Does no groom mean no kids?

NECHEMIA MEYERS

Some Orthodox girls have a husband and six children by the time they are 30. But there is also a growing number who have neither by that age; indeed, there are some who will never wed.

This is a grave problem for them where sex is concerned. If they follow the rules of their community, which bar pre-marital sex, they will remain virgins until the day they die. This is unacceptable to many unmarried Orthodox women, who have broken the rules but, until now, have not talked about their transgressions. Now they are talking, in private discussions in synagogues and on the web. Tzurit Doron, writing on the web, said that young women who go to religious girls' high schools have understood that if they reach a certain age and have not yet found a groom, they are meant to give up a whole part of their lives. This is a humiliating, shocking, paralyzing and above all an explicitly anti-Jewish thought.

Those religious girls who have not given up in their search for a hatan (groom) need no longer depend on the traditional matchmaker to find them one. That role is played, in part, by the religious pub. There are special pubs and related websites for Orthodox singles. One of those organizing such a pub is Uriel Neuberger, who declares that he is fulfilling a great need, as the young Orthodox want to meet members of the opposite sex in a framework where they will not feel like outsiders.

Neuberger has 5,000 singles between the ages of 21 and 35 on his mailing list. At pub parties, the atmosphere is quite different from that in nearby discothèques. The girls are dressed in longish skirts and wear blouses that avoid any hint of decolletage. The contrast where drinks are concerned is even more extreme. Whereas patrons of the discothèques aren't satisfied until they have drunk enough Scotch, gin, brandy, vodka and beer to be giddy, in the religious pubs, the men and women are likely to imbibe only Coca Cola or mineral water. If they really go wild, they may order a beer, which two of them will share.

Yet, despite the fact that marriages sometimes result from acquaintances that began in the pub, there still remain girls who are groomless when their biological clock begins running out. What remains for them, if they are desperate or determined enough, is artificial insemination. Some avail themselves of this possibility and a few are even willing to talk about it. On television, just the other night, a lady in her mid-30s who lives in a religious moshav in the Valley of Jezre'el appeared on the screen with her three children and her mother at her side. She was obviously very happy and so was her mother. "I was taken aback at first," the older lady said, "but now I am terribly pleased with my grandchildren and proudly take them to our synagogue."

Nechemia Meyers is a freelance writer living in Rehovot, Israel.

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