Da boyz are raisin' da faith

BAILA LAZARUS

Leave it to the one Jewish member of a Christian boy band to teach the moral lesson in a play called Altar Boyz. And that makes this performance not only highly entertaining, but a perfect venue for Jews to feel a sense of naches (pride).

I have to admit, I felt a sense of worry when the play started and a four-piece rock band took the stage. I'm warming up to musicals, these days, but the band's set-up was smack in the middle of the stage. They weren't going anywhere.

Then, from bad to worse, the five members of the fictional Altar Boyz boy band came out and, after posing like a quintet of prima donnas, started crooning a sickly sweet, soft boy-band-style melody. Was this for real?

Thankfully, not. In a matter of minutes, the music pumped up, the hands started clapping and the boys in the band started prancing around the stage, launching into the Altar Boyz version of boy-band pop.

"God's in the house," is their mantra and the context for the show, which is actually a spoof of everything silly about teen pop singing idols – from the music and choreography to the posing and in-fighting to the visit by one of the band members to a rehab centre for "exhaustion" (glug, glug).

The result varies between a well-put-together troupe of singers and dancers and a cheesy, ridiculous bunch of guys trying to bust a move. All of it will have you bopping in your seat.

But, you're asking, how is it that a nice Jewish boy named Abraham (Geoff Stevens) finds himself sharing a stage with Matthew (Jeremy Crittenden), Luke (Jak Barradell), Mark (David Hurwitz) and Juan (Vincent Tong), presenting what is supposed to be the final performance on their Raise the Praise tour?

Well, each of the characters tells the story of Genesis in a different way, but Abraham met the boys when he wandered curiously into a church, years earlier, having never been inside one. After one-lining perhaps the best Jewish-Jesus joke ever (you'll have to see the play to hear it, as it loses its impact on the page), he decides to try on an altar boy's robe. He ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time, as a voice bellows from the heavens just at that moment telling him and the other four that they now have to stick together and "go forth" as a boy band.

"Thou shalt anoint your heads with hair product and gird your loins with pleather," the voice booms. "Your image shall beget a following."

Well, there's a little more to their history than that, but, to be honest, it's the slowest part of the play.

The real fun comes in the hilarious musical numbers and breakdancing, both of which are wonderful. All the "boyz" can sing, and a few of them (no, not the Jewish boy, alas) have some amazing moves.

So what is the goal of this boy band? What keeps them hip and happy as they spread the word on the Raising the Praise tour? What's the meaning behind the lyrics, "Jesus called me on my cellphone" and "Girl, you make me want to wait"?

Ultimately, the boys do actually have an aim, and that is to lift the spirits and cleanse the souls of members in the audience. Somewhat like a reality game show, near the beginning of the performance they unveil the DX12 (dramatic music, please) – a huge calculator that counts the number of souls in the building that are "heavy with sin." The souls need to be uplifted through happy singing, storytelling and shameless promotion of Sony (which becomes relevant at the end).

Here is where the play really excels. It's basically like watching a professional band, with a touch of Weird Al thrown in. The singing is excellent and the jokes just don't stop.

In one hilarious number, Matthew pulls a woman from the audience on stage and sings about the time he met a girl at a sleep-away Bible camp. "Something about you ... makes me want to wait," Matthew croons to roars of laughter from the audience.

After every couple of songs, the DX12 recalculates the number of people with burdened hearts, and the boys have to get the number from more than 300 down to zero. As their songs and stories hit or miss the mark, the number yoyos, until it gets down to a low of four and seems to get stuck there – for awhile.

Altar Boyz is directed by Bill Millerd, with music and lyrics by Gary Adler and Michael Patrick Walker. Debuting in New York in 2004, it runs at the Arts Club Granville Island Stage until Aug. 1. Call 604-687-1644 for tickets or visit www.artsclub.com for more information.

Baila Lazarus is a freelance writer, painter and photographer. Her work can be seen at www.orchiddesigns.net.

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