. This is not in comparison to others, but only their own satisfaction. To me, this is where life balance comes in.
Someone might do no traveling further than an occasional drive outside the city and be completely satisfied with that, thus giving themselves a 10 out of 10; another person might travel to foreign countries for one month every year but rate satisfaction at five because they’d really prefer to travel for two months.
The “busy” trap
Another trap people fall into when examining their life is focusing on how busy they are, thinking there’s something wrong with that and that it implies their life is out of balance. Why? Can’t you have a busy life and be balanced as well? Again, it all amounts to how satisfied you are with each area of your life.
But what if you find yourself super-busy and you don’t feel satisfied in certain areas – maybe not enough time to read or spend with family or even go for a daily walk? Here’s where you have to ask yourself why you are so busy. Is it because you can’t say “no”?
Whether at work or home, many people simply can’t say “no” to others, taking on extra tasks in an already busy schedule. Often, they feel obligated to help and feel guilty if they don’t. But many people don’t realize they can’t say no to themselves, either. They’re so consumed with trying everything life has to offer, they actually take on what becomes a physical impossibility to complete. Then they become frustrated, not being able to have the balance they crave.
Often, when I think about balance, what comes to mind are those Survivor challenges where the participants have to hold out their arms and balance something in their hands, or hold onto a fulcrum and stack plates on the other side. In the beginning, it’s simple but, as the stack grows higher, it becomes more and more difficult to hold and eventually, it becomes impossible to keep it from falling. For some reason, many of us believe we can continually carry those stacks and never drop a thing.
If you’re wondering how you can get balance into your life, here are a few steps to follow:
1. Ask yourself why you’re saying yes to things. Do you have difficulty saying “no”? Perhaps there’s an area of boundaries that needs to be examined. Maybe it’s time to tell a co-worker, a friend or yourself that you simply can’t take on any more.
2. Make a list of all those items on your plate and rank them according to how they align with your values. (Remember, even doing taxes can align with a value – the value of liberty by not being thrown in jail.) Take a look at what falls to the bottom of the list and take it out of your schedule for an entire month. (If you only participate in it a couple of times per month, take it out for two months.) See if you really miss it.
3. When considering taking on another activity or task, ask yourself if the pleasure you gain from it is going to outweigh that feeling of being overtaxed in your life. If the answer is “no,” then say “no.”
Remember, having a full life is not about cramming everything you can into your day-to-day activities just because it’s there – it’s about making conscious choices that align with your values and make you happy.
Baila Lazarus is a life coach. E-mail her at [email protected] for a free half-hour sample session.
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